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SLAKR: Chelsea Fans: This is your elbow; That is your arse; That is your head sticking out of it

Slakr carefully considers some recent comments from Chelsea fans, and proceeds to lob a volley of abuse their way. Let’s see how this one turns out:

So I must admit, I’ve always had a hard time communicating with Man United fans. Its an ingrained bias thing. As a result, I’ve also had trouble communicating with Spurs fans, who for some reason seem to hate Arsenal more than United. I mean seriously — Paul Scholes, the Neville Brothers and Roy Keane? But I don’t think I’ve ever had such an unreasonable response to an impeccably balanced article as I’ve received over the last couple of days from Chelsea fans. So lets go through my mailbag, and explain to these kind, but simple folk how to tell their arse from their elbow.


“Bluey” writes: You’re recalcitrance is amusing you berate us when we win and berate us if we lose you’d rather die than acknowledge one positive attribute of our team or club. You’re a small man. Do you want now what Chelsea supporters feel when we see your glee at our losing? The same thing we feel when beat currish teams like Liverpool or Arsenal or Barcelona … nothing their just another team like you are just another yapping sprouter of fatuousity. CHAMPIONS and we’re having a larf!
Well. Lets just say that Roman’s money cannot buy spelling or punctuation abilities in his fan base. Actually, given his Soviet connections, I’m sure that at some point he’s going to set up some fan club gulags to beat it into you. But lets get beyond the basics. Arsenal, Liverpool and Barcelona, eh? Well, one is the only team that has gone through a Premiership season unbeaten, one is the only British owner of a European Cup (and current CHAMPIONS OF EUROPE you prat), and one is the team thats going to knock Chelski out of Europe this year. So not quite “just another team”.

Now to “Geoff Hards”, who says: Could it be yet again envy? 50 years ago Real Madrid began buying every good player available with so it seemed an endless bankroll. They were admired by the NEUTRALS for the excellent football that they played.
Seriously Geoff. Do you think anyone, neutral or otherwise would be saying half the things they’re saying if the USSR/CCCP team played with the flair of Liverpool, United or Real of yesteryear? But you guys are boring, your players have no heart (except for Terry who’s a thug and Lampard who’s, well, hard to critisize), and your manager is a complete blowhard. When Ranieri managed the Million Dollar Corporation no one really hated you lot as much, because the manager was such a lovable bufoon.

And finally, Anonymous writes: “the smug bastards will have one less trophy than any decent manager could have bought with that amount of money?” Do you not know anything about football are are you just an idiot? Seriously, I’m interested.
Well Anonymous my old chum. I guess maybe its a mix of both. I really am an idiot, and I know almost nothing about football. But give me the money that darling Jose has thrown around, and I can pretty much guarantee that I would manage the team to the Carling Cup. Though to be fair, my math is definitely wonky. I said that Jose has 1 less cup than any decent manager could get. Let me recount. Cups entered (that are completed for Chelsea): 4. Cups Won: 1. Its hardly a coincidence that Roman’s dodgy business deals have picked up since the end of last season. With a return on investment like that, you need to bilk more out of the peasants.

Alright. Thats about as much stupidity as I can take for now.

Does Slakr know his arse from his elbow? Let us know in the comments section or send an official rebuttal to submissions@caughtoffside.com and we’ll put it up on the page!