Souness to end it all?

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Previously moustached Newcastle manager Graeme Souness has finally cracked under the pressure of his own incompetence:

“To say I am suicidal about the current state of affairs is not far off the mark,” he admitted.

Comical hyperbole aside, the Barcodes are suffering an admittedly crippling injury crisis. Kieron Dyer, Celestine Babyaro, Titus Bramble, Albert Luque, Nolberto Solano, and Lee Bowyer are all ailing.

Graeme, any news on Michael Owen?

“There is a tightness there and coming off was a precautionary measure…”

A disgusting quote, but fortunately for us it turns out he was referring to a hamstring strain – picked up this week in training (which makes almost £30 million worth of injured new signings)

Permanently injured players, a record signing who hasn’t helped, too-loyal fans demanding more and another season of midtable mediocrity to look forward to. If Newcastle lose to Sunderland in this weekend’s Teeside derby, better remove all sharp objects from poor Graeme’s vicinty (especially whatever he uses to keep that humongous ‘stache from coming back).