Lucas

Lucas has seen enough!

So we’re a few games into the season, and because making snap judgments is always the safest, most solid way to look at a situation, I’m going to take a look at who’s surprised us the most, and who has, well, been led by a bald Dutchman into the middle of the table so far. (Can you tell I’m talking about Spurs? I wonder.) Anyway, teams pretty much always end the season in the same position they were in after three games, so this should be a fair look.

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Lucas thinks that England’s problems go far beyond whatever fool happens to be in charge.

After watching England at the Euro U-21 Championships, it’s occurred to me after a long while that England are going to have a pretty tough time on the international stage once the “Golden Generation” as it were, gets older. There were a lot of passionate players, for sure, which you love to see in the face of the senior side’s consistently listless performances. Witness Reading striker Leroy Lita’s “kid with Tourette’s Syndrome goes apeshit in a department store” goal celebration - and you know they’re putting a lot of themselves into the game.

What you don’t see, of course, is a whole lot of skill or technique. These young players, far from picking up some flair and variety of play from the increased number of foreign footballers at Premiership clubs, appear to be most comfortable playing the simple “lump the ball up to the striker and see what happens” type of game. So I’m hoping to weed through the squad and identify, or at least make some vague suggestions, as to who might make an impact beyond the U21s.

So, here’s who could realistically expect to earn a significant amount of caps from the senior squad:

Leighton Baines: One of the more underrated players in the Premiership, he’s finally moved out of the obscurity of Wigan for the, ah, bright lights of Everton. He’s excellent of set pieces, and should be listed as Ashley (TOSSER) Cole’s backup, at the very least. Indeed, if Cole continues to have injury problems (it can’t be easy, trying to balance being a top footballer and having that troublesome vagina of his) I would say that Baines should be penciled in at left-back for the Euro 2008 qualifiers.

Mark Noble: The guy is a goddam pit bull in midfield. This is important for England, as the holding midfielders they currently play are either ineffectual (Michael Carrick) or wildly overrated (Owen Hargreaves.) He could be a decent foil for Steven Gerrard, who likes to roam, or Frank Lampard, who can’t find it within himself to move more than twenty yards at a time.

Matt Derbyshire: The Blackburn youngster isn’t really fast, or technically skilled, but he can poach goals, and I don’t really see that from any of the strikers England have been able to rely on for form and fitness recently. An odd inclusion, maybe, but he’s the type of player who will definitely get better with age and experience.

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Lucas thinks time is running out for Tottenham and England.

I’d like to cover two things here. Firstly, something troubling to me as a Tottenham fan, and secondly, the fact that Sam Allardyce should probably be managing England rather than Newcastle.

At Tottenham we have a shedload of talent, which is great. But if we don’t start picking up silverware, especially if we don’t qualify for the Champions League, that shedload of talent is going to start emptying out pretty quickly. When the vultures that are the big four start circling, what, exactly, can we offer? We won’t pay anywhere near what they can, and if we can’t offer top-level football, I don’t see what incentive the players will have to stay outside of some sort of beautiful, misguided Matt Le Tissier-style loyalty. (Or maybe whatever mental condition Jermaine Defoe has that keeps him at White Hart Lane.)

It’s nice to think that this upturn in fortunes the last two seasons will just continue, and we can afford to be patient in our bid to break up the Big Four. But we simply can’t, the window will shut as quickly as it opened.

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Lucas is upset at having his footballing innocence whittled away to… a very whittled thing.

As I’m writing this I’m eating a big plate of chocolate chip pancakes. Taking an already unhealthy breakfast food and adding chocolate is a uniquely American thing - like the Big Mac, or segregation. Another trait strong in Americans is the tendency to root for the underdog. Liverpool, for a variety of reasons, have always been the people’s team, a less-talented side that wins through the kind of working-class determination that resounds throughout the world. People can identify, for instance, with the exuberance of Steven Gerrard and Jamie Carragher throwing themselves around the pitch for the club they idolised growing up. Mistakes can be overlooked because, well, they tried their best.

Of course, Liverpool have just been purchased by Americans Georges Gillet and Tom Hicks, who honestly don’t know a damn thing about football, except that it makes money. (“Liverpool Reds”, anybody?) This is a sad, sad thing for me. Though I don’t support Liverpool, and indeed support Tottenham Hotspur, who have been rumoured to be on the verge of a buyout for a long time now, it always made me feel just a little bit better about the Premiership to know that there was a top side that wasn’t just a sham for the rich to play with. It’s hardly the first instance, of course, with Chelsea and Manchester United already under ownership from foreign businessmen, but Liverpool were holding out as the history-rich exception to the rule.

The purchase of Fernando Torres amid legions of other imports marks an end to the era in which there was something even remotely resembling a “people’s team” in England’s top flight. Liverpool weren’t my second team but it was nice to see someone with true English values doing well - Stevie and Jamie, Anfield and the Kop. But Rafa has been gradually moving the squad in the direction of the modern hodge podge of foreign talent and it’s clear he intends to take it even further with his newly minted owners.

So who are we supposed to half-heartedly root for in secret? With 34 million pounds spent already this off-season, it can’t be Spurs. With the amount of jackassery surrounding their last six months, it can’t be West Ham. And with Newcastle doing whatever it is Newcastle normally do, it can’t be them either. Everton are probably our best bet, but in picking up the English footballing spirit they’ve also taken on the mediocrity that comes with it.

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Lucas comes to a Liverpool’s hero’s defense, and takes time out to attack everyone else.

Liverpool hero Jamie Carragher is retiring from international football, and that is just a goddam disaster. Carragher isn’t one of the best players on the team- he doesn’t necessarily deserve a starting spot, and in fairness, when Chelsea’s John Terry and Manchester United’s Rio Ferdinand are on their game, there are really very, very few better at central defense. Carragher himself, as has been postulated by many, sort of knocked himself out of regular playing time with his ability as a utility player- he’d never unseat Gary Neville at right back, he’d never get regular playing time in the center of defense. But what he does do, and what Liverpool fans adore him for, is care about his sport, his performance, his club and his country. You don’t see that much in the England squad as many are waking up to the fact that they are indeed a group of overpaid jackasses who show an absolute inability or desire to step up for important games. Or even nonsense games.

This has to do with the coaching, which has been utterly brutal for years. It has to do with the media, who spend the months before every tournament touting England for success without, you know, looking at the string of mediocre results against awful teams. And of course, you’ve got the players themselves, who’ve been coddled and verbally fellated by every footballing personality they’ve come across.

With all this in mind, I’m going to look at the current squad player by player and look not necessarily at skill, but at who really seems to give a shit. Does this change anything? No, not really. Does this prove anything we don’t already know? No, not really. Does it give me a chance to call Frank Lampard a tosser? You’d better believe it does.

Here we go, then:

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Lucas takes a look at the clubs salivating at the mouth after watching Henry wave au revoir to the Emirates.

Arsenal were already closer to fifth than they were to Manchester United or Chelsea the last two years and now they’ve lost Thierry Henry, everyone has that filthy, filthy television lucre, and the transfer season has seen their nearest rival (in all senses of the word, finally) Tottenham throwing cash around left and right. With that in mind, I’m looking top to bottom at who’s got the best chance of breaking the monopoly on the Champions League places.

Tottenham Hotspur: Say it with me now - Gareth Bale, Darren Bent, Younes Kaboul. Kaboul might blow (when he actually signs), Bent might be overpriced, and Bale might be the world’s first footballing ape, but you’ve got to figure they’re an improvement on what we have now. Lee-Young Pyo is an attacking fullback who can’t cross, Jermaine Defoe is a striker who has some kind of depth perception problem, and Anthony Gardner is a defender who is retarded. If Spurs can play legitimate defense through to the midfield, and maybe pick up a left-winger with the money they get from the ostensible sale of Defoe, I really don’t see any reason why they can’t outplay Arsenal to fourth. Come to think of it, if they beat the scum home and away I’d take fifth again.

Aston Villa: They’re flush with cash, and they’re linked with so many players you’d think they’re Spurs. They’ve been all over West Ham for Nigel Reo-Coker, and I’ve heard rumours about Craig Bellamy as well. It would be nice to see Bellamy get kicked out of another major British city, with Newcastle and Liverpool already under his belt. Martin O’Neill, though, might be the kind of manager who could get Reo-Coker to stop bitching and Bellamy to stop assaulting women, so you never know. With Agbonlahor getting another season under his belt, they could certainly be a dangerous team. They aren’t Champions League material yet, but they should certainly expect to make a run at a UEFA Cup spot.

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Lucas takes a quick look at what Spurs have been doing on their holidays.

With the transfer window opening up again, I’m going to look at who Spurs should be bringing in, and who, as before, should just f**k right off. Unlike Liverpool, Tottenham are one of those clubs who have about 9 months of rumours linking them to a player before they sign them, so it’s a little hard to spring any surprises. Let’s see who’s on the menu:

Confirmed In:

Younes Kaboul, Auxerre- The French Under-21 captain, he should at least provide decent cover for Ledley King and Michael Dawson. We appear to have thrown about seven million pounds at Auxerre, so you’ve got to think he’s going to get some playing time. Apparently, though, the Auxerre fans don’t seem to mind very much, which does lead to a little bit of worrying- if we’re looking for a clumsy jackass, we could get Titus Bramble for much less.

Gareth Bale, Southampton- We’d been after him for awhile, finally outbidding Manchester United for the Welsh International left-back. My only question is, how will Spurs fare with Donkey Kong marauding up the left side? Sure, he’s unbelievably strong, but what about his speed? And if somebody fouls him, will he just start throwing barrels around the pitch? I wonder.

Possible In:

Darren Bent, Charlton - He apparently only wants to play for Spurs, which is very convenient as we want him. But the question, I suppose, is whether we want him at Charlton’s asking price. Will we go up to twelve million? I do hope we don’t lowball ourselves out of a quality striker. If he does come, not only could we have two ridiculous strike partnerships- Berbatov and Keane, Defoe and Bent- we would finally have a pure, pure finisher on the roster. On the offensive end, the difference between fifth and fourth, or progress in the cups, was a couple of missed chances.

Morten Gamst Pedersen, Blackburn- We really want him- he doesn’t really want to come. I haven’t seen him play a huge amount, but I’ve liked what I have seen- he’s got a fantastic left foot, and quite frankly even if he had no left foot at all he’d probably be an upgrade to Hossam Ghaly on the left.

Luis Figo - He may think he’s already turned us down but, still. Holy sh*t. Luis Figo? I haven’t been this hard since 2003. Sure, he’s old, and sure, he might want a little bit more per week than we usually pay, but come ON. If the man is good enough to get into the Inter Milan first team if healthy, I’m pretty sure he could play for us.

Possible Out-

Mido- F*CK OFF! F*CK OFF! F*CK OFF! That is all.

Danny Murphy- He was injured for most of the season, and when he did play, he didn’t really… do anything. Just not good enough at this point.
Pascal Chimbonda- Apparently, Chelsea have offered ten million for him. I like him as a player, but do Spurs like him as ten million pounds in their pocket? We’ll see.

In reality, we’ve done well so far and as long as we aren’t relying on anyone called Mido next season our squad is good enough to challenge for that 4th spot.

Lucas looks back on a season where Tottenham amazingly won just as many trophies as they did last year.

Aspirations of reaching the Champions League via the Premiership and winning the UEFA Cup faded away, but for Tottenham Hotspur, a second consecutive top-five finish has to be considered a good thing. Consolidating their position as the top team outside of the big four, Spurs mixed beautiful attacking football with the type of defense that would make even the French laugh on their way through the year. Here I’m going to look at the best and worst of the season in the form of a list, because quite frankly that’s much easier than writing a “creative” or “well thought out” piece.

Without further adieu:

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Lucas looks at what positives the Premiership can take from American sport, in addition to taking American dollars.

One of the biggest problems facing the Premier League, obviously, is the ever-widening financial gap between the “big clubs” and the “small clubs.” With no structure to stop the free-spending of a team like Chelsea, a team like Charlton, say, in a similar location geographically but miles away economically winds up being left alone at the bottom of the table while the big kids run away and hide in the Champions League. The idea, then, is to stop this from happening. And maybe the best way to do it, sadly, is to follow some parts of the American model.

In American sports, parity reigns. In Major League Baseball, the Detroit Tigers, three years removed from finishing with the second worst record in league history, finished as title runners-up, beating the New York Yankees and their $200 million payroll along the way. In the National Football League, the league runner-up has built a tradition of not making the playoffs in the next season, and in the National Basketball Association the New York Knicks, who have spent more money than anyone in basketball, ever, are a league laughingstock.

Contrast this with the Premier League, with four winners since its inception, where a lasagna fiasco denied Tottenham a possible breaking of the stronghold at the top four, and where a club with one of Europe’s best overall records (Liverpool) hasn’t been able to win a f**king thing domestically in nineteen years.

You cannot say that it is alright for the status quo to remain- you can not say that the league is alright, because to me it looks about ten years from falling completely down the abyss. How long can the fans of the “other” sixteen teams take season after season of mediocrity, knowing that any glimmer of real success, from an Everton in 2005 or maybe a Bolton this season, will be inevitably crushed by teams with more spending power than they could ever possibly accrue?

And so, this leads me, admittedly long-windedly, to my point. To survive as anything more than a spectacle, the Premiership needs to take on pieces of the American model. I don’t want franchises, I don’t want teams moving around, and of course I don’t want a ridiculous closed-system league. I’m thinking more along the lines of a basic salary cap (or maybe some limits on player salaries), and some restrictions to create a bit of spending parity.

Not total, thus incredibly boring, parity but something a lot better than what we have now. Arsenal, Manchester United, Chelsea and Liverpool will still be the most competitively appealing teams to play for, but at least money will be a smaller part of the equation.

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New boy Lucas wonders what the point of the Premiership will be when all of the Big Four are backed by foreign billions.

David Dein, one of the crucial figures behind Arsenal’s rise over the last decade, has resigned, reportedly over an issue of the team’s sale. I will say that I really, really hope, for the sake of English football, that Arsenal aren’t about to be totally bought of by an American. First off, that would throw money into the team, which sucks, because, well, it’s Arsenal, and secondly this whole “America buying into the EPL” thing needs to stop. Right now. It is a certainty that with more foreign ownership, with more

These are people who have no knowledge of the game (for instance, Tom Hicks, new co-majority owner of Liverpool, referring to them as a “franchise”, and then as “the Liverpool Reds”,) and are in it solely for profit, which to my mind goes against the whole spirit of the footballing endeavor. Hicks was also, as it happens, one of the major financial backers of both of George Bush’s elections. So that’s the kind of guy who’s involved now.

If Arsenal wind up being sold off to Stan Kroenke, who at this point has about 11% of the shares, that will mean that the entirety of the “Big Four” are foreign-owned, three of them by Americans. And Americans, of course, know shit-all about football.

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