Ed Bottomley brings us his opinions on Everton’s peaks and troughs.

Evertonians must like tension, the years we spent on the razor’s edge of relegation, years of fraught nerves and throttled match-day programmes, weren’t able to be healed by warm coddled midtable safety for long; now we have a different set of reasons to grab every point that we can get. Whereas in the past we would breathe a long sigh of relief at the season’s end – at the dodgy offside goal we scored (and the ref didn’t notice) – now we count the points struck off our potential points tally by officials in need of dark glasses and white sticks. A point here, a disallowed goal there, it all counts, and it all makes a huge difference. Like the princess who had umpteen mattresses between her and a pea, a minuscule refereeing mistake can have gargantuan consequences.
Pierluigi Collina’s heartbreaking and unfathomable decision to disallow Duncan Ferguson’s equaliser against Villarreal that stopped us cold at the Champions League qualifier stage still haunts me. This season, however, the gaffes could stop Everton from even getting to that stage. I have to wonder if the FA charge against David Moyes for his post-derby Clattenburg comments (“Didn’t Clattenburg go to Hong Kong with Liverpool for the Asia Cup this summer? Maybe he wants to be their friend.”) was recently dropped because the FA feared where this investigation would focus. The Merseyside derby result hangs on my back like a black dog, as do the two points dropped against Blackburn at the weekend, when James Vaughan and AJ combined wonderfully, but were denied cruelly by the linesman.
To borrow and bend the Bard: As flies to wanton boys are we to the referees; they cheat us for their sport.
As it is, Everton are in fourth spot but remain uncomfortably close to the chasing pack. If certain results had gone the way the laws of the game intended and myopic refs hadn’t missed legit goals we would surely be more securely ensconced in fourth place.
Despite a video dossier to the contrary, the knee-jerk reaction of most refs to the sight of AJ taking a tumble is to treat it as a dive, such is his reputation. AJ is forced to chase long balls and lost causes, evade defenders, sidestep his reputation as a diver, stay on his feet despite being fouled, and then score; a thankless task.
The fact that Everton haven’t been awarded a single penalty in the Premier League this season speaks volumes. Add to that the several penalties we have been awarded by continental referees in the UEFA cup games we played this season, and you wonder if there is a congenital British eye defect inbred amongst referees and linesmen.
Looking back at Everton’s miraculous 3-2 win against pugnacious bruisers Wimbledon back in 1994 – coming back from 2-0 down to win 3-2 in truly miraculous circumstances. I always suspected a Faustian pact secured this win, are we paying for that luck now?

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Last week Ed got an improved 7/10 results correct, this week he aims to get back on track and trot out the usual mindless drivel..

Saturday, 15 December 2007

Barclays Premier League

Birmingham 1-1 Reading – Reading will be up for this and I like Ingimarsson and Bikey but Birmingham should be good for at least a point seeing as they’re at home and all that jazz.

Derby 1-0 Middlesbrough – Derby will have a good chance to get three points here – forget all this Boro beat Arsenal guff – Either yesterday’s curry is writhing around my tum or it is my footballing gut instinct kicking in.

Fulham 0-2 Newcastle – The press will have us believe that Newcastle are the worst thing since 1930′s European Dictators, but I know different.

Man City 1-2 Bolton – I’m going for yet another away win here, I think that Man City flatter to deceive and I like Megson and his pugnacious wrecking crew of a team.

Portsmouth 2-0 Tottenham – Portsmouth’s obscenely good attack against Tottenham’s porous defence, I’d be a madman to predict anything but 2-0.

Sunderland 1-0 Aston Villa – A good three points for Keane’s men. Why? They hit rock bottom against Everton and improved against Chelsea, and they are home which will be another boost.

West Ham 1-1 Everton – This is going to be an interesting one, having just played each other midweek both managers will be able to insert their tactical observations into this game, and Curbs will be looking to avenge Yakubu’s late winner.

Wigan 0-2 Blackburn – Derby get all the press, but I think Wigan are actually the worst team in the league – especially with Steve Bruce at the helm.

Sunday, 16 December 2007

Barclays Premier League

Arsenal 1-0 Chelsea – A big, nay massive win for Arsenal, who will get back to their best.

Liverpool 1-2 Man Utd – Another away win and a huge one for United, propelling them and Arsenal away from Chelsea and Liverpool.

Everton striker and former most expensive player, Andy Johnson has admitted that the reason he signed a new contract was the brand spanking new training locale at Finch Farm. The futuristic state of the art training complex, which at £14m is even more expensive than AJ’s strike partner Yakubu.

Old careworn training ground Bellefield was jettisoned on October 9th, and the change is so dramatic that Andy Johnson signed a new contract on the back of it!
Johnson said: “The club is going in the right direction. The players we have brought in go to show that and Finch Farm is a fantastic place.It is a top, top place and a great place to work and that is the reason I put pen-to-paper.”

Finally a decent place to train for the Everton lads, but were things that bad and third-world at Bellefield that players are so jubilant with the new place that they are rushing to sign new contracts?

Like a pack of post-apocalyptic feral street hounds, the papers are charging over here with lots of rabid transfer froth dripping from their jowls.

A one on one fight is on the cards for Djibril Cisse – On one side we have Sven’s Manchester City and on the other Alan Curbishley’s West Ham – and for some reason (which we haven’t figured out yet) the French superstar with the fashion sense of a demented chameleon is available for a pittance – a mere £5million should be enough to snag the bizarrely coiffed striker.(Daily Mirror)

…And Sven has flown to Bangkok, Thailand for a bit of fun! The Manchester City kingpin is after Thai international full-back Suree Sukha. (The Telegraph)

LA Galaxy owners have put their collective feet down over David Beckham, and any cheeky bids to bag Becks on loan will be treated will utter disgust – one owner even had the temerity to call David Beckham “our property”. (The Sun)

…Whilst Norwich, who had set their sights a little lower than England’s saviour David Beckham, have been rebuffed bu Big Sam in their lusty desires to bring Shola Ameobi to East Anglia on loan. (Various)

Arsenal’s Jens Lehmann, so desperate for the sweet sweet feeling of diving about between a couple of sticks, is reportedly ready to jettison Arsenal and will even consider scampering off to a German second tier side; all in the name of keeping his place in the German Euro 2008 team. (The Sun)

Liverpool‘s ginger Norwegian John Arne Riise has set off a fire extinguisher aimed at the lapping flames of the “Riise wants to leg it to Villa!” rumours. (Various)

Anyone for 23-year-old French striker and goal machine Gillaume Hoarau? Chelsea seem to be the first to express an interest, their hand shooting up like the classroom suck up during a Maths quiz. (Various)

…Whilst Avram Grant has claimed that Didier Drogba couldn’t be happier with life at Chelsea if they changed their name to Marseilles and moved en masse to the South of France.(Various)

Billy Davies’ threat of ‘just you lot wait until January when we bring in a truckload of superstars’ appears to be a figment of his imagination. Apparently the Derby County bigwigs will only sanction a Derby-sized spending spree if they have a decent chance of actually staying up. (Daily Star)

…And Drogba’s one true love, Jose Mourinho is being sounded out to replace Frank Rijkaard at Barcelona - even though they have a superstar team they haven’t come back from a 1-0 deficit in over a year, something that doesn’t wash with Barca President Joan Laporta. (Daily Mail)

… Paul Jewell has rejected a potential second coming at Wigan, and the poor lambs are now left with two tepid names on their ‘hotlist’, Joe Royle or Gary McAllister. Rather like choosing between a broken leg or a broken arm. (Daily Mirror)

West Bromwich Albion, Derby County and Wigan Athletic are in a three way joust, the prize? £3m-rated Barnsley midfielder Brian Howard. (Guardian)

You heard it here first, well actually second; Middlesbrough‘s Gareth Southgate has leapt on reports that winger Stewart Downing wants to bugger off – Southgate trusts Downing and has reiterated that he doesn’t want a transfer. You got that? Downing does not want a transfer! Anyone after Stewart Downing can look elsewhere. Not a chance. Downing to move? – NOPE! NO! NON! NEIN! (The Independent)

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST….Sheffield Wednesday’s Lenny…(ED: Under No Circumstances Think About Switching His Initials Around!)…ahem…Kenny Lunt is up for some loan action at Crewe. (Daily Star)

Read more Liverpool transfer rumours on the Liverpool section.

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Each week we’ll be picking some nominess for Idiot Of The Week. Maybe they fell over some training cones, maybe they were photographed with vegetable in their bottom or maybe they’re just your team’s crappest footballer. Whatever the reason, here are our picks and we want to hear yours in the comments.

Idiot A – Wayne Rooney, for falling over some training apparatus, doing his ankle in, and leaving Steve McClaren without his goalscoring prowess – and Wayne was on an absolute roll too, scoring 9 in his last 9. It’s not the injury we have a problem with, just the manner of his injury – one to rival Richard Wright falling on a sign during a pre-match warm up. And if there is one thing that Wayne doesn’t want to do it is ape Richard Wright.

Idiot B – Steve McClaren – for falling to his hands and knees and pleading for his job, exclaiming to the FA Big Wigs – “‘I want to go on. I love this job.” – Eurgh. Pass the sick bag. Do you have no self respect McClaren!?! For God’s sake man…stop blubbering and pull yourself together…Go out with some dignity in tact please! Come on Macca, me old Mucker – sort it out!

Idiot C – Joey Barton – this man is the duracell bunny of all mentalists, he takes any opportunity to make himself look like even more of a psycho in both hands and runs with it like Carl Lewis. This weeks spot of mentalism happened in the Sunderland-Newcastle derby when on half time, instead of traipsing in to get some oranges or a fancy massage – he decided to lunge mid-air for Dickson Etuhu’s crown jewels, and then act as if he was the one who had just been assaulted. Joey, we salute you for your commitment to being an idiot of the week.

So let us know your pick or suggest a new Idiot in the comments.

Edward’s predictions stink, but he’ll soldier on.

My predictions are consistently as rotten as an old sailors barnacled arse, but I will valiantly fight on.

Saturday, 10 November 2007

Derby 0-1 West Ham – Blood Derby, I have backed them to the hilt, and the Rams always let me down. Even though the Hammers are crippled with injuries I’m going to go for a West Ham win, safe in the knowledge that the Ram’s will probably get three points.

Liverpool 2-1 Fulham – Fulham could be in the top 3 if games ony lasted 45 minutes, and Liverpool would be the greatest team in the world if they played disinterested Turks at home every week. What these teams will make of each other is another matter, but I think Liverpool should win easily at Anfield, with Fulham going 1-0 up before half time obviously.

Sunderland 2-0 Newcastle – Derby games are always hard to predict, but I think Sunderland can do this one. Newcastle have just got off the back of the dire home loss to Portsmouth and Big Sam, lashing out at the media, is clearly feeling the heat. The Stadium of Light will be a cauldron, and I think Newcastle will wilt, especially with Keane screaming from the bench.

Sunday, 11 November 2007

Birmingham 2-2 Aston Villa – Birmingham are a plucky team at times but I think when they lock horns with Villa they will have to make do with sharing the points. Kapo is on top form, but Villa have some wonderful attacking options.

Bolton 2-0 Middlesbrough – Returning from their glorious 2-2 draw in Munich I think Bolton will be on the crest of a wave, and who better to play than supine Middlesbrough.

Chelsea 3-2 Everton – Everton have won 5 on the spin in all tournaments, but I think a game against attack minded Chelsea will be a bridge too far, I expect quite a few goals though with Yobocop often nodding off and Terry and Cech injured.

Man Utd 2-0 Blackburn – Irrestistable Man Utd will beat Blackburn, who are starting to lose a little bit of their early season spark.

Portsmouth 3-1 Man City – Pompey have had some thrilling victories at late and they should nab all three points against City who don’t like travelling.

Tottenham 1-0 Wigan – Juande is trying to make Spurs a little bit more sensible (just a little bit mind), and I expect a businesslike 1-0 win here.

Monday, 12 November 2007

Reading 0-2 Arsenal – Arsenal shouldn’t have too much of a problem beating Reading, as long as they don’t try and break the World Record for longest string of passes without a shot.

Edward is not very good at this prediction lark.

I have been doing this for three weeks now, and they aren’t getting any better, but here are my predictions!

Saturday, 20 October 2007
Barclays Premier League

Arsenal 2-0 Bolton – Arsenal will be without Van Persie but I still think that Bolton, who in Archie Knox have the biggest loon of a caretaker manager ever, will be easy pickings.

Aston Villa 1-0 Man Utd – I think Man Utd will struggle at Villa Park against a resurgent and well run Villa, and I can see Villa pipping Man Utd by one goal.

Blackburn 1-1 Reading – I fancy Reading to get a draw at Blackburn who don’t have Roque Santa Cruz, and will miss him like a dwarf misses a stepladder.

Everton 3-3 Liverpool – I would love for Everton to smash Liverpool but don’t want to tempt fate (touch wood, touch wood) so I am going for a classic high scoring derby game instead.

Fulham 1-2 Derby – Every week I tip Derby, and they fail to do what I tell them to, so again I am going to mercilessly flog this dead horse and go for a surprise 2-1 away win for Billy Davies’ lads.

Man City 2-0 Birmingham – These days there are two teams worth paying attention to in Manchester, and I can’t see Birminham’s bore-draw water torture tactics working against Sven’s titans.

Middlesbrough 0-1 Chelsea – Puppet Avram to work his magic, secure a 1 nil away victory, and all whilst juggling want-away Drogba and Mr Difficult Andriy Shevchenko, and make no mistake he’ll do it in style…probably with a 4-4-1 formation.

Wigan 2-2 Portsmouth – I am looking for these two giants of the footballing world to rip chunks out of each other and nab two goals apiece.

Sunday, 21 October 2007
West Ham 1-2 Sunderland – I think Sunderland, who were burned at Ashburton Grove, will be able to get a surprise win at West Ham.

Monday, 22 October 2007
Barclays Premier League
Newcastle 3-4 Tottenham – I saw Newcastle a couple of weeks ago and Tottenham, with their potent strikeforce, could cause them some problems. Both sides are shoddy at the back so I’m going for a veritable goal feast.

Edward corrects a long running myth about people with shaved heads and crazy eyes.

As an Evertonian I was ecstatic to have Tommy Gravesen back at Everton, but I also new that his return would bring with it a flood of myopic punditry. I am so tired of people making the brain-dead move of instantly associating a man with a shaved head and the moniker “Mad Dog” with the stereotype of a tough tackling midfielder. Gravesen was a terrible tackler, and he has never been a midfield battler. Gravesen’s attempts at being the enforcer consisted of careering around the pitch following the football like a celebrity stalker on amphetamines.

However, Gravesen does have sublime skills, is a lovely passer of the ball – he has the same type of talent as Zidane (albeit in far less abundance) of being able to send such a perfectly weighted pass that the ball literally stopped at the intended recipients feet. Grav also had the unfortunate problem of occasionally getting carried away and trying to take on the whole team, but instead of progressing towards their goal, he invariably ended up by one of their corner flags. It made me laugh when Real bought him to be their enforcer. Giving Grav the label of a tough tackler in weak journalism.

It is only because of his shaved head and wild eyes that people think he is a pseudo-keano, that and the fact people got him confused with Carsley (and now Johnson too). Even Arteta has more right to the tough-tackling moniker than Grav. The nickname “Blue Arsed Fly” would have suited Grav far better.

Edward expects the unexpected as Everton try to banish some European demons.

One of the most memorable random spoutings of ex-Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld is this priceless nonsensical uttering:

“Reports that say that something hasn’t happened are always interesting to me, because as we know, there are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns — the ones we don’t know we don’t know.”

And yet faced with tonight’s game against Metalist Kharkiv, all this starts to make sense. What I do know about the Ukrainians is sketchy at best and very Rumsfeldian. I know that Metalist finished third in the Ukrainian League last year, behind champions Dynamo Kyiv and just two points behind Shakhtar Donetsk (who currently lie top of the Champions League group D table). I know Everton managed to bungle their home game and miss two penalties against them and that is about it. Oh yeah, they play in yellow with blue trim…I think.

[Read the rest of this entry »]

What price for Cesc? A player with everything on his side, most obviously talent and age? A player who lets his feet do the talking but isn’t too verbose (Robinho), Cesc doesn’t suffer from verbal diarrhea, dribbling too much and succumbing to the stepover every other breath. Neither is Cesc too monosyllabic (Carsley), foisting leaden passes on teammates – No, Fabregas does everything in moderation, it is all is judged perfectly, as if he already knows it is coming — just like Neo from the Matrix.

What price for Cesc? With his Utopian statistics – 7 goals and 7 assists so far this season, in Saturdays game he scored one and made two. He is young, on top form, and has even declared that he is happy at Arsenal.. those of a jealous disposition should look away now… so… look away Tottenham fans.

When asked if he could see himself at Arsenal in ten years, Fabregas said:

“Right now, yes. I feel valued and wanted. I love everything about English football. The pace of the game, the attacking style. I feel like a kid playing in the street.”

What price for Arsenal? Things aren’t only looking rosy for Cesc, but for his club as a whole, today they announced that they are Britain’s richest football club after unleashing figures show their move to the Emirates increased turnover to over £200m. In just over a month Arsenal play Liverpool and Manchester United in the space of a week, after that we will know more about the embryonic title race. However, it is games like Saturday’s romp against Derby which might also reveal Arsenal’s ambition. Last season Arsenal lost only one of their six league meetings with Chelsea, Liverpool and Manchester United, it was lesser teams like Manchester City, Fulham and Sheffield United who beat them as well as succumbing to defeat to West Ham both home and away.

Edward looks into his crytal ball, his murky, murky crystal ball.

So here they are, my meticulously crafted predictions for the games being played this weekend, how many of these will actually be wrong? In all probability the whole lot of them, but I don’t mind. As an Evertonian, embarrassment is the badge of all my tribe, here are a couple of samples for you…This summers declaration on the Official Everton Website that we had signed Riquelme, only to be swiftly taken down minutes later….Ooops! Oh and yesterdays double-penalty miss farce against Metalist Kharkiv… Anyway here are the predictions:

Saturday, 22 September 2007

Arsenal v Derby Arsenal to win 3-0
I think Arsenal should win this comfortably, and I would be utterly mad (or a Rams fan) not to predict a 3-0 win.

Fulham v Man City Fulham to win 2-1
I think Man City are overrated, and whilst Fulham are hardly world-beaters, I sense they may take advantage of City’s inability to score more than once.

[Read the rest of this entry »]

Edward takes a look at some curious decisions Rafa Benitez has been making in order to challenge Manchester United, Arsenal and Chelsea.

Is Rafa completely and utterly losing the plot? Whilst the ugly growth on his chin points to a mid-life crisis, there are lots of other pieces of evidence that this man does not respond well to the tense Premier League cauldron. I have compiled a dossier of my own on this Spaniard with a penchant for complaining.

1.Facial Hair

Big problems there – trying to mask his lack of charisma behind a furry chin ornament is as inadvisable as getting rid of his link to the players, Pako Aysteran.

2.His defensive retorts to Allardyce

Rafa’s defensive retorts to Big Sam’s blustering comments that Rafa wouldn’t be in a job if it hadn’t been for Liverpool’s European form show that Sam hit a nerve with his criticisms..

3.Turning bitter in his old age.

Rafa is getting his excuses in nice and early, registering a “them against us” position after only a handful of games, and compiling a dossier of slights Liverpool have been dealt in the form of fixtures. This comes hot on the heels of Benitez’ claims that he would go to the authorities over the Heinze affair, and more recently he has threatened his ex-assistant manager Pako Ayesteran with legal action if he went to Chelsea or Arsenal.

[Read the rest of this entry »]

Edward hopes for a better European romp than the last time.

When David “Moyesiah” Moyes was supping on Champagne following his teams miraculous Champions League qualification season he couldn’t have possibly envisaged such a painful nausea inducing set of results that awaited his men in Europe.

Rumours crept around that UEFA didn’t want both Liverpool and Everton in the tournament, that the draw was rigged with hot and cold balls, and several people bet their grannies houses on the two Merseyside teams being drawn together in the qualifying round. As it happened the two teams were only a fixture apart, did UEFA gaffe? One look at the team Everton were drawn against, the Spanish “yellow submarine” Villareal, as conspiratorial tongues wagging again. Over two legs we lost to Villareal, an excellent team who went on to be semi-finalists in the Champions League, Riquelme was one of their players too. Oh the irony.

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First it was defender Tal Ben Haim , ‘smirking’ as he trained with his Chelsea team mates, whilst predicting victory for Israel. Now it is Russia coach Gus Hiddink who has gone that little bit further; The Independent is reporting with the headline:

“Russia will deliver killer blow to England hopes, vows Hiddink”

The Independent, not usually prone to this kind of bilious hype – seems to be getting a bit over-excited with some rather pedestrian quotes.

The Dutchman outlined his predictions for the two teams that would qualify, as well as throwing down the gauntlet to England. Hiddink said:

“I think three teams are competing for it [qualification]….I wouldn’t be really any good at my job if I didn’t say Russia was among the two. Croatia are in the lead and they don’t spoil [drop] many points. Everyone has to play everyone and it is still very complicated. From a starting point, every team wants to win. The team that I am in charge of must always go for a win.”

The Independent then claimed that Hiddink left the door open for Chelsea, pending massive Mourinho bust-up, and England, Hiddink said:

” I’m a 60-year-old coach and I don’t know what the future will bring….They [the Russian football federation] want me to stay regardless of results because they feel we are now on the edge of something. I haven’t made up my mind yet.”

International week is SO boring.

Edward wonders if the pigs have gotten it wrong.

In response to Saturday’s article in the Daily Mail about the survey which shows Manchester United, Chelsea and Leeds having rowdy and violent fans, we’ve decided to open it up to COS readers to say what Police Review Magazine won’t.

In analyzing my own experiences, I think I’ve seen some pretty rowdy games. I’ve been lucky enough, to experience some white knuckle-rides at Goodison. Everton were in the relegation mire for most of the 90′s , also won an FA Cup during that time, and now the excitement is mostly at the other end of the table. The most violent experiences of my somewhat coddled fandom occurred when England were playing, which led to vitriolic clashes in my south London home, far away from any football stada, were by far the worst – especially when we played Germany.

So who, in your experience, are the most rowdy, violent fans? Are you going to trot out the usual suspects like Leeds, Millwall, and Chelsea (although what yobs can afford to go to the Bridge these days) , or will you choose some lesser known loon-fans – Doncaster Rovers anyone?

[Read the rest of this entry »]