The Offside View has somehow managed to get hold of a time machine, here’s what happened!
I have just returned from the future, just 4 weeks ahead but it was very interesting.
Not for me any silly things like getting the lottery numbers, oh no. I decided to find out what was happening with the Fabregas saga.
Fabregas is still an Arsenal player but Barca’s tactics to prise him away are getting evermore ludicrous. These are all genuine stories I got from the Spanish paper Marca. You may be shocked, sit tight.
Barca have a friendly next week and during it they score a wonder goal. On celebrating they rip their shirts off to show T-Shirts with the slogan ‘CESC LIBRE’. This translates to ‘FREE CESC’.
Iniesta’s wife gives birth to a baby, who is immediately named Francesc. The little girl’s mother is distraught.
The Barca squad release a record ahead of the new season. It’s an adaptation of the song entitled ‘The Best Around’ which was made famous again by James Corden singing it to Wayne Rooney before the World Cup, the chorus is:
You’re the best, You’re Cesc
Nothing’s gonna stop you coming home
You’re the best, You’re Cesc
We’re doing all we can and we’ll get you home
In what appears to be a desperate twist, Carlos Puyol shaves off his locks and has the words to the chorus tattooed in Catalan across his scalp.
Dani Alves goes on hunger strike until Fabregas is signed, Guardiola delays talks with Arsenal for a week.
Having been inspired by the UK pub staff who all changed their names to Wayne Rooney for the World Cup, the entirety of Barca’s youth players change their names in protest to Francesc Fabregas until their hero is allowed home
Paul The Octopus ™, relocated from Germany to Spain, is asked the big question of the moment. Should Cesc sign for Barca or stay with Arsenal. Paul The Octopus™ picks the Arsenal box and is swiftly Carpaccio’d and served up to fans in the Catalan capital.
Barca Chairman Sandro Rosell is seen outside a soup kitchen, when questioned he tells reporters that Barca just don’t have the money many think they do which is why they can’t pay over the odds for Fabregas. The next day television schedules all over Spain are suspended for an emergency programme. CESCATHON ™© aims to raise £30 million to add to the £30 million Barca are prepared to pay.
Viewers are softened up with rolling images of Cesc, being kicked in Premier League games, across the bottom of the screen. Ignacio Cazades of Salou pledges his life savings ‘I just couldn’t sleep if I knew I did nothing to ease his suffering. He’s been so happy recently and we can’t send him back to that place.’ Unfortunately for CESCATHON ™©, Ignacio was a modest sardine fisherman and his savings amounted to €274.43.
Barcelona allocate a squad shirt to Fabregas, he is given the number 27. A spokesman explains ‘Cesc is already with us in his heart so we wanted to allow fans to show their support by being able to purchase a shirt with his name on the back, all proceeds going to CESCATHON ™©. At Barca we are great admirers of Nelson Mandela and he was kept away from his home for 27 years, and we’ve allocated that number to highlight what is actually happening here. Cesc is being kept from those who love him.’
So, Arsenal supporters are in for a rough ride and the rest of us have got an entertaining saga to keep up with.