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England Outlook For 2010 And Beyond

Guest written by Nathaniel of Soccer Source.

With Fabio Capello reportedly set to take over the England manager job vacated by Steve McClaren, now is as good a time as any to close two concurrent polls Soccer Source has been running for the past fortnight. The polls asked readers to predict where England will finish in their qualifying group for the 2010 World Cup and enquired if the Three Lions “will win a World Cup or European Championship in your lifetime?”

I originally intended the mini survey to gauge England fans’ moods after their team’s historic collapse against Croatia. But it soon occurred to me that this method was flawed on several levels: there was no way to limit participation to England fans and the “your lifetime” bit was by definition subjective - and potentially self-fulfilling, if particularly distraught fans decided to take their lives into their own hands in the near future (a very real concern, judging by what was portrayed in the country’s media.

Talk about self-fulfilling. How can you not contemplate suicide after a steady diet of that stuff?). More importantly, there was no way to put the results into context, by for example comparing them to the views of other countries’ fans.

As for the results, nearly two-thirds of respondents think England will qualify for the next World Cup. Some 27 percent even believe they will do it by winning the group outright, while 34 percent think England will go through after finishing second and winning the play-off. Twenty-one percent see England finishing second and failing to qualify and only 16% think they will finish third or lower in the group (then again the group is really weak).

Regarding the second question, one-third of respondents (incidentally the same percentage who envision England failing to qualify for South Africa) think England will win a World Cup or European Championships in their lifetime. Again, I don’t know how old these people are or what their life expectancy is but I’m willing to bet this number is lower than it would have been a generation or two ago. On the other hand, it’s not as low as one might expect, especially in light of the team’s recent travails.

Think about it: an individual aged 25 can reasonably expect to live through 20 more such tournaments in his or her lifetime (assuming they live to 65 and both tournaments continue to be held every four years). Since World War II, there have been 15 World Cups and 13 Euro Championships (I’m counting next year’s, which England will not win for obvious reasons).

Twenty eight such tournaments, of which England has won a single one. And it’s not like they were close for the others either, making it to only three other semi-finals (1968, 1990 and 1996). On that basis, I see little reason to be optimistic. Then again, past patterns rarely work as accurate indicators of future results. By that measure, England are in the driver’s seat.

Kaka wins Ballon d’Or, what of Arsenal and Manchester United stars?

Ricardo Izecson dos Santos Leite ,or more formally known as Kaka, has won the World Football Player of the Year. With past winners including the likes of Cannavaro, Ronaldinho and Rivaldo, Kaka was able to beat Manchester United’s Christiano Ronaldo (2nd) and Barcelona’s Lionel Messi (3rd). The 25-year-old received 444 points in a France Football poll of 96 journalists, with Ronaldo collecting 277 points in second place.

In response, Kaka said:
“It has been a sensational year in which I also won the Champions League.

“I thank God for being here and lifting up this award. I must say that this award is the conclusion of a really sensational year.

“I thank my wife, my parents. I also thank Milan, the coach, my team-mates. It’s beautiful being part of such a brilliant side and you can’t win it without them.

“It’s the top prize around and the only way to win something like this is to play for a team like AC Milan. It’s great to be part of a team that wins.”

The full rankings are to be released soon - with the likes of Arsenal’s Francesc Fabregas and Barcelona’s Ronaldinho surely to be in the mix.

Croatia World Cup Draw Perfect for England!

You could be forgiven for thinking that Croatia were on a par with the 1970 Brazil team when skimming through Monday’s newspapers. The tabloids were quick to get themselves in a tizzy, making utterances such as “Oh No! It’s Cro” (The Sun) and “Here We Cro Again” (Daily Mirror).

Even the regularly-excellent Kevin McCarra at The Guardian was caught up in the hype, perhaps due to his proximity to the gutter-press hacks in South Africa:

“The Football Association might conceivably have been chirpier had the actual draw imitated the result of the dress rehearsal, with Holland there rather than Bilic’s side.”

Let’s make no bones about it, England have been extremely fortunate with their World Cup 2010 qualifying draw and that’s reflected in the bookies making them 1/3 to qualify for the tournament finals in three years’ time. While Croatia are undoubtedly one of the best teams in Europe, there’s nothing quite like a humiliation in your own backyard to act as motivation when there’s a chance to right some wrongs.

However, it’s also vital that the new England manager and team treat every opponent in the group with the same amount of respect. While it’s clear that the likes of Kazakhstan and Andorra will simply try to kill the game at every opportunity, England cannot afford to take Ukraine and Belarus lightly in their bid to finish top of the group.

With only one team automatically qualifying for the finals from each group, there won’t be any second or third chances for England should they fail to demonstrate their potential once again. With five of the nine second-placed teams certain to miss out, it’s vital to get the campaign off to a flying start. This will not only ensure a greater chance of qualification, it will also restore the pride and confidence of the nation.

Newcastle, Ipswich and England’s Bobby Robson will be declared a legend by the BBC

The Telegraph is reporting that Sir Bobby will be given the BBC Sports Personality of the Year’s ‘Lifetime Achievement’ award next month, surrounded by former players from Ipswich Town’s FA and Uefa Cup-winning squads, as well as the international players who played under his management. Previous winners have included Sir Alex Ferguson and Pele, and we can’t think of a more deserving winner.
Robson won titles in Holland and Portugal, two European trophies, an FA Cup, and was the last truly great England boss (Venables included), driving England in the World Cup, only to lose in the matter in which we have become accustomed, penalties. Among the rich list of players he has managed are Ronaldo, Gazza, Luis Figo, and Ronaldo; and his playing career is wonderfully told in this Telegraph article, a true legend, rightfully honored.

Premier League Is The Most Foreignerest League In The Universe

The Daily Mail is today telling us that ‘The Premiership is the biggest league of nations in the world’. The Daily Mail triumphantly yells that ‘new research reveals that more than half — 316 of 569 — the players in the top flight last season were foreign.’
So, the Premier League has the largest amount of foreigners at 55.4 per cent, beating Germany (44.8 per cent), Spain (34.3), France (32.2) and Italy (28.9).

And the Mail claims this figure is set to rise even more this season, saying :

“On the opening weekend of this season, for example, only 37 per cent of players in Premier League starting XIs were English”.

Aside from the underlining xenophobic tub thumping, does any of this matter? Following the now mythical 1966 World Cup win (on home soil) we have consistently ebbed and flowed, but more often than not flattered to deceive, in International competitions. A mere eight years after winning the whole thing, we didn’t even qualify for the ‘74 World Cup Finals…Is the International team we have now better than the bunch of layabouts who couldn’t even qualify for USA ‘94? I don’t see any downturn in our International performances, indeed, it is very doubtful that we are at all hindered by the influx foreign players.

On the other hand, England’s national team is arguably filled with even less creative players than ever before so its not like the country is suddenly flowing with Zola-like magicians thanks to the influence of foreign players.

So… whatever…

Why Is International Football So Rubbish?

Football FanCast’s Michael Adams says what we’ve all been thinking about what we’re forced to watch in lieu of the Premiership.

I heard an interview with Arsene Wenger a while ago where he was asked if he would ever consider managing at international level. This was around a time when the English FA were stumbling from one PR disaster to the next looking for the man to recharge the performance and fortunes of the English national game following the announcement Sven would be leaving the post in the Summer of 2006.

Wenger’s response was predictably played with a straight bat; his focus is on Arsenal, he likes the day to day contact with player’s blah blah. However he made one comment that struck me as a real light bulb moment…. international football just isn’t very good. “Ridiculous” I hear you cry! The best talent whole countries have to offer pitting their collective skills against each other; surely this is the pinnacle of modern day football.

Well I’m not so sure. Let’s think about this on a pure entertainment basis, when was the last really good game of international football anyone watched?

England v Israel? (Er nope). Republic v Faroes? (Definitely not). Switzerland V Ukraine? (Please god make it stop!).

For me the world cup in the summer of 2006 was a procession of mediocre football matches occasionally settled by the odd goal or penalty shoot out. Even the final game, the showpiece match of the world’s biggest competition was completely forgettable. Only Zinadine’s desire to be remembered as the greatest happy slapper to walk the planet gave us all something to talk about afterwards. If you need further evidence as to the type of football matches we endured that summer let me remind you that an Italian defender was probably the player of the tournament, I think that tells us everything.

Read more

Blatter: I’m Rich, B*tch!

Sepp Blatter news is great for two reasons, one of which is the opportunity to use our favourite photo of all time.

The other is that, in a move destined to improve his popularity no end, Sepp Blatter revealed how much money he earns for suggesting female football players wear tighter shorts and that we should have the World Cup every other Sunday.

Sepp, or “The Bumbling Fool Of FIFA” as he’s known to close friends, told Swiss newspaper Sonntags Zeitung that he raked in USD$1 million in 2006.

True to form, Blatter then made the following statement about the growing financial disparity between football clubs,

“A gulf is opening up. The rich are getting even richer.”

Wonderful.

Lippi Whores Himself To The Premiership

Former Juventus boss and World Cup winning hero Marcelo Lippi has left no stone unturned as he explain to The Sun (riiiight) that he is ready to pop his Premiership cherry,

I’m aware that I’m on the wanted list at a number of big clubs, but specifically at Chelsea, and I regard that as only natural,” Lippi told The Sun.

“I know I’m a good coach and if anyone is surprised about top clubs like Chelsea wanting me, then I just point to my record.

“I have coached teams which have reached the Champions League final four times, I’ve won Serie A five times and of course the World Cup, too.

“If anyone thinks that a move to a big English club is beyond me, then I’d just say ‘give me a break’.

“I’m ready, willing and enthusiastic to coach in England, even though I know that people mistakenly say I can’t speak English.

“There are already a number of foreign coaches working in England, so I cannot see why people might say that Chelsea is not the place for me.

“It feels wholly understandable after a year out and given my CV that a big club wants to sign me and I will make my final decision in May.”

A bizarre mix of arrogance, insecurity and paranoia makes Lippi our favourite to replace Jose Mourinho as the Premiership’s wind up merchant should he arrive. We’re just hoping it’s not in the Portugeezer’s shoes as the mind games between Ferguson, Wenger, Benitez, Mourinho and Lippi will surely be spectacular.

Sadly, though, we can’t see where Marcelo will end up. Assuming Peter Kenyon isn’t lying to our face and Jose stays at Chelsea, the big four have their bosses in place. Newcastle and Tottenham seem relatively happy with their men in charge and the likes of West Ham and Aston Villa have only just appointed their “first choice” bosses.

But ignoring the realism of it all, are there any supporters out there who would replace their current manager with Lippi?

Do The Zidane

If there’s one thing the French are known for, it’s not taking themselves too seriously.

Wait…that’s not right at all.

Anyway, a select group have at least chosen to ease the pain of their World Cup final loss by embracing the innate hilarity of Zinedine ‘Psycho’ Zidane’s behaviour.

Boggs: Biggest Disappointments from the World Cup?

Boggs kinda enjoyed Germany 06, but not as much as he feels he should have. Blaaaaaaatter!!!

The World Cup was great, as it always is in comparison to the usually football-less summer, but it did include it’s fair share of let downs. Just the notion of an Italy vs. France final meant that quite a few things did not go the way the ‘pundits’ expected. Which in layman’s terms means I lost a shitload of money (Thanks a LOT, Lawro).

But I was equally agrieved that Messi and Rooney never recovered to make a real impact, they’re fit young lads surely they could have just taken a shot of whiskey and used the other leg/foot/arm or whatever was bothering them. Not good enough.

Frank Ribery was also incredibly underwhelming, from what I gathered from the hype and poorly edited compilation videos before the tournament, he should have juggled the ball on his bollocks past 8 players before smacking the ball so hard into the goal that the net spontaneously combusted…and then got off with all of the members of Girls Aloud. And to make matters worse I watched him play in High Definition…which was bad…because he is scary to look at.

Other disappoinments include the refs. Not tough enough and to make matters worse they eased up in the latter stages. Why would I want to watch a football match that did NOT have 50-60 indirect free kick opportunities? It’s hard to beat a good near-post flick-on for excitement. Sort it out, Blatter.

Also, after some initial media attention the whole German-super-whorehouse story died out. Why?

All in all, it was a good show. Just a shame that Iran didn’t turn up (f**king Lawro).

Video: Zidane Kills Materazzi In The Chest

The video will be played a thousand times before the end of the summer, but is well worth a look again and again and again. One of the greatest players in history delivering one of the greatest headbutts in history. Pre-meditated, couple of steps run up, square in the chest. Brilliant.

Can’t imagine what Materazzi could have said to provoke such a reaction, but rumors range from accusations of terrorism to claims that Zidane’s mother enjoys the odd nipple tweak.

Tenner: Good thing we rushed to appoint McClaren!

Tenner delivers a Zidanebutt to a nearby child as he considers what could have been.

So, it turns out that Fabio Capello may well have agreed to coach England had the FA’s timing been better.

“The FA asked Juventus if it was possible to have an interview with me,” Capello told the News of the World.

“At the time Juventus said I was their coach and they said no.”

“If I had been free, yes it would have been something I would have seriously considered,”

“It is the sort of job that is an honour for every coach to be the manager of England.”

“But the timing of the situation meant it was not dependent on me. It was the decision of Juve.”

The new Real Madrid coach became available recently as the Juventus match-fixing trial picked up steam, which meant that England could have been lead by one of the most successful domestic managers of all time with a proven track record for managing squads littered with stars (Juve, Real, Milan).

But no, because someone HAD to be appointed before the World Cup otherwise there would be chaos with women and children crying in the streets. After all, it’s just the next four years we’re talking about.

It would be reasonably acceptable if this was an isolated incident, but remember that Phil Scolari revealed that he would have happily considered the job if he had been approached closer to his contract expiration at the end of July.

So…had the FA taken their time in finding a new coach after Sven resigned, rather than simply looking around to see who else was in the room at the time, England could have appointed either one of the best international coaches of recent times or one of the best club coaches in history.

But no. Because if they had waited then who knows when Steve f**king McClaren would become available again.

Grosso: Bigger than the Pope?

Round of 16: Wins the penalty to defeat Australia.

Semi final: Scores the winning goal in the final moments of extra time to knock out Germany.

Final: Scores the winning penalty in the shootout.

Cannavaro probably deservers to be player of the tournament after some incredible defensive displays, but Grosso will be getting free pasta for life.

And punani.

Uh…ok…

Thanks, we guess, to reader Jolly for sending this to us. Would have been nice if there was some sort of explanation as to what the f**k is going on.

Something to do with France, Brazil and insane looking rabbits…

Caption Competition: The Germans

You know how this works. Best caption will receive a free e-card congratulating them on their efforts. Maybe a cash prize…but probably not.

Our best attempt is “Ballack edges out Klose in ball-shitting final”

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