August 2006

It’s over! Congratulations to everyone who survived yet another Premiership transfer window, there’ll be a full round up tomorrow once we’ve finished crying our eyes out and looking for reasons to slate West Ham.

Some may think that the race for the best transfer deal of this summer was over when West Ham secured the services of Carlos Tevez and Javier Mascherano, but Newcastle once again have pulled out all the stops to put the spotlight back on them.

In a blockbuster, last minute transfer reminiscent of Tottenham’s last minute signing of Andy Booth in 2001, Newcastle have swooped in to pick up 32 year-old Antoine Sibierski from Manchester City to add to their increasingly bizarre stable of strikers including Michael Owen, Obafemi Martins, Giuseppe Rossi and Shoela Ameobi. He can also play in midfield, if that matters.

We’d tell you Sibierski’s goal record, but somehow we imagine that on a day like today it just isn’t going to make anyone feel any better about this one.

It seemed unbelievable when it was season long loans, but now the official announcement has been made that West Ham have actually sealed PERMANENT moves for Carlos Tevez and Javier Mascherano. The best part of the announcement was,

“The pair have been signed for an undisclosed fee and put pen to paper on permanent contracts with the Club this afternoon. All other aspects of the transfers will remain confidential and undisclosed.”

Conspiracy theorists are going nuts trying to figure this one out with an Media Sports Investments takeover, Roman Abramovich’s involvement, corruption and exchange of sexual favours being discussed. But the matter remains that Alan Pardew and whoever conducts West Ham’s transfer business need to be given a standing ovation at every ground they go to. Manchester United, Arsenal, and plenty of others must be wondering what the f**k happened.

Simply unbelievable. Let the gloating, deservedly, begin.

Tottenham finalized the signing Fulham’s Steed Malbranque, currently injured for 10 weeks, amongst interest from Bolton and West Ham. Although we imagine West Ham aren’t quite as annoyed as they might have been yesterday. The Frenchman mirrors the signing of Hossam Ghaly, who joined Martin Jol’s side crocked and has yet to feature in a Premiership match. Tottenham are also linked to Harry “My Knees!” Kewell.

While, on the surface, this seems like a comical and fruitless way to conduct transfer business it could just be that Martin Jol and Sporting Director Damien Commolli have figured out what Claudio Ranieri and Jose Mourinho couldn’t - how to keep hundreds of first team players happy.

If you sign the injured or injury prone, they’ll rotate themselves! Genius.

So as everyone and their grandmother is aware, the biggest news of the day is Carlos Tevez announcing on his personal website that he and Javier Mascherano are about to sign on a season long loan for West Ham, after the London club agreed a deal with sports company Media Sports Investments who, for some reason, own the duo.

Still no official confirmation yet from any either club involved, but both West Ham supporters and their rivals are in hysteria over the deal. Manchester United, Arsenal and Chelsea were all linked strongly with the Argentinians with United and Arsenal in particular in need of Mascherano’s services, while Tottenham and Newcastle generally pride themselves on signing so called ‘big names’ away from the Champions League clubs. So for West Ham to nip in ahead of all of them represents arguably the biggest coup in football history.

The fact that some fans still believe it’s all a hoax only tells at the level of frustration and jealousy this would cause should it come off. West Ham fans are in a tizzy such that their main message board, kumb.com, is currently struggling to manage the volume of traffic.

There is no doubt that every Premiership club, Chelsea included, would have hailed their transfer window a success should Tevez and Mascherano walked in the door and no one else.

So given that West Ham, of all clubs, look like snapping them up we’re wondering:

How angry are you?

According to a recent update on the website of Spanish newspaper and part time Real Madrid fanzine Marca, Arsenal are about to agree a deal for Julio Baptista that will bring ‘The Beast’ to the Premiership and finally, FINALLY see moanin’ Jose Antionio Reyes return to Spain.

According to a terrible online translator we found, the article says:

Jose Antonio Kings returns to approach Real Madrid. In fact his draftee by the white set is to a ninety percent of possibilities of closing itself in the next hours. The set that Ramon Calderón presides over has returned to the load by the Sevillian left-handed person and in his supply she would be of three million euros and to Julio Baptist, who seems to have accepted the possibility of going away to London after to have rejected a supply of the Tottenham.

The multipurpose Brazilian soccer player always has interested to Arsene Wenger, reason why the French technician would now see with good eyes the madridista supply by the international Spanish. For want of a day so that the market of draftees is closed the operation would have to be accelerated in the next hours so that the danger does not run to remain, like in previous occasions, in the inkpot.

Basically the key points there seem to be:
- Baptista to Arsenal for Reyes and 3M Euros
- Baptista rejected Tottenham to join Arsenal (does anything ever go right for them?)
- Baptista loves Arsene Wenger
- Reyes means “Kings” in Spanish, who knew?
- Some sort of left handed person is involved, for some reason.
- The transfer has to be rushed, or else it’ll end up in the inkpot. Apparently it’s happened before.

Good news for Arsenal as they get a physical presence in the middle of the park, or up front, that will help them make up ground on Chelsea, Liverpool and Manchester United. Bad news for Tottenham, because it’s Arsenal.

It’s been a long and painful month. The new season started with plenty of disappointment for everyone as only Manchester United has taken maximum points. The Premiership transfer window is closing with most supporters still salivating at the mouth for more players, and we’ve got a soon-to-be-classic International match ahead when England meet Andorra.

So as September (the ‘Devil’s Month’) rolls around, here’s a look back at some of CaughtOffside’s best bits from August:

- CaughtOffside gets Chelsea’s Andrei Shevchenko to expose Harry Redknapp as a liar at the Reebok press event in London. Well…’reveal’ may not be as accurate as ‘confirm for the 900th time’. Video of his answer here.

- Tottenham and Fulham’s Jimmy “Melting Face” Bullard are the early front runners, but who else will we laugh at this season?

- Steven Gerrard is a dirty, dirty cheat.

- Newcastle are not a ‘Big Club‘. But they are attention seekers.

- Robinho will break your face.

- Arsenal are screwed.

- Many people have many reasons to hate Andy Gray.

- Apparently 35 million pounds just doesn’t go as far as it used to.

- Get in your final prayers before you dreams are ruined.

- Jermaine Defoe’s prospects at Tottenham might have gone down further after the arrival of Mido, but at least he’s still in the England squad, right?

- In Pardew West Ham trusts.

The most admirable part about Manchester City’s decision to ban and fine Ben Thatcher for six weeks is that they recognized how long it could take the FA and the police to get their act together over the fullback’s attempt to assassinate Portsmouth’s Pedro Mendes, presumably because he fancied his wife for himself or something.

“As custodians of the club and football in general, the board and the manager felt it was important to act as soon as possible.” said Manchester City Chief Executive Alistair Mackintosh.

But even with more punishments on the way from the FA and the pigs, six matches off just seems like a nice little holiday. We’ve already made our opinion known about what Ben Thatcher’s punishment should be.

Any other ideas?

Subbuteo is for losers, Panini sticker albums are for children and the less said the better about these the better.

Finally, there is a football toy for the discerning collector as a company called Blighty Creations is releasing Little Hooliganz, a line of hooligan based action figures featuring figures such as Slap Head Nick, Ard Man Aaron and firms like Arsenal Aardvark Avengers and Newcastle Nest Nigglers (note the “l” there).

Unfortunately sale of the figurines and any pictures of the actual product on their website have been suspended following the threat of legal action from those uptight buggers at the Premier League,

A spokesman said: “Anything that celebrates or trivialises hooliganism in any form is deplorable.

“The Premier League and our clubs have worked tirelessly to eradicate violence from the game and with the cooperation and vigilance of true football fans we largely have.

“If there is any infringement of our or the clubs’ intellectual property then our lawyers will deal with the manufacturers of these figures accordingly.”

Trust anyone associated with the Premiership to struggle to fail to see the lighter side of such a product. And as for patting themselves on the back for eradicating violence from the game? Yes, a job well done indeed.

[Via The Offside]

A night out clubbing!

After succumbing 2-0 to ten man Everton, Tottenham’s Jermaine Jenas, Aaron Lennon and possibly Tony Gardner put their worries behind them and took in the sights and sounds of London’s fine nightlife.

Jenas especially appears less than match fit, as his face is all sweaty and his eyes are going different directions. Although it’s good to see they still hang out with old teamate Andy Reid.

Bravo!