Only days away from the big kick-off!
I’ve been thinking really hard about my first caughtoffside post. I wanted to weigh in with something heavy, weighing up the big moves if the summer and coming up with some insightful opinions on who were the big winners in the transfer, who will be the champions and who will be playing Championship football in 2010/2011. I can’t wait for the new football season but, even with a summer of new money, player transfers and contract extensions, the Premiership is still going to be as predictable as serial killers leaving a calling-card. The title could be decided by flipping a three sided coin with Chelsea on one side, Man-Yoo on another and Liverpool on the other. Two of the promoted teams will go down, joined by a mismanaged Premiership club. One team will threaten to break the big four and ultimately fall short.
In order to build some excitement, and give us more to enjoy than just the best football league in the world, I’m going to give a list of borderline-miraculous things that I want to see happen, but will probably leave me wanting.
1. After an away draw in February, Alex Ferguson’s nose will glow so red that it spontaneously combusts, setting the interviewers microphone ablaze and forcing Sky to rule that Sir Alex gives all future interviews from inside a 1900’s diving helmet.
2. Peter Kenyon exploding with rage after the latest John Terry’s “I’ve always been 100% committed to Chelsea” routine: “WHY DID YOU WAIT FOR MONTHS TO TALK ABOUT A CONTRACT EXTENSION?! YOU WERE HAPPY TO LET YOUR AGENT TALK WITH MANCHESTER CITY, FORCING UP YOUR PRICE BEFORE EVEN SITTING DOWN AT THE TABLE WITH US. THEN YOU TELL EVERYONE YOU WERE COMMITTED TO CHELSEA KNOWING WE CAN’T SAY ANYTHING AS IT WOULD LET YOU TAKE THE MONEY FROM MANCHESTER CITY WITHOUT RUINING YOUR CHELSEA LEGACY!!” before he passes out on the floor.
3. Wolves beating all of the Big Four, home and away, but still getting relegated. This would lead to my friend James (a die-hard Wolves fan) arguing that Wolves are the best team in the long history of the universe, they should be invited into the Champions league and it was the losses that were the flukes.
4. Michael Owen’s knees surviving until October without exploding or tearing to shreds. (I think United are one, proven, goalscorer short this year- think Liverpool circa last season)
5. My tight-fisted borough council approving a communal sky dish for my flat so I don’t have to take a notebook and pen to the pub when I want to write about football..
6. Cristiano Ronaldo collapsing in his first game for Madrid, then the doctors ruling that he suffocated because his own hair grease seeped into his pores. Like the woman that was painted to death in Goldfinger.
7. Mark Hughes deflecting stories that none of his new superstars are talking to each other due to a training ground argument over which club they are currently playing for and why they should care if they earn £150k a week.
8. Arsenal fans will stop going on and on about the quality of football their team plays and realize it doesn’t matter that you are the prettiest girl at the party if you can’t get anyone to take you home. (Or the ‘You aren’t a great team if you don’t have the medals’ rule)
9. Come on borough council … It’s just a sky dish, it adds value to the house, please … Don’t make me beg … Please …
10. Wayne Rooney becomes the angry, scouse Pelé over the course of the season and then single handedly wins the World Cup for England.
Now, that would be unpredictable!