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Worst player at the club?

The positive things in football are generally the most boring - no interesting conversation ever stemmed from ‘That Thierry Henry is a good player’. So while everyone this summer is fixated on new transfers and signing that elusive ‘big name’, we’d like to shift gears a bit.

For no apparent reason, there are a lot of Premiership players out there who are utter toss. Players who could drive us all to suicide were we ever to fully comprehend the lifestyle and luxury they enjoy despite providing no discernable benefit to their clubs. The reasons for their crapness are varied; some are fat, some have the famous ‘touch of a rapist’ while others appear to have earned their place in the starting eleven by way of a Shoot caption competition.

Regardless, while there are only 30 days to bring in new signings there are also 30 days left to rid ourselves of certain donkeys who inconceivably continue to plague our pitches each season.

So, who at your club would you have forcefully removed and beaten, and why?

Reina perpetuates stereotypes

Everyone is familiar with the fat bastard in their Sunday league who goes in goal simply because asking any more exertion from him would be considered assault.

But apparently the same applies to Jose “So Lazy” Reina, who had to appear briefly as a midfielder during Liverpool’s pre-season loss to Kaiserslauten,

“It was the last solution. We only had nine men on the pitch and although it wasn’t normal for a goalkeeper to play as a midfielder, I had to do it,” Reina told the club’s official website.

“Rafa asked if I would mind going on to help the team and I told him it was no problem for me. Did I enjoy it? I don’t know - it was more difficult than I thought it would be.”

“I never realised just how much the outfield players have to run around in an actual match. This was only a friendly match so I can imagine there’s even more running around in a really important game.”

Hopefully he remember’s that the next time he’s bollocking poor Steven Finnan for not tracking back. But he probably won’t…because he’s so lazy.

Why do we expect loyalty?

As Jose Antonio Reyes attempt to play down the fact that he is absolutely begging at the feet of Real Madrid to rescue him from Arsenal, we realized that this summer has been rather interesting as a number of supporters are discussing, and cursing, the supposed lack of loyalty of key players.

Ashley Cole has been the worst offender, trying to engineer a move to Chelsea via an awful book yet attempting to play the good guy to the press. Cristiano Ronaldo’s future remains cloudy after his post-World Cup outbursts, Michael Carrick decided against staying with Tottenham even though Martin Jol’s tactics and coaching allowed him to play at a level to get Manchester United’s attention in the first place.

But why do we expect such superhuman displays of character from footballers that we rarely find in real life? If any of us were suddenly offered twice the wages and twice the prestiege at a new company, most would bugger off with little more than a two-fingered salute on the way out, and maybe a quick snog with the receptionist.

More importantly, do we really show loyalty to the players? Other than a select few, often the minute a player looks out of form or struggles over the course of a season the fans demand he be sold and replaced. If we are not willing to stick by a player if they aren’t delivering the goods, why should they be willing to stay with our clubs when there are almost always better options to be found?

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Want to be hated by thousands?

Write for us!

To welcome in the new-look CaughtOffside, we’re also looking to bring in new writers for all Premiership clubs. Right now there are a lot of clubs that aren’t getting the attention they deserve, but you could change all that.

So…

- If you’ve ever gotten better than a ‘See Me.’ on a school essay
- If you’ve ever been praised for your intelligent insight on football
- If you’ve ever started a pub fight for your opinionated, blinkered opinions
- If you’ve ever wanted the opportunity to anger thousands of people at once
- If you don’t mind people calling you a c*nt

Then you might be ready to write for CaughtOffside.

So if you’d like to apply, please email admin@caughtoffside.com with the following:

- Premiership Club Supported
- Brief writing sample on any football topic you like be it rants, tactical analysis or thoughtful haiku.

We want opinionated writers so don’t hold back.

Selling Carrick is the best thing to happen to Tottenham

Boggs tries to hold back the tears as prepares to sleep in his Michael Carrick bedspread for the last time.

The new Tottenham has me excited, Jol has developed the side into one that is tough to beat and entertaining to watch, while Sporting Director Comolli has been astute in the transfer market, picking up quality signings at the right price and even having the forsight to sign Didier Zokora in anticipation of losing Michael the Mullet.

But we’ve only had one good season and I’m much more concerned about the long term. Losing Carrick is painful, but how we are able to react is the litmus test for how Spurs will develop in the coming years. Arsenal have got where they are by selling key players (Overmars, Petit, Anelka) for enormous sums and then using the money to build an even stronger squad. Being capable of doing the same is the only way we’ll ever achieve similar success, regardless of how ‘Big‘ of a club we think we are there are always going to be bigger, and the bids will inevitably come in for the likes of Carrick and Aaron Lennon if they perform at a high level.

I’m not interested in short term success, a couple of good years isn’t going to make up for a lifetime of toss. I want to know that Tottenham have the management in place to handle the brutal world of football, football agents, tapping ups, contract negotiating, lies, deceit and still come out the stronger. Losing Sol Campbell for free was the clear warning sign that the decision makers in place at the time were incompentant and not at all prepared to run a successful football club.

So I’m delighted that a key player has left and that we’ve got a fat wad of cash to play with, because now we’ll see if we’ve really got what it takes to get to the top.

And if we don’t…well…shit.

Juventus are officially crap

Much as been made about the fate of Juventus, even in the face of a reduced sentence for match fixing, and whether or not the club would be able to bounce back.

But the first giant step towards becoming crap has been made, with the italian club offering Newcastle Jonathan Zebina in exchange for the one and only Jean Alain Boumsong.

Thuram and Cannavaro out, Boumsong in. Quality.

Is 18M for Carrick a good thing?

The summer’s most drawn out, and for both clubs the most significant, transfer saga seems just about over.

Reports flooding out of everyone’s arse are that Manchester United have agreed a fee in the region of 18M for Tottenham’s Michael Carrick, in one fell swoop providing Sir Alex the holding midfielder/playmaker he’s been dying for to help challenge Chelsea and removing Spurs of arguably their most important player but adding a fat wad of cash.

The signing has also shown us that Alex Ferguson’s credibilty in any sort of transfer-related quote has been shot even further, while Martin Jol’s remains the model of the fabled Honest Dutchman. We won’t even go into the other lies we’ve been told by other sources.

But is this the right signing for either club? At this price?

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Is Harry Kewell Wearing Lipstick These Days?

Certain members of the CaughtOffside staff are big fans of Harry Kewell. But we think that may have to change, given the photo shown here on the right, advertising Liverpool’s new strip on their official website www.liverpoolfc.tv.

We’re really not sure if he’s promoting the mens strip or the women’s here — is he really wearing makeup?!?! Jutting out his t*ts a bit too isn’t (s)he?

This is what happens on slow news days…ok?

Sir Alex “Deluded” Ferguson?

The latest words from Ferguson’s increasingly insane mouth,

“If I were to start the season with all the players I’ve got available, all fit, I don’t think the supporters would be disappointed - neither would I.”

Right…

You’d be hard pressed to find a more polarising statement amongst the supporters of any club, let alone Manchester United’s. No one thinks their club’s squad is perfect and the idea of going an entire transfer window without making a signing is difficult to accept, especially when you have the Big Spenders to catch up with.

Diarra, Carrick, Torres, Ballack, Obi Mikel, Kuszczak were all confirmed targets to strengthen the side ahead of next season but all have broken down for one reason or another.

But oh well, apparently United didn’t need them anyway.

Sure, Ole Gunnar Solskjaer’s back and there’s a lot of business yet to be done this transfer window but we can’t help but be just a little curious to hear whether ol’ Sir Alex knows the Manchester United supporters as well as he thinks he does.

Are you man enough?

It’s Chelsea day here on CaughtOffside, and after doing a once over in the comments of both our most-popular article to date and Squiddy’s recent entry - a question came to mind:

If a Russian billionaire named Boman Habramovich came in, bought your club, and started spending 100 million a season - what would you do?

Would you cry that your own club is ruining the Premiership and even ruining football? Would you lament that any trophies won were now tainted and meaningless? Perhaps you’d stop supporting them altogether and pick up a season ticket to your local non-league team?

Or would you continue to go to matches? Continue to cheer them on, and cheer even louder when a trophy is raised by whoever you happened to buy that season to be your captain? And would you tell anyone who says otherwise that they’re just jealous mugs who should worry about their own poor club?

Chelsea’s fans don’t care, Portsmouth’s fans don’t care, Aston Villa’s fans cetainly won’t so would you have the balls to react any differently?

Chelsea: Footballing Marmite

New boy Squiddy ponders the ins and outs of everyone’s obsession with the Premiership champions.

Love them or hate them… because there don’t seem to be any other choices available…

The one feeling few football fans don’t have about the back-to-back Premier League Champions is indifference.

It’s always nice to be loved, but when it comes to coining it in, nothing beats being the bad boy on the patch (or pitch). Frankenstein, Dracula, Freddy, Alien, Terminator, Predator, Dirty Den (eh?) - all as bad as bad can be, but they share the ability to have them drooling in the aisles and at the box-office.

News was released recently that Chelsea made it into the top 500 of the Superbrands branding index- the first time football clubs have been included. In Chelsea’s own report on this news they revealed that support of Chelsea within the UK has risen from 1m to 4m in the last three years, on the back of worldwide support that’s supposed to be well on its way to 20m.

This is backed up by the Deloitte Football Money League, whose report on the 2003/04 season showed Chelsea had already jumped from 10th to 4th in the world in terms of income before consolidating into 5th in 2004/05 - behind only Manchester United in England both times.

Say what you like about Chelsea’s spending, but the only thing that increases income is more and more kids in the playground and those turned onto football as the Premier League permeates people’s lives, buying the kit and subscribing to the magazine and doing the Tour of the ground and whatever else the Megastore has to offer. Chelsea are popular!

But at the same time, no-one needs to have it pointed out to them the bitterness, envy and outright hatred Chelsea’s largesse has generated. Bad thing? Not at all. While some misguided Chelsea supporters seem to wish that opposition fans would join in and appreciate the club now it’s finally reached the top of the pile, it’s inevitable that being on a pedestal means others want to knock them off - by fair means or foul.

Many match-going fans at all clubs have their complaints about the atmosphere and supporter involvement, but not one of them thinks that when Chelsea come to town. Everyone, without exception, wants to be the one to knock Chelsea off their perch. Every game is a cup final comparable to the fiercest local derby, with no greater basis behind it sometimes than Chelsea are top of the current tree.

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Pennant to Liverpool…Hooray?

They’ve finally done it! According to the Mirror (err…) Liverpool have had a 6M pound bid accepted by Birmingham for right winger (amazing!) Jermaine Pennant. The speedy, sometimes-jailed Pennant has been a target for Rafa for some time and Birmingham’s asking price was finally met after Liverpool pulled out of a deal for Sevilla’s Daniel Alves.

Should prove to be a fruitful signing, Pennant’s wingplay and crossing allowed even Emile Heskey to get the odd goal last season so Peter Crouch is likely foaming at the mouth…which is a truly disgusting mental image. And after some initial off-pitch problems early in his career, most of that seems to be behind him and living in Liverpool should help distance him from such unruly antics…hmm…

[Update: Good ol Mirror, reliable as always]

Rooney hates Moyes, insults Newcastle

As is tradition in football these days, players “co-write” an autobiography, publish excerpts in some crappy tabloid and then kick up massive controversey by insulting various people and clubs from their past and present. The results can be mixed, just ask Jaap Staam, Roy Keane or Ashley Cole.

Young Wayne Rooney can now add his name to such distinguished ranks, figuring that he’d tell his 3 year story of soliciting granny hookers and staggering gambling problems in his own words. The latest revelation is that Rooney considers David Moyes to have been a jealous, overbearing manager, which says a lot considering that Rooney currently plays for Alex Ferguson,

‘I would have gone almost anywhere just to get away from David Moyes. If no-one had come in I would have joined Newcastle,’ Rooney wrote in My Story So Far, serialised in the Daily Mail.

The last bit is interesting if you enjoy taking things out of context - and we do - note that Wayne did not say ‘had Manchester United not come in I would have joined Newcastle’ or ‘had a Champions League club not come in I would have joined Newcastle’ but simply ‘had no-one‘ indiciating that the Geordies held a place in his heart somewhere between Accrington Stanley and a cucumber sandwich. Apparently playing for the world’s greatest supporters etc etc etc didn’t have quite the appeal as it does today.

Villa to become NFL equivalent of Villa?

Kabillionaire owner of NFL team the Cleveland Browns Randy Lerner is believed to be interested in taking over Aston Villa from Doug Ellis’ terrible, terrible grasp.

Luckily for Villa supporters, the Cleveland Browns are essentially the NFL equivalent of Villa so they won’t have to suffer through any drastic changes to their club such as more than 500K transfer funds, or maybe a manager who isn’t a prat.

Since American owners don’t exactly have the best track record in the Premiership (admittedly with a sample size of 1), it’d be interesting to see what the supporters think about all this.

Anyone know anything interesting?

Other than the tedious Duff-cost-5p story, it’s pretty boring out there in the world of football and particularly the Premiership. Same old transfer rumors, same pointless pre-season matches featuring 1-3-12 formations and the same old Manchester United being denied yet another player.

So feel free to let us know if there’s anything remotely interesting going on at your club…or anywhere really.

In the meantime here’s a clip of Harry Redknapp doing what Harry does best, bollocking his own players. Think it was back during his first stint at Portsmouth.

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