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Slakr’s Weekend Review: Brum Lose (Shocker)! Chelski Cheat (Shocker!) Gerrard Shows Passion (Shocker!)

Slakr moans, groans and celebrates a pretty dire weekend of football. Two weeks. I’ve got to keep telling myself that its been just two weeks. I often get critisized for only seeing things through Liverpudlian eyes, coated in a sheen of red. Well two weeks ago was the greatest advertisement for Premier League football I’ve seen in ages, and thats despite Liverpool losing to a heartwrentching goal. This week? Not so great, at least in the marquee games. The Champions-Elect were a disgrace (again). The Merseyside derby resembled a battleground at times. And United-Brum is being hailed as a success for Brum. With a 3-0 loss in a game they never had a chance of taking a point from. Disgraceful.
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Afternoon Chat

“Afternoon Chat” finds the CaughtOffside contributors in more…relaxed…discussion of the important topics of the day where grammar, spelling and any time to formulate an intelligent opinion is lost.

Today we find Boggs and Slakr mulling over the recent handbags between Tottenham and Liverpool over who doesn’t want Djibril Cisse the most.

Friday, 3/24

Slakr: Wow. Benitez went all Wenger on your ass.
Boggs: Yes he did
Boggs: such a cunt
Boggs: seems out of character considering we werent a part of any cisse rumors
Boggs: so doesnt seem possible that he’s retaliating for perceived tapping up
Slakr: Yeah you were. Apparently you made an approach at 3:00pm on Jan 31st.
Slakr: Which no-one seems to be denying.
Boggs: that’s within the window though
Boggs: and its a formal approach, for a loan I’m assuming
Boggs: benitez seems to be responding to Cisse’s agent
Boggs: who just said we were after him
Boggs: i.e. tapping up
Slakr: So then what do you mean you weren’t part of any rumours?
Boggs: cisse’s agent is just trying to use our loan approach in jan to drum up interest for him now
Boggs: its not like we actually contacted them last week
Boggs: which is why the agent implied
Boggs: and what benitez seems to be angry about
Slakr: well. maybe you did, maybe you didn’t.
Slakr: Either way, I think Benitez is out of line. But I don’t really care enough.
Boggs: yeah i dont really care because it’ll backfire
Boggs: if he does want defoe all he’s done is push up the asking price
Boggs: if we’ll even sell to pool now
Slakr: I don’t think Benitez does to be honest.
Slakr: I don’t know why mgrs don’t rate Defoe. I certainly do.
Slakr: But haven’t seen him enough to judge if his workrate is good enough. Since I’ve only seen highlights.
Slakr: Looking at why he likes Crouch and hates Cisse, its all about workrate and team play.
Boggs: yeah
Boggs: well defoe works hard
Boggs: there just isnt always the most intelligence in his work
Slakr: Ah. A better Baros then?
Boggs: and he may be one of the worst ever players at breaking the offside trap
Boggs: baros but who can finish
Boggs: and shoot and stuff, good end product
Boggs: bad everything else
Slakr: Yeah, I think we’ll splash on Mickey.
Slakr: But its a World Cup year, which makes things tough.
Slakr: If he’s not fit by end of the season, do we gamble before the cup or risk his value going up or down significantly during the cup.
Slakr: “Robbie Keane told me he had to play because he wanted to go to Germany. A month later, I realised Ireland weren’t even going to the World Cup,” said Jol.
Boggs: such a good quote
Boggs: although i cant see that robbie thought he’d be dropped

Have your a chat of your own? Send it in.

With great power comes great responsibility

Some random bloke on BBC’s 606 message board named “Messi better than cesc” actually predicted Liverpool’s 7-0 shaming of Birmingham midweek, even getting a number of the finer details correct:

- There would be a goal in the first minute.
- Three goals in the first half.
- Four goals in the second half.
- The sixth would be an own goal.
- Djibril Cisse would score very late on.

As if that wasn’t bizarro-world worthy enough, he also got within two minutes of the time of the own goal.

The BBC has a full rundown of prediction vs reality.

Middlesbrough - Champions of Europe???

For some seasons now, much has been made of the demise of the UEFA cup. There was a time where the competition held a different-but-equal standing with the European Cup as top clubs and players alike fought to mark their place in history. Unfortunately the expansion and general dilution of the Champions League has left the UEFA cup, well, rather crap and pretty much ignored.

Nevertheless, Middlesbrough are happily marching onwards after defeating a Totti-less Roma on away goals to face ex-worst-Tottenham-manager-ever Christian Gross and Swiss side FC Basle. A club with relegation still a possibility 3/4 into the season…is in the quarter finals of the UEFA cup. Excellent.

But good luck to them. It seems their slow, incredibly boring brand of football is - as always - better suited to Europe than it is the Premiership. We’d like to see them win it all, if only to drive point home about how insignificant the competition has become.

Eidur a Spur?

Brilliant headline.

Anyway, according to some bloke on a Chelsea message board who lifted a thread from a Tottenham message board about a translated article in Icelandic newspaper Dagbladid (phew) - Eidur Gudjohnsen could well be on his way to Spurs this summer.

Eidur is a quality player but has already found himself converted into a midfielder this season while Drogba and Crespo take turns prancing about in the box, with the arrival of Michael Ballack to shore up the attacking midfield options and almost certainly a new big-money striker - the former Bolton man could easily find himself with limited opportunities.

Gudjohnsen reportedly wants to stay in London as his family have already settled in and after Arsenal signed Kanu II to complete their set of strikers it seems like Spurs are the only realistic destination should Mourinho decide to sell. Martin Jol’s interest was apparently made clear in January but the club were promptly told to come back in the summer as Chelsea did not want to disrupt their squad midseason.

Eidur is also one of almost 9 million players thought to be a “Spurs fan as a boy” and former Tottenham defender Gudni Bergsson seems to think the London club have already begun tapping up his old man, “I’ve spoked to Eidurs dad and he has spoken to Jol quite a few times this season and it seems a deal could be on the cards.”

On the pitch it seems like it would be a perfect fit Tottenham’s play has often lacked an effective link between a deep-lying, wingerless midfield and their strikers. Gudjohnsen has one of the best footballing brains in the Premiership and getting matches would not be an issue as Gudjohnsen could either slot in as part of Spurs four-man striker rotation or at the tip of the diamond midfield.

Boggs: What do you get for the club that has everything?

Still genuinely concerned for the safety and health of Didier Drogba following some apparently career-threatening challenges on Tuesday, Boggs wants to know what is wrong with the Premiership’s favourite club.

With Chelsea successfully outclassed all over the pitch in the Champions League by a club that has spent less than a tenth on transfers over the past couple seasons, something is amiss in the world of the ‘Special One’. The problem surely can not be the Great Jose Mourinho’s management, therefore, gaping holes must exist in the London’s club squad that can only be plugged by throwing immense amounts of ill-gotten cash at them.

So, grieving Blues supporters, let us know who has become expendible and who needs to be brought in to finally win the big trophy you’ve always dreamed of for…well…two seasons? Duff for Kaka? Offer Ballack 900,000 a week? Drogba for a sack of potatoes?

Put on your FM cap and go nuts.

Tenner: A little blue to be a Blue?

Always a delight, Tenner reveals that money can’t buy happiness.

To get one thing clear straight away, my support for Chelsea has never - and will never - waiver. Even if we were relegated to the Vauxhall/Dr. Martens/Vans/Sotheby’s conference and managed by Harry Redknapp I would still be there (though possibly throwing stones at Harry).

Regardless, as delighted as I am to have a club now that are Premiership champions, challenge for every trophy and have a squad that is the envy of virtually every club in the world I can’t help but disappointed with some aspects of “Chelski”.

Predictably, it’s the diving and attitude that have me irked. I’ve never been one of those fans who vociferously contests every decision against Chelsea regardless of how blatantly correct it is, and have generally been able to see issues fairly. The behaviour of Robben against Liverpool, Drogba against West Brom and Mourinho’s overall ability to anger everyone he comes in contact with have left me feeling somewhat uneasy. Despite Peter Kenyon’s best efforts, we are already the most hated team in the Premiership and quickly becoming one of the least favoured around the world for our behaviour on and off the pitch.

Of course there is the argument that everyone hates a winner, people were sick of both the Liverpool and Manchester United dynasty’s that removed most of the competitiveness for the biggest domestic prizes. But there are no memories of Kenny Dalglish or Ryan Giggs rolling about in the grass to get players sent off, or Paul Scholes winding opposition players up in the press. Football started down a slippery slope with Arsenal’s foreign legion as they brought a new level of ‘continental’ flair to our leagues, and we seemed to have picked up that mantle and added some WWE style storylines and feuds to the mix.

I’m grateful for and delighted at the success and potential of the Mourinho/Abramovich era. Who wouldn’t be? But that doesn’t mean I don’t find myself wishing that Arjen Robben would stay on his f*cking feet.

What shape do things go after pear?

Boggs does a jig in front of a crowd of Asian tourists to celebrate another nail in the coffin.

As if the staggering decline of Sol Campbell, Robert Pires and Freddie Ljunberg weren’t enough…oh, and the imminent loss of Thierry Henry…and probably Ashley Cole as he tries to find a country who won’t judge those who enjoy the odd phone in the anus*. Anyway, as if all that wasn’t enough it seems their most talented young player is hardly devoted to the London club.

Cesc “Ridiculous Eyebrows” Fabregas was the subject of some good ‘ol fashioned Real Madrid unsettling last week, with stand-in president Fernando Martin publicly announcing that signing the talented youngster was his first priority as tries to revamp a struggling squad.

In an ideal world, the young man would have come out and said he was happy at Arsenal with no intentions of moving - if not just for the sake of diplomacy and respect to his current club, manager and fans. But these are not ideal times for Gunners supporters (shame), and they got these heartening words instead (I’ve highlighted my favourite bits),

“It’s a source of pride and happiness for me that a team like Real Madrid are interested in me,” Fabregas told Marca.

“I know that a lot of people are talking about it but no one has approached me. However, it’s always nice that people talk about you in this way.”

‘It (returning to Spain) is something I’ve always had in my head because although I’m happy here (in England) it isn’t my country and you always miss your own one.

‘I don’t know what will happen, but if it doesn’t happen next season it will happen in another because I want to play in the Spanish league one day.’

Apparently he then wrote “FOR SALE” on his chest in a viscous white substance and danced naked in front of Madrid headquarters. Amazing that it was a few seasons ago that Arsenal were the ‘Invincibles’, Wenger and his players couldn’t put a foot wrong and the club was ready to upset the balance of world football as they moved into their new 60,000 stadium.

Pineapple-shaped, that’s what I’m going with.

It’s all gone pineapple-shaped. Shame.

*allegedly… “Allegedly.”

Carvalho is a fool

Ricardo Carvalho is an idiot. Ok, so Leo Messi committed probably the least convincing bit of playacting ever seen (with the cameras focused in on a close up, no less) but was it necessary for Carvalho to respond in quite such an unprofessional and - let’s be honest - utterly stupid manner:

‘Messi is a good player but he has opened the road for some Chelsea players to do the same thing in Barcelona,’

Yes…cause NOW Chelsea players will begin playacting. To be fair, we know plenty of Chelsea fans who have been fed up with the Portugese defender for a while starting with his ginormous price tag, complaining to the press about squad rotation and now doing the club no favours by announcing to the world (and the next referee) that Chelsea plan to head to the Nou Camp ready to prance and flop around with the best of them. Probably not the best idea.

Any bets on Mourinho’s reaction, let alone Carvalho finding himself exiled to Siberia in the summer?

Romanian player shatters transfer record

In a stunning turn of events, Romanian club UT Arad sold defender Marius Cioara in exchange for 15 kilograms of meat - shattering the previous record of 3 sacks of back hair*.

Unfortunately for his new side, Regal Horia, the player then promptly decided to retire and bugger off to Spain to find a job in agriculture or construction.

“We are upset because we lost twice — firstly because we lost a good player and secondly because we lost our team’s food for a whole week,” a Regal Horia official was quoted as saying.

And to think some say Chelsea pay over the odds for players…

*Lies.