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The Offside View somehow got their mitts on the recording of a desperate attempt by the soon to be former Anfield owner to keep his grubby paws on Liverpool Football Club.
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Hicks and Gillett are seemingly making one last effort to keep Liverpool FC. In a last desperate throw of the dice, Hicks called Ocean Finance yesterday and a transcript of the call has been leaked.
Ocean: Hello Ocean Finance, we’re the lender who will always lend, how can we help today?
Hicks: Hi, my name is Tom Hicks and I’m looking to consolidate my debts and raise extra finance.
Ocean: Well you’ve certainly come to the right place.
Hicks: That sounds great, well I’m looking for a loan in the region of 300 million pounds and need it quickly. I heard if you agree a loan then it’s in your bank the next working day, is that right?
Ocean: Erm, yes Mr Hicks but that’s a very large amount. What is the loan for?
Hicks: I have a business in Liverpool and need to pay off some bank debts. It’s a soccer franchise, the world’s greatest soccer franchise.
Ocean: Ok and how does your business make money, what are your income streams?
Hicks: We make money when our customers come to watch the games we play. We sell them seats in our stadium and we’re the greatest supported soccer franchise in the world. We have a waiting list of people who want to come and watch the games.
Ocean: Fantastic, so you sell out your seats for every game you play?
Hicks: Erm, well we’ve been hit by the recession and games on Thursday nights when there’s a lot on in Liverpool apparently. Our customer base is very loyal to us, they wave banners with my name on at every game and shout chants about me. I can’t work out what they say because of these regional accents they have but it’s encouraging.
Ocean: Oh, well what about any other income streams. How else does a soccer franchise make money?
Hicks: A franchise get’s bonuses each time it wins a trophy. We get the biggest bonuses when we expand into Europe and also bonuses when we come top of the pile of UK franchises. We’re the most successful team at this in the UK.
Ocean: Great, we may be on to something here. How many of these bonuses have you collected in the last 3 years?
Hicks: Erm, none but we have won an awful lot in the past and it’s only a matter of time. We’ve changed our manager and got some new high performing employees so this year could absolutely be our year.
Ocean: Ok, that sounds optimistic. How are your new employees doing so far this year?
Hicks: We got a brilliant young offensive star called Joey Cole. He is one of the best and every other franchise wanted him, he scores goals and makes assists aplenty. We had to pay £80,000 a week to get him but he’ll pay that back by helping us win the trophy bonuses.
Ocean: Ok, it’s always good to have the best employees. How many of these goals and assists has this gentleman made for you so far?
Hicks: It appears he hasn’t made any yet but it’s only a matter of time. He’s one of the best players in the world, our chief employee Mr Gerrard said he is.
Ocean: Can you tell me what security you can offer for a loan. What are your major assets?
Hicks: Well, we have a young man called Fernando Torres who is worth 70 million pounds. He is the world’s greatest offensive star and scores more goals than anyone.
Ocean: That’s impressive. I take it he was top scorer in your franchise league last year and is getting the goals for you this year?
Hicks: Well last year was difficult as players like Darren Bent had fantastic years but Fernando has so far scored a goal against West Brom who are a top level franchise.
Ocean: I’m going to have to speak to my superior Mr Hicks. I have your details and don’t feel you need to contact us, we’ll contact you.