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Manchester United Put Us Out Of Our Misery

WOW! Manchester United have confirmed the signing OWEN HARGREAVES! Wow!!!

“Manchester United is delighted to announce that it has agreed terms with Bayern Munich for the transfer of Owen Hargreaves,” read a statement from United. “The player has also agreed terms with the club and passed his medical.

“Owen will formally sign his contract with Manchester United when he returns from his holiday at the end of June and will join on July 1, 2007.”

West Ham Beat Tottenham To Scott Parker

Yesterday the news broke that West Ham were close to signing Scott Parker from Newcastle for around 8 million. Reports today are now suggesting that the club also fended off late interest from Tottenham, who were looking to complete round off their army of central midfielders.

We would have thought Scott Parker was the kind of player Allardyce would have liked, aggressive, hard working. But he may not have the tactical discipline that ol’ Sammy wants, choosing instead to run about aimlessly and throwing himself in the general vicinity of the ball. Or maybe he’s crap, which is what some of our Geordie supporting mates have been ranting about for a while now. It’s always hard to tell with them.

This is also just an excuse to use this photo which, real or not, is still very amusing.

Manchester United Are Going To Be Really, Really, Really Good.

Boggs supports Tottenham. Boggs also can not believe what’s going on at Manchester United.

When Manchester United dominated the Premiership virtually from start to finish, with the occasional look back at Chelsea and barely a thought for Arsenal and Liverpool, many supporters applauded and heralded the creation of a third dominant squad for Sir Alex. But secretly, there were doubts. The season was won on the back of an incredible year from Cristiano Ronaldo and the resurgent form of aging midfielders Ryan Giggs and Paul Scholes - the trio proving vastly responsible for United’s trademark attacking verve.

But when it was all said and done, the holes were easy to pick through. Could Ronaldo keep it up? Who would United look to for pace and attacking speed from midfield if he was hurt? Was this simply an indian summer for Giggs and Scholes? Who could United possibly sign to replace them, given that their current second string players were hardly world class and Chelsea and Liverpool were bigged up as having the kind of financial backing to trump any attempt from United to sign the world’s best?

And in one busy week of transfer activity. All questions have been answered.

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Manchester United Sign “Next Ronaldo”

Well that was easy.

First, the next Ronaldinho and now the next Ronaldo (C, not Fat). Tottenham supporters may have been going to bed with dreams of pinching Sporting Lisbon’s Nani away from Manchester United to join Gareth Bale on the left wing, but the more logical destination has won out.

Two incredibly talented young attacking players plundered from the Portuguese league in the same day and they, along with Owen Hargreaves, must surely take the summer’s outlay well over 30 million. Liverpool and Chelsea better get spending. If all the signings work out the way the club hopes, Manchester United may have just answered the question that gave their Premiership rivals some hope for the next few seasons,

“Yeah, but who will replace Roy Keane, Ryan Giggs and Paul Scholes?”

Manchester United Sign “Next Ronaldinho”

They completely arsed up trying to sign the original Ronaldinho, but Manchester United have pulled off the first unexpected big signing of the summer by picking up Porto ace Anderson, jumping ahead of rumoured interest from Chelsea and Barcelona previously.

Of all the players who United have been linked with recently, Anderson could arguably have the greatest impact. A player who, if he fulfills his immense potential, could give the club three of the best players in the world joining Rooney and Ronaldo and the fact that all three are under 22 is even scarier for the rest of the Premiership. He’s fast, tricky and…well, everything else that young Brazilian’s tend to be.

If there was ever an indication that Sir Alex plans to manage United until his deathbed, this may be it.

And, of course, the obiligatory YouTube compilation with - for some reason - JT providing the beats.

One Liverpool Fan’s Bittersweet Champions League Journey

Apparently Liverpool’s Champions League loss was so painful to Peter, it took him over a week to remember what the hell happened.

I can’t remember feeling this numb for this long. Sure there have been disappointing defeats, last minute winners from opposing teams that didn’t deserve a point. But nothing can come close to getting to a Champions League final and getting pipped to the trophy by the hand of Pippo!

The atmosphere around Athens was awesome and all anyone could talk about was the big final. I was at an advantage as I speak Greek so I could flavour the different opinions of the locals. The general consensus was that Milan were favourites but that Liverpool were an enigma that you could never rule out. Milan knew this all too well and although Italy is only a short trip away from Greece the roads were predominantly red, not red and black. All sorts of different paraphernalia were on sale but the one commodity that was selling faster than condoms in a brothel was beer. Luckily all the store owners had stocked up so it didn’t appear anyone was going without.

The most impressive sight was in the centre of Athens though, at Syndagma Square where Liverpool supporters far and wide had gathered to sing along and celebrate this great occasion. It was truly a sight to behold as one song after the other was rattled out, and I standing smack in the middle in awe at this tremendous gathering. There was a constant drizzle lingering in the atmosphere but that did nothing to dampen the spirits of these most loyal fans who had invaded Athens and were letting the locals know exactly what it means to support Liverpool. I don’t know whether it was by accident or not but some AC Milan fans found themselves at the square and were roundly greeted by ‘three-nil, and you fucked it up’ but generally there was no agro between the two sets of fans. Greek police had done there best to separate the fans and had even gone as far as not allowing Liverpool supporters on trains from the Airport as that was the route the Italians were given. The only bit of agro I witnessed were to AC Milan fans having at it with each other, with my Italian being as good as my Mongolian (I did actually work at a Mongolian Barbeque but it wasn’t mandatory to speak the language!) I didn’t really understand what they were talking about. The only bit I managed to catch was one fan saying Gilardino but other than that it was gibberish to me.

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Eto’o And £17M For Henry? Arsenal Better Bite Their Hand Off

If Spanish rag Marca is to be believed, Arsenal and Barcelona are already well into negotiations that would see Thierry Henry move to Spain with Samuel Eto’o and £17M in sacks of cash heading the other way.

This, is what will now be known as the Greatest Deal Ever ™.

Henry is in decline. People always bang on about how footballer’s prime is when they are in their late 20’s (Henry is 29) but that’s generally a load of bollocks. Football players can peak physically at different ages depending on what “peak” means for their style of play. Speedsters like Michael Owen were never going to be at their “peak” when approaching 30. Football circumstance can also dictate a different peak, Henry enjoyed the best years of his career during a spell of relative dominance for Arsenal in the Premiership. The club is rebuilding now, and at 29 there’s no guarantee that he would see the fruits of this new Wenger side.

That isn’t to say he’s anything less than world class anymore, but he’s started very slowly downhill in body and mind. His fitness problems last season were the first major ones of his Arsenal career and you have to question whether his body is breaking down even if his skills have not. Suffering numerous, niggling injuries, as Henry did rather than one major one is even more worrying. His mentality has been questioned even by Arsenal fans, who got on his back when his incessant moaning at team mates during a tough spell led to some calls for him to lose his captaincy.

Eto’o, on the other hand. Is just 26 and currently in the best form of his career with a few more prime years ahead of him. To get a player like him AND 17 million at a time when Arsene Wenger’s purse strings are still relatively tied compared to their rivals, seems almost too good to be true. Not only that, but Arsenal would be collecting the player who Liverpool, Chelsea, and Manchester United have all been allegedly singled out as the man they want to lead their line. It doesn’t get much better than that.

The emotional attachment to Thierry Henry may sway some to want to keep their legend at all costs, but to the objective neutral this deal seems pretty ridiculous.

LA Galaxy Make Everyone Laugh

David Beckham’s new bosses at the LA Galaxy appear to be torn over whether there may be some value in allowing the former Manchester United player to go out on loan,

Alexi Lalas, Club President and Ginger, said,

“We always consider possibilities that will make the player better as a soccer player and therefore make him a much more valuable asset because of that experience of going to play with another team on loan, or if we felt it made proper business sense and it is usually a combination of the two,” Lalas said on Sky Sports News.

But the team’s coach, Frank Yallop, is understandably less enthusiastic about losing the only player on his team capable of juggling the ball more than 3 times,

“We have a long season and a long pre-season, so he will need the break at the end of our season in October or November,” said Yallop.

“We will need to give him a break and he will need a test, so I don’t see any loan deals going on with David.”

We really hope Lalas wasn’t serious about letting Becks on loan to gain experience because, well, it’s the LA bloody Galaxy who probably are benefiting from his in this deal. The “business sense” part doesn’t seem to play into things here either, since if Becks is out on loan in the Premiership then what the hell is the Galaxy going to get other than the worst wage structure in history?

Mike Ashley Ready To Become A Newcastle Legend

Ankur ponders a life without Freddy Shepherd.

The Newcastle United soap opera was rocked this week by the news that Sir John Hall sold his 41.6% stake to the secretive British billionaire Mike Ashley. This deal was so top secret that even the incumbent chairman Freddy Shepherd didn’t know about it. The 64 million dollar question is… who is Mike Ashley?

According to the Sunday Times rich list he is ranked joint 25th with a personal fortune of £1.9 billion. That is impressive considering that he is a self-made billionaire and he is only 42. Although he is a recluse, he is a smart business operator, having turned his father’s sports shop into the UK’s biggest sports retail chain. He pocketed a cool £929 million when his business group Sports World international, which includes the chains Sports World, Lillywhites and the Original Shoe Company, was floated on the stock market. He retains a 57% stake in the group worth £880 million at present. He transformed sports retail by buying ailing sports brands including Kangol, Londsdale, Donnay and Slazenger and effectively turning them into his sports chains’ labels. He realised that these brands had much higher earning potential than own-brand T-shirts with Sports World on the front. Owning well-known sports brands enabled Ashley to undercut his rivals on leading sports brands. His business ingenuity is what Newcastle needs to help break into the top four.

The first important thing to state is that Ashley is not short of cash. If he is able to complete a full takeover of Newcastle United he will have the funds to spend big. While there has been much clamouring amongst Newcastle fans for a Geordie Abramovich, this is missing the point. Whilst Abramovich’s millions have helped to transform Chelsea, Chelsea have made a lot of bad investment decisions, signing too many ‘wrong’ players and often paying disproportionately high transfer fees. Although I would like to see a substantial investment in the transfer market, I would also like to see a greater investment in the club’s academy infrastructure so that more homegrown players are able to come through the ranks. Furthermore I would like to see the ‘internationalisation’ of NUFC.

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Derby’s Giles Barnes Favours Arsenal, Not Tottenham

Despite being a long time Tottenham target, Giles Barnes has come out quite happily with the words that all Spurs supporters just love to hear,

“I want to play in the Premiership, just like any other player, but now I can play at the highest level with Derby.

“And anyway, I have three years left to go on my contract.

“Tom Huddlestone and I were in digs together when we were in the academy and we still talk now and again on the phone.

“But it was Arsenal, and not Tottenham, who were my favourite club when I was growing up and so I am looking forward to the chance of playing for Derby at the Emirates Stadium.”

Barnes was influential in Derby’s Playoff final win over West Brom and even though he’s looking to stay at the “Rams”, we’re guessing this bit of Gooner love will put off Spurs supporters from wanting him at the club anyway.

Unless they sign him, in which case they’ll be delighted.

But if they don’t, then he’s Gooner scum.

Or if they sign him and he ever plays badly, then he’s Gooner scum again.

Why Is International Football So Rubbish?

Football FanCast’s Michael Adams says what we’ve all been thinking about what we’re forced to watch in lieu of the Premiership.

I heard an interview with Arsene Wenger a while ago where he was asked if he would ever consider managing at international level. This was around a time when the English FA were stumbling from one PR disaster to the next looking for the man to recharge the performance and fortunes of the English national game following the announcement Sven would be leaving the post in the Summer of 2006.

Wenger’s response was predictably played with a straight bat; his focus is on Arsenal, he likes the day to day contact with player’s blah blah. However he made one comment that struck me as a real light bulb moment…. international football just isn’t very good. “Ridiculous” I hear you cry! The best talent whole countries have to offer pitting their collective skills against each other; surely this is the pinnacle of modern day football.

Well I’m not so sure. Let’s think about this on a pure entertainment basis, when was the last really good game of international football anyone watched?

England v Israel? (Er nope). Republic v Faroes? (Definitely not). Switzerland V Ukraine? (Please god make it stop!).

For me the world cup in the summer of 2006 was a procession of mediocre football matches occasionally settled by the odd goal or penalty shoot out. Even the final game, the showpiece match of the world’s biggest competition was completely forgettable. Only Zinadine’s desire to be remembered as the greatest happy slapper to walk the planet gave us all something to talk about afterwards. If you need further evidence as to the type of football matches we endured that summer let me remind you that an Italian defender was probably the player of the tournament, I think that tells us everything.

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What’s Wrong With Manchester City?

We’re not afraid of admitting defeat and, without a CaughtOffside Manchester City staff writer, we’re just saying we need a little help.

The club has long been the hideous sister of Manchester United, clinging instead for dear life to its supposed title of Manchester’s “true” Premiership representative. The Everton to Liverpool, the Tottenham to Arsenal - yet Everton and Tottenham have still managed to do themselves proud every now and then while City has wallowed in mediocrity. City’s very big, very lovely stadium and good base of supporters suggests they should have the money and success far beyond what they’ve achieved the past billion years or so. It’s all very confusing.

That said, it seems the club will be taken over any day now and names like Sven Goran Eriksson and Claudio Ranieri are being thrown about to replace Stuart “My Managerial Strategy Relies On A Stuffed Horse” Pearce. Good times seem to be on the horizon and we want to jump in before all the plastics arrive.

So we’re asking for articles from you, the readers, explaining what seems to have gone wrong at Manchester City in recent times and what is needed to fix it. You can either stick it in a word document or in the body of an email to editor[at]caughtoffside[dot]com. Or dump your thoughts in the comments if you’re too lazy.

Who Should Be Newcastle’s First New Signings?

Fixing Newcastle’s squad will be no small feat, but not as bad as many think. It’s a completely different side if you take into account the players who are permanently injured, such as Kieron Dyer, Damien Duff and Michael Owen. It remains to be seen whether Sam proceeds with these players in mind or assume they’ll be off or unreliable - we’re leaning towards the former considering Allardyce’s reliance on fit, strong players. The club actually have more talent up front and in midfield than most Premiership sides - what’s missing is solidity, consistency, and anyone who resembles a defender.

With silly season well underway in terms of transfer rumours, Big Sam has resumed normal business by putting his affairs out in public for all to see,

“We’ve already had lots of meetings and talked about future plans for new players here,” Allardyce told the Newcastle Evening Chronicle.

“Those talks are continuing, and we are close to making a breakthrough in the not-too-distant future.”

So with the first few players on the way to St. James’ Park there are plenty of names being bandied about - Derek Boateng, Bolton’s Tal Ben Haim, Manchester City’s Joey Barton, West Brom’s Curtis Davies.

But are these the right players to be pursuing? Worthy of a supposed Big Club with a Big Budget? Has Sam got it wrong already, who should be Newcastle’s first couple of new names?

Which Two For Liverpool: Michael Owen, Peter Crouch, or Craig Bellamy?

Even though Peter Crouch reckons he’s got a lovely future ahead of him at Anfield (and we do believe Benitez values his height as an important piece in the chess matches that are Liverpool games), Craig Bellamy seems likely to bugger off to someone like Aston Villa, while Michael Owen hasn’t yet said he wants to leave Newcastle to return to his chums, we thought it a good time to ponder who would best serve the club.

So, if you could have just two of the three, which would it be?

Owen would provide a emotional return, although not nearly with as much affection as Robbie Fowler considering the way he left in the first place. It’s completely uncertain whether he’s capable of playing more than 1 match in a row without shattering some part of his body but, while his pace has been ravaged by injury, he’s still shown plenty of ability to be in the right place at the right time in the box. He’d be cheap, assuming that alleged 9 million out clause exists. Or, incredibly expensive, if he breaks his entire body on his debut.

Crouch’s value is obvious to a tactical fanatic like Benitez. The option to start or bring on some sort of footballing giraffe to unsettle the opposition is too valuable to sell on. He’s also scored goals at a good clip whenever he’s been able to get on the pitch, and only Dirk Kuyt’s Forrest Gump-like approach to running is seen as more useful for the team.

Bellamy is the wild card, for Benitez he is one of the few players in the squad with true pace and who knows how to use it (thus, removing Mark Gonzalez from the equation). He’s always dangerous when he plays and, like Crouch, forces the team he’s facing to reconsider how they defend unless they want to see his troll-like face and shoulders surging past them into the channels at every opportunity. But Bellers has had a couple injuries, and maybe not played the sort of team football Benitez was looking for. Beating John Arne Riise about the face with a golf club and then setting his ginger hair on fire probably didn’t help either (allegedly).

If we were to decide, we’d keep Crouch and Bellers. Michael Owen’s time has come and gone, the mind is willing but the body is soft and fragile, and any club asking him to deliver the Champions League and Premiership glory to their doorstep is taking one hell of a gamble.

Liverpool Sign Teenage Dynamic Duo

While all the talk around Anfield is how much Rafa Benitez will be spending on big names thanks to his American buddies, the Spaniard has been quietly going about his business of building a strong foundation of talented youngsters at the club. Something that he moaned about a few months ago after his side got the thrashing of a lifetime at the hands of Arsenal’s young talent.

Since then, Benitez has been on a bender snapping up as many youngsters that no one has ever heard of as possible. His latest capture being a pair of U-19 Hungarian stars, Krisztian Nemeth and Andras Simon.

It will be interesting to see whether any of these young lads actually end up playing for the first team regularly, or if Liverpool do a Chelsea and plump for a squad of 22 experienced heads instead - thus ruining things for everyone.

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