We know that a great many of you will be keen on not missing a kick but unfortunately some of you may find yourself having to work whilst the World Cup is on, but how about this nice and easy DIY email system that helps you get out of work, without (hopefully) being sacked.
So here is how it works. If you find that you simply can not afford to miss a big match and you think you can swing it by avoiding work without it being patently obvious you are in fact ‘fibbing’ then here are a set of World Cup excuses you can happily include into emails to your work. Clearly any illness related problems should be built up the day before, you know the way, by stating very loudly to anyone in earshot “Oh, I am not very well at the moment, but I’ll soldier on”, thus helpfully creating an avenue for the inevitable excuse giving.
So the email will obviously start with the usual brief introductory paragraph and then all you do is slip in the relevant reason for your work absence below. Easy as pie. We hasten to add that any loss of income resulting as a result of you ACTUALLY using these is purely down to your own stupidity as this is clearly an attempt (successful or otherwise) at humour. OK, so away we go.
“Tummy Bug” (Not likely to score highly on originality points but is at the same time an old favourite)
“Wife/Husband/Child Tummy Bug” (Helpfully puts the onus of responsibility on someone else and makes you look like a saint)
“My Doctor Say’s I Have to Take Some Time Off Work, Been Working Too Hard Lately” (This one requires the help of some sort of medical professional, otherwise you could of course just be making this stuff up!)
“I Spent Three Hours Trying to Get To Work but Then Gave Up and Went Back Home” (A personal favourite of mine again its best if you double check online certain routes, find the ones that have the most disruption and then orchestrate a reason why you would happen to be in that particular area. This is a complex excuse to use and one you do your research on before attempting to operate.
“I’ve been locked in my house, I can’t get out until the Locksmith arrives, should be here by close of play on the 11th of July” (Brave excuse that may require photographic evidence and some sort of basic survival kit (tins of food etc…) to pull off.
“Feeling A Little Under the Weather, So Will Work From Home” (An old classic but one that could seriously back fire. You may find that you DO actually have to work from home and it could be at the very inopportune hours when a game is on.)
“On the Way to Work I saw a Sick Kitten On the Side of the road, I rescued it, cared for it and after exactly a month in my care I feel it is safe to be released into the real world so am traveling to Dorset to set it free” (You will probably have to get hold of a kitten from a local cat shelter, but that seems like an upside to us, then periodically take pics of the cute animal and send them off to everyone at work. Perhaps pose with it whilst holding a thermometer for maximum cuteness factor. Keeping the cat after the World Cup is an added bonus. This trick can not be successfully replicated every four years and will not work so well with a Slug.)
“I’ve Decided to Take the Next Month Off Work, If You Value My Services You will Accept this Decision and Welcome Be Back With Open Arms!” (Risky as hell and should only be attempted if you feel you are indispensable at work. I.e That no other human being on earth could be brought in to take over your daily list of tasks)
“It’s Honduras Vs Chile and you expect me to be able to come to work?” (Cocky yet potentially insane excuse that may well get you off work for good)
“Look its the World Cup for heavens sake. It happens every four damn YEARS. You know I work well and without fuss for the whole of my working life, please let me have these coming days off in lieu of my usual sterling efforts!” (Scores high on honesty but may well be doomed to failure.
So there you have it. A definitive list. What excuses do you have planned, obviously do not reveal your identity as you could find yourself in some bother. Instead use an alias, aliases are fun.