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Keane decides Man Utd not suffering enough

Oh dear, just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse for Manchester United.

Beaten soundly about the brow by Middlesbrough, world’s most expensive defender Rio Ferdinand doing his best to show Juan Sebastian Veron who was the bigger waste of money, while Alex Ferguson looks intent on ending his amazing era by leaving the club in the same state as when he joined.

And now soon-to-be-no-more captain Roy Keane has been censored by MUTV following what can we can safely assume was a profanity-laden tirade, possibly involving attacks on those who enjoy salty snacks. The comments came after United’s 4-1 thumping by Boro and instead of showing the half-hour program featuring the Irishman, the club’s executives were forced to show youth academy action instead (which quite possibly only served to anger him further).

Who would’ve thought that the Glazers might be the ones regretting their takeover?

SLAKR: Pull the other one, Jose

Slakr has just one more point to add on best friend, and Chelsea manager, Jose Mourinho’s latest attack on Arsene Wenger:

Mourinho on Arsene and Arsenal: “It bothers me because the guy is speaking all the time. We never speak about them.”

“You can do it when you are top and you have a big morale. When you are on game number 11 and you still can’t win away from home, and when you are without Thierry Henry and he can’t win a game, he should be worried about them. ”

Never speak about them, eh? Three sentences. Thats how long it takes for the Special One to impart his special version of the reality/the english language.

Time to start redefining ‘Special’?

Does Slakr know his arse from his elbow? Let us know in the comments section or send an official rebuttal to submissions@caughtoffside.com and we’ll put it up on the page!

England’s #1 spills the beans

Rarely do we see interviews as lengthy, or as in depth, as the one Tottenham keeper and England’s #1 Paul Robinson recently gave to Spurs site From The Lane. From a fan’s perspective, a player interview really can’t get much better as the usual cliches are dropped in favor of questions that really are unique to the London club. Robinson is also refreshingly honest about everything from his contract details and Spurs fans booing their own players, to whether he could have Roy Keane in a boxing match (hint: no).

Highlights include:

Do you know what Martin Jol’s brothers names are ?
………….Robert ?………oh no, that’s his nephew isn’t it……..COCK AND DICK ! - He told us didn’t he, that was one of his raving lunatic team talks, yeah, we thought he was taking the piss, yeah, his brothers are Cock and Dick.

Who is the funniest Spurs player, apart from Naybet with his clothes ?
Oh, Naybet’s gears the worst ! You obviously noticed that. He’s got these Cowboy boots in the dressing room, I just put them up actually, on the top so everyone could see them - They are disgusting. I can’t tell you - He’s got the worst gear ever, the worst clothes.

Read the full interview

Gary Neville can’t take a joke

Here’s a bit of fun for fans of Gary Neville, proud owner of a the Premiership’s sexiest beard.

Apparently some schoolboys got a hold of the Manchester United fullback’s mobile number, and proceeded to use it for some good ol fashioned teenage hijinks. The elder Neville didn’t see the funny side and, when he managed to get one of the lads on the phone, channeled his good friend Alex Ferguson to give the young lad a right bollocking.

Unfortunately for Gary, the whole thing was recorded - so we all get to hear him act hard to a teenager.

Listen to Gary argue with a child

Assuming this is real, we couldn’t honestly say we would react much different if some annoying kids kept calling our mobile. But come on, it’s Gary Neville.

Mourinho: Wenger’s a bit of a perv

As much as we want to stop posting so much content about a certain London club, it’s tough when Jose Mourinho just can’t bring himself to stop talking about anything that happens to cross his mind. This time he’s gone after Arsene Wenger, no stranger to the odd whinge or wind-up himself, who made the grave error of breathing Chelsea’s name earlier in the week. Jose’s response?

“I think he is one of these people who is a voyeur,” Mourinho said. “He likes to watch other people. There are some guys who, when they are at home, they have a big telescope to see what happens in other families. He speaks and speaks and speaks about Chelsea.”

“I might be worried if my team made a defensive mistake. I shouldn’t be worried about what Arsenal did at Tottenham. They are always speaking about the other families. These are our secrets.”

Not really sure what secrets he’s on about, but surely Arsene is being asked about Chelsea by the press since the Blues are, you know, their Premiership title rivals? But what do we know…

Keane Keen (K)On Kop…Kinda

Supposedly Robbie Keane would ‘love’ to join Liverpool who, wait for it, he supported as a boy! As everyone knows, supporting a club as a 5 year old is the most concrete evidence of an imminent transfer and means much more than wages, European football, or proximity to beaches. The rumors come after ex-Red Alan Kennedy was quoted saying Keano would be up for a move to Merseyside.

With Patrick Vieira finally buggering off to foreign shores, Keano can finally reclaim his place as the most linked player in the Premiership. The number of teams the 25 year-old Irishman is on the verge of joining at any given time is only outnumbered by the number of clubs he actually has joined (4 clubs in 4 years before arriving at Spurs in 2002). As a fan favorite, most supporters are probably in the ‘lets-keep-him-if-he’s-happy’ camp, but after finding himself playing the role of super-sub for Jermaine Defoe in the forseeable future - it probably only is a matter of months rather than years before ol Keano moves on again.

Premiership Weekend Round-Up

Middlesbrough absolutely sh*t on Manchester United, Spurs are denied a famous win over Arsenal thanks to Robert Pires’ 8th goal in 10 london derbies, Chelsea recover from their ‘blip’ to roll over WBA, Liverpool get back on track against a tough West Ham side while Wigan keep making believers of us all.

All that and more from the weekend’s action.

Soccernet weekend round-up

Puma to make Spurs fans very self-consious

Puma are supposedly on the verge of agreeing a four-year, club-record 20 million deal with Tottenham to replace Kappa as their kit provider.

Given that Spurs fans already complain that the snug Kappa shirts aren’t the most flattering on their pie-and-alcohol ravaged bodies - they can’t be too pleased at the idea of wearing a one piece bodysuit to matches.

Jewell does a merry jig

Wigan’s simply unbelievable form as of late (their win over Fulham handing them 22 from a possible 24 points) has left Paul Jewell milking it for all it’s worth, and who could blame him.

Much was made of Wigan barging their way into the Premiership as a sort of mini-Chelsea, only a tad less glamorous, funded by the personal fortune of JJB Sports franchise owner Dave Whelan. A supposed 25million transfer budget at the start of the season left many wondering whether Ambramovich sparked a diasterous example of rich men using football clubs as their personal toys.

However, for once money wasn’t everything and Wigan struggled mightily to sign any established players. In fact, the audacity of some of their bids left many laughing and the club was quickly returned to their place amongst the relegation candidates.

But their stunning start to the season sans-spending has given hope for football after Chelsea, and Jewell is clearly loving it,

“I did stick two fingers up at players who didn’t want to come here,” he said.

“I have told agents, ‘Listen, if you’re boy doesn’t want to come, fine. Don’t waste my time - I won’t waste yours’.

“I have probably lost one or two players by upsetting them, but you have to make a stand.”

Let’s just hope a little unfancied success doesn’t get to his head.

CaughtOffside Fantasy Football picks 10-28-05

Every week we let you know our Yahoo Fantasy Football picks, our team has been highly sucessful so hopefully you’ll find a few gems and good bits of advice here to help you get one over on your mates.

The Caughtoffside.com team is back in business after recovering from a bad week to record another triple digit point haul and move up 139 places to 203rd. Still sounds terrible to us, but that’s still the top 1% out of tens of thousands of participants. Our pick of Emre proved a winner as he recorded nearly 30 points on his own - only about 5% of all players selected the Turkish midfielder. Danny Murphy also proved again he’s worth the points with two assists.

But on to this week, and this is probably one of our strongest teams on paper - which means they’ll probably all get sent off after scoring a couple of own goals for good measure.

But on to the picks…

Read more

Tenner: Pity the plastic rival

Better late than never, our own Chelsea man Tenner has responded to Slakr’s seemingly endless assault on his beloved Blues:

As a Liverpool fan, Slakr can be forgiven for his somewhat bitter view on football as of late. But his anger leads me to a concept I’ve recently discovered - the ‘plastic rival’ (see: plastic fans).

The idea originates from a superb article by Spike Online’s Duleep Allirajah - a self-proclaimed Chelsea hater, mind you - but one who expresses disapparoval at others who hate us for all the wrong reasons. He rightfully points out that rival fans’ views on Chelsea have swung wildly since Abramovich took over two seasons ago. Under Ranieri, we were seen as a novelty item - buying the world but somehow struggling to put it altogether into consistent performances, and ending the season without a trophy. The consensus was that it was only a matter of time before Abramovich became tired of his new toy and the club went the way of Leeds. However, under Mourinho we’ve gone from strength to strength and our success, and the nature of it, has seen us quickly replace Manchester United as the team everyone loves to hate.

It is these new Chelsea-haters that I have no patience for. Wrought with envy, they have blinkered views on the Abramovich era and cling for dear life to claims of ‘history’ to rationalize their preference for their own club, screaming “I’d never want us to buy success like that” - yeah right.

If our success sees a rise in plastic fans, then these ‘plastic rivals’ are surely just as bad. Bitter, jealous, and thoroughly limited in their reasons. Just like the plastic fan has no right in supporting a club, the plastic rival hasn’t a foot to stand on in criticizing it.

Lucas Neill is better than Cafu

Sky Sports have lost all credibility with their latest bit of quality ‘reporting’. In a wonderful bit of fiction writing they are claiming AC Milan are after Blackburn nutter Lucas Neil to replace Brazilian defender and best-right-back-ever Cafu. Of course, the actual quotes used as the basis of the article don’t even mention Milan or any of the other clubs apparently interested in the defender’s services - but Sky does end with:

“Milan are believed to be checking on prospective replacements for Brazilian veteran Cafu and Neill is believed to be one of those now under consideration.”

We imagine the ‘consideration’ went something like this:

Milan big-wig #1: How about Lucas Neill?
Milan big-wig #2: F**k off! (proceeds to beat Milan big-wig #1 with his own shoes)

SLAKR: Chelsea Fans: This is your elbow; That is your arse; That is your head sticking out of it

Slakr carefully considers some recent comments from Chelsea fans, and proceeds to lob a volley of abuse their way. Let’s see how this one turns out:

So I must admit, I’ve always had a hard time communicating with Man United fans. Its an ingrained bias thing. As a result, I’ve also had trouble communicating with Spurs fans, who for some reason seem to hate Arsenal more than United. I mean seriously — Paul Scholes, the Neville Brothers and Roy Keane? But I don’t think I’ve ever had such an unreasonable response to an impeccably balanced article as I’ve received over the last couple of days from Chelsea fans. So lets go through my mailbag, and explain to these kind, but simple folk how to tell their arse from their elbow.

Read more

Big Sam: I’m awesome!

Big Sam has successfully grasped another chance to big himself up, this time informing us that teams fear nothing more than a ominous trip to the Reebok to face his mighty Bolton,

“There is a fear factor for everybody else when they come here because we’ve only lost one game at home and that was against Everton back in August,” said Allardyce.

Back in August? You mean a whole four home Premiership matches ago? A feat matched by ten other clubs?

Congratulations to the new ‘Invincibles‘.

Robot Subbuteo??

Almost, anyway. But as you can see from the outrageous image above, UK site Firebox is selling what clearly is the greatest thing ever invented (although we’re not quite sure what that prat in the yellow is celebrating).

The whimsically named ‘Mr. Soccer Robot Football’ will allow up to fourteen user-controlled robots to wheel their way around bumping the ball in random directions before eventually it ends up in the goal while someone (presumably that prat in the yellow again) acts like it was done on purpose.

Only two actual soccer bots come with the game, in Brazil and England ‘kit’, and you can customize them with stickers and apparently even their little boots (which affects how they move, not sure if you can pick up a pair of robot preds though).

Rumor has it Chelsea have already paid 2.4 million to have first-option on one of the more in-form bots, just in case.

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