Forget Makelele, Which Other Footballers Deserve Their Own “Role”?
by CaughtOffside Team on April 10th, 2007There is a select list of players throughout football history who have either been so revolutionary or so influential (or both) that they inevitably have a “role” named after them. The Premiership has been the lucky beneficiary of the “Cantona role”, “Bergkamp role” and most recently “Makelele” role.
CaughtOffside writer Craig takes a look at a few more of the latest Premiership stars to define a position unto themselves, and we certainly want to hear your own suggestions:
Claude Makelele role (Chelsea)– Ok we said forget about him, but he has to kick things off. Nobody plays defensive midfield like him. You can always rely on him to be sitting in front of the Chelsea defence and sweeping up every single opposition attack. Usually doesn’t go forward much – but earlier this season he got a rush of blood to the head and did this. His importance is underlined by the fact that Real Madrid have not won a single trophy since he was sold in 2003 for having the audacity to ask for similar wages to Zidane, Figo etc.
Steven Gerrard role (Liverpool) – Central midfield? Right midfield? Second Striker? Right Back? You can play anywhere but in goal and still be playing the ‘Gerrard role’. Immense success is a must - he is the only player to have scored in the finals of the Champions’ League, UEFA Cup, FA Cup and League Cup – and all by age 26. But back to the task at hand, anybody wishing to play the ‘Gerrard role’ must have a nasty streak and the strength and stamina to run around like a headless chicken for 90 minutes with no regard for team shape or tactical positioning, forcing your manager to play two other central midfielders just to cover you. Then get applauded for it, English passion and all that.
Frank Lampard role (Chelsea) – Stand around for a bit. Get the ball. Whack it as hard as you can towards the goal. Hope for a deflection. Lampard thrives because the team is built around him, Makelele and Essien do all the leg work and give him the ball. Sure he’s scored 20 goals – but so could many players if they took every set piece and had 2 other players doing all the work in midfield allowing them to concentrate on shooting as often as possible. Imagine how many goals Lyon’s Juninho or some other more naturally talented player could score if you gave him the freedom and opportunities ol’ Franky enjoys. Maximum results for minimal natural talent defines the ‘Lampard role’.
Cesc Fabregas role (Arsenal) – Get the ball, get fouled. Get the ball, get fouled. Get the ball, get fouled. Get the ball, get fouled. Get a yellow card for complaining after being fouled for the 327th time. Wind up opposition manager/players/fans/ballboys/mascot/tea lady by getting in their faces, despite the fact that you have to jump to do so.
John Terry role (Chelsea) – Ideal for players with no positional awareness. Similar to the ‘Gerrard role’ but for defenders. Get yourself constantly on the wrong side of attackers but make up for it with numerous last ditch tackles and generally flinging your body about with reckless abandon. Looks great on the highlights.
Phil Neville role (Everton) – The requirements for this unique role do go beyond “uglier than Gary Neville” - as difficult as that is. Requires a trophy-to-talent ratio that sends even the most jaded conspiracy theorists into fits, and an ability to show than a second string full back at a Big Club (Manchester United) can go and become a midfield at a smaller club (Everton).
Jamie Carragher role (Liverpool) – Fancy doing a job and not getting the credit you deserve? Try playing the ‘Carragher role’. The ‘Carragher role’ requires great patience as you are constantly overshadowed by more high profile team mates. You will get international recognition but only fill in for injured players at left-back, right-back and even defensive midfield - but never your natural position. But fear not, for those in the ‘Carragher role’ will soon join those in the ‘Makelele’ role as they are called underrated so often than they become overrated.
Albert Luque role (Newcastle) – Think about the least interested you could look in a game of football. Multiply it by 100. Congratulations, you are playing the ‘Luque role’.
Other ‘interesting’ characters that could use a bit of fleshing out:
Ahmed Mido role (Tottenham)
Julio Baptista role (Arsenal)
Andy Johnson role (Everton)
Cristiano Ronaldo role (Manchester United)
Kevin Davies role (Bolton)
If you have your own suggestions for a revolutionary ‘role’, let us know in the comments.


pupsplums - April 10th, 2007 at 3:01 pm
I love the Fabregas one, class. He can’t tackle at all, we call him Fibreglass down at Chelsea.
bluebro - April 10th, 2007 at 3:02 pm
this is bullshit…….. typical biased shit
Mongoose - April 10th, 2007 at 3:04 pm
[quote comment=”36720″]this is bullshit…….. typical biased shit[/quote]
stop moaning, of course its biased. Thats what following football is about, everyone supports a team and has bias .Get over it and suggest your own players then, or are you soooo objective you cant even think of poking a bit of fun at someone?
Eddy - April 10th, 2007 at 3:05 pm
The Carlos Tevez Role:
- Look really good for ages but never get played because Marlon Harewood scored some goals in the Championship. Finally get your chance when your manager is fighting for his life and prove to everyone that your club would have been in the top 6 if you played ever match this season.
Squiddy - April 10th, 2007 at 3:19 pm
[quote comment=”36719″]I love the Fabregas one, class. He can’t tackle at all, we call him Fibreglass down at Chelsea.[/quote]
Since he went down clutching his face in the Carling Cup final after being touched in the chest I thought he was being called the Fabricator.
For the sake of the newbies, look up Beckenbauer.
Sam - April 10th, 2007 at 3:42 pm
The gerrard one is brilliant… being a chelsea fan although he does play for us you are spot on about fat frank. my one would be similar to tevez but for mascherano…
plays amazing in the world cup, goes on a suspect transfer then your ‘championshipesq’ manager thinks that heyon mullens or lee bowyer is better than you you get shipped off to liverpool to make sure that gerrard can run like a headless chicken again, and you then begin to look your previous seld. do this then your javier mascherano
Loren Dunlop - April 10th, 2007 at 4:16 pm
The Thiery Henry - surround yourself in an auro of pure brilliance, play shit, all the while snalring and shaking at anyone with the audacity to have a shot from outside the box. even tho you’re one down and theres 5 to play, and it was the first shot on target.
Wayne - April 10th, 2007 at 4:35 pm
The ‘David James’ role. Be the best keeper in the league for one season, then make a catastrophic series of errors earning you ‘Calamity’ status. Move to next club and repeat. Finish your career by being just 1 clean sheet away from the Premiership record, but concede in every game until the end of the season.
wayne - April 10th, 2007 at 4:36 pm
Van Persie- Start out a light weight, frustrate home supporters, improve with time, become a phenom, outshine the best striker in the world (thierry henry), get injured, start cycle all over again
Socceroo - April 11th, 2007 at 12:20 am
The Christiano Ronaldo Role:
Spend 3 hours gluing and spraying disturbingly effeminate hairstyle (add 1 hour for eyebrow and leg waxing).
Get ball, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, shoot
Get ball, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, dive
Get ball, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, dive
Get ball, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, dive
Get ball, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, shoot
etc
etc
Harcourt Road - April 11th, 2007 at 12:45 am
Mido role (Tottenham): If selected to start, show fans yet another hairstyle. Appear disturbingly fat. Underline disturbing weight gain by plodding around centre of pitch, lurching towards opposition if (a) they’re closer than 10 feet and (b) they have the ball (even for a fraction of a second). Track back slower than Michael Owen on crutches, with said disturbing weight gain adding to momentum such taht direction cannot be reversed despite counter-attack by teammates. End up behind midfielders when ball is played into opposition box. Throw up in mouth a little bit because of all of that running (approx 80 yds). If jumping for ball, ensure elbows are flung outwards to guarantee maximum potential for contact with opposition head/face/throat. Get disturbingly sweaty after having played 5 minutes. Upon single instance of being in 6 yard box (after goal hanging for 25 minutes), either miss the sitter or get it straight to the keeper. Hold head in hands at disbelief. Throw up in mouth a little more at prospect of shuffling back near middle of pitch. Smile for Stuart Pearce who must be watching on Sky Sports.
The Pam - April 11th, 2007 at 4:48 am
The Djimi Traore role:
~Be shit.
~Be highly rated in France, despite being shit.
~Score fabulous own-goals.
~Your very presence, even for just 6 months, sends an otherwise-decent team with a well-regarded manager hurtling towards relegation (see: Charlton)
~Somehow fit a Champions’ League medal in there, despite the fact that you’re shit.
Lee - April 11th, 2007 at 12:09 pm
The Defoe role:
ignore all your teammates call for the ball even if they are in a better position, run into defenders and lose the ball, or spot a fan in row Z and aim your shot at him.
Drewby - April 12th, 2007 at 4:47 pm
[quote comment=”36754″]The Christiano Ronaldo Role:
Spend 3 hours gluing and spraying disturbingly effeminate hairstyle (add 1 hour for eyebrow and leg waxing).
Get ball, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, shoot
Get ball, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, dive
Get ball, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, dive
Get ball, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, dive
Get ball, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, shoot
etc
etc[/quote]
next on the list: be the most unstopable player in the world. attract triple teams at all times, and occasionally smoke all three of them. single handly win games for your team, put them on the path to winning the leauge. repeat…
Jammy T - April 12th, 2007 at 10:12 pm
The Jehns Lehmann Role…
Have hair like the Hoff…only be in contention for your country because the competition is like 4 years older than you (though you yourself are pushing on 40) feel that you have the right to contend EVERY decision the ref makes, even if it is in the opposition’s box.
Push people like Kevin Philips thinking that just because you’re bigger than him you could have him in a fight, only to get pushed to the floor.
Oh, and be quite a shite goalkeeper at the same time…only in the team because, let’s face it, Almunia is actually the bootman isn’t he?
haha - April 13th, 2007 at 6:18 pm
Shit article. Albert Luque? LMFAO!!!!
Ali Dia's Cousin - April 13th, 2007 at 6:20 pm
[quote comment=”36995″]Shit article. Albert Luque? LMFAO!!!![/quote]
uh are you some kind of moron?
tone - April 14th, 2007 at 3:15 pm
“Momo Sissoko Role”
Run around even more aimlessly than Steven Gerrard because you are a ‘destroyer’. Display footballing ability and eye for an pass only rivaled by pirates. Be a ‘destroyer’, a role that apparenly requires the same skill set as five out of 10 players in any Sunday League team.
ChristopherWreh=God - April 14th, 2007 at 3:47 pm
Martin Jol Role:
Pretend you are playing Football Manager at all times by declaring interest in every player accross Europe below the age of 22. Go into every game using the same tactics you would use in Football Manager then act surprised when you lose a game from a position of total dominance…
Whilst doing all of the above make sure you get the kitman to sort you out with the worst tracksuit he can find.
Thomas Frederick Youlden - April 14th, 2007 at 3:54 pm
Harry Gregory Role (or the poor mans Zidane)
Wander around the pitch aimlessly when the opposition has the ball. When a hard working member of the team regains possession call for it whilst endlessly flapping hands about. When eventually passed to refuse to take more than one touch, hopefully flicking the ball or back heeling it, obiously back to the opposition to start the cycle again. Get fouled allot, and shouted at by own team. Dive. Occasionally pull out a piece of absolute class.
Andrea Pirlo - April 14th, 2007 at 3:56 pm
The Nicola Ventola Role
Play brilliantly for U21’s scoring lots of goals. Get bought by Inter. Let them try their hardest to ruin your carreer. Get loaned out to crap clubs. After 8 years of injuries and general rubbish loan performances go back to Atalanta, get promoted and score a few Serie A goals.
Sticky Toffees for Europe - April 14th, 2007 at 8:25 pm
The Richard Wright Role.
Start off as a bright prospect for Ipswich. Flop at Arsenal…move to Everton and try to get back on track.
Get yet more injuries….tripping over a signpost in a goalnet and falling out of the attic.
Slip behind a 40 year old keeper…then behind two 18 year old keepers.
Earn 20k a week on the bench sometimes as no club wants you.
Wiinning Post - April 15th, 2007 at 1:13 pm
Lee carsley role,same as makele’s role and just as effective.
P neville is our fullback and has only played 3/4 games in midfield, due to manny and tim being out.So what youve written doesnt really make sense to me with regards to phil.
I sense a dislike there,hence your efforts to be offensive and come up with shite like he’s a midfielder.
He’s played more games for man u in midfield than he has everton.If your gonna write about a player at least have some knowledge fella.Geeeez!
grazza - April 16th, 2007 at 2:15 pm
Ricardo Rocha Role:
Fling yourself wildly at headers, sending them in random directions.
Get turned easily, then fling yourself wildly at the ball or man and take either.
Look exactly like Figo.
MaxPower - May 21st, 2007 at 2:25 pm
Luis Garcia role:
Get regular games based on preferential treatment by manager. Not a specialist in any sense of his game, yet score many crucial goals to redeem his overall lack of efficiency.
dez - May 25th, 2007 at 1:22 pm
wayne rooney - despite looking and actin like a pub regular display outstanding skill and the only thing missin iz that quote from the VolksWagon advert (where that fat guy iz doin backflips), “now theres something you dont see very often”
korodon - October 21st, 2007 at 11:58 am
Robinson role-
Eat burgers, grow fat, play for england, concede goal. loser
WTF? - October 21st, 2007 at 12:10 pm
hleb role- mispass balls entire match yet come up top 3 in the assist charts-wtf???
beckham role- play well, create chances, score crucial goals, get criticized, get dropped by dim-witted manager, make a comeback, injure self.
mcClaren’s role- drop campbell, drop james, drop beckham, play gerrard in middle, and one by one, decisions come back to haunt him.
ronaldo role- dribble the ball, dribble pass 5 defenders, shot, miss and visit prostitutes.
defoe’s role- dribble the ball, dribble into 5 defs, no chance to shoot…