Tottenham Hotspur chairman Daniel Levy plans to sell Dele Alli to Real Madrid as part of a scheme to fund a pioneering project at the club’s new stadium.
Spurs announced late last year that their rebuilt North London home would feature an onsite brewery, cheese room and glass tunnel.
And now Levy has unveiled another pioneering proposal, which should attract more children to the New White Hart Lane, while also killing football slowly and painfully.
Levy told AF: “Our aim is to attract as many rich hipsters to Tottenham as possible.
“We feel that other football clubs are missing a trick by only catering for people who actually like football. But Tottenham Hotspur will welcome all sorts of rich posers, especially those who pretend to enjoy US sport.
“Our market research has confirmed that these people love cheese and artisan beer, but sadly their appetite to watch footballers tying their shoelaces doesn’t seem to be as strong as we had originally hoped.
“Therefore, the player’s tunnel will be moved to the southeast corner of the new ground, with the glass viewing area transforming into an aquarium.”
As well as becoming the first football and NFL stadium in London to host four different types of starfish, the new complex will feature a dry-land petting zoo to attract children.
There will be llamas, camels and castrated carabao, subject to international clearance.
The cost of installing the aquarium and petting zoo is estimated to be close to £60m – roughly what Spurs can expect to make from selling England international Alli.
Levy had originally planned to sell Harry Kane to secure the required funds, but recently changed his mind and decided to cash-in on Real’s interest in Alli instead.
“Harry’s injury problems have lowered his market value slightly,” Levy explained.
“Dele will get us more money but, also, Harry likes having his ears scratched and can therefore be an asset off the pitch, as well as on it.”
Levy added that Kane has a “tickle spot” just under his ribcage, which causes an adorable leg reflex when rubbed correctly.
“Kids will love it,” said the Spurs chairman.
“Allowing young fans to physically stroke their idol is surely the best way to maintain White Hart Lane’s famous closeness between fans and players.”