COS contributor Dom Campbell compiles a list of things he doesn’t wish to hear between June 11th and July 11th.
One) WhhhoooooooooooOOOooooOOoOOooooo! – That is of course, the sound that them silly vuvezula’s make. I don’t actually mind, but the amount of complaints that came through after the African cup of nations was incredible.
I wouldn’t be surprised to see Jamie Redknapp in the crowd wheezing down one of those horns. He does, after all, like to blow his own trumpet.
Two) Two world cups and one world war. – Why on Earth do the people singing that song imagine the Germans care about England as a rival? Were I a German, I’d return a chorus of “we’ll care when you’re Dutch.” There hasn’t been a more one-sided rivalry since I was drunk and argued with the mirror.
What the hell has a world war got to do with football anyway? There are no weapons, no casualties, and no bombs; well, unless you count Wayne Rooney’s fiery temper. Or Emile Heskey’s goal tally.
Three) 1966 – I do not wish to hear any of the following. ‘This could be our year’ – ‘England look like they could really go the distance’ – ‘I remember back in 66’ – ‘Not since 1966…’ In fact, any reference to the term 1966 should be banned, the punishment being a lifetime of watching John Barnes Soccer Night repeats.
Four) ‘That’s a horror tackle. This injury could really damage Liverpool’s challenge for next season.’
No injuries, please!
Five) ‘There has been a mass power outage and [your country] will be without electricity for 6 weeks.
If that was ever the case, I am plugging my TV into Alex Fergusons nostrils as I have no doubt that the radiation it emits could power a whole country for at least 12 weeks. Or just have him yell into a bag. I’ve got an ethanol electric generator in the garage.
Six) “I hope you don’t mind darling, but I told Mum she was welcome to come and stay for a week or two.”
Luckily, the local pet store should sell bird cages big enough to house a person. That way, you can put newspaper on the floor, water in a bowl and stick a banana through the bars. This will ensure your mother in law has all she needs while you watch the football. Human rights will probably have something to say about it, but worth a try.
Seven) “Due to contamination issues, all Strong Continental Lager is being recalled for six weeks for health and safety reasons.”
Love beer or hate it, the world cup just wouldnt be the same without it. Could you imagine trying to watch a football match with a glass of wine in your hand?
Eight) And now, to conduct the opening ceremony, please give it up for Cheryl Cole and The Cheeky Girls.
The only thing worse than either one of these artists, is both of them.
Nine) ‘He has a good touch for a big lad’ . I cannot express how annoying this statement is. He is a professional footballer, of course he has a good touch.
You wouldnt watch a cookery program and say, “Oh, he cooks well for someone with a small kitchen”.
Ten) “We’re now crossing over to pitchside where Andy Gray is waiting to give us his opinion”
Nobody cares for your opinion and even if they did, we already know how you feel about putting people on the posts for corners.
And one more…
Every Liverpool fans nightmare! – The Sun has today launched a new television channel to celebrate their purchase of all rights to the world cup. All live games can only be found on channel 666, while all articles and live streams can only be found online.
Id rather just not watch football to be honest.
You can read more from Dom at the excellent Kop End Blog by CLICKING HERE