COS writer SuesieG does double takes on the Premiership’s biggest news, and shockingly today it’s Chelsea, Chelsea, Chelsea…
Money can’t buy everything.
After Liverpoolâ€™s Charity Shield victory this year, a Liverpool fan, John, phoned into the 606 and called Chelsea fans a disgrace for not turning up. â€œWhere ARE they?â€ he yelled down the line, â€œWhere ARE these glory seeking trophy hunters?â€ Shortly after that, John conceded that the Charity Shield meant nothing to Liverpool, so why he was mad at Chelsea fans for not showing up in the first place is beyond me.
Now listen Chelsea fans, I can understand your absence from the Charity Shield. Cardiff is a long way to go on a Sunday, and if Joseâ€™s appearance that day is any reflection of your feeling on the match, then you are all forgiven on that account. I also understand that the cost of supporting a highly paid team basically amounts to taking out a second mortgage. With fixtures in the Premiership, Champions League, FA Cup, etc., tickets to all of these matches would cost the average fan their shirt, their house, and possibly their firstborn too.
But what I don’t understand, is that on the first night of your Champions League campaign â€“ the year in which you are all shouting that this is YOUR year to win the â€œBig Oneâ€ – 10,000 seats at Stamford Bridge were empty in their group opener. Jose was there with his first 11 and Ashley Cole, where were you?
HURRAY! Itâ€™s the â€œRealâ€ Jose!
And speaking of showing up, a bigger concern to me has not been the abundance of missing Chelsea fans, but the whereabouts of the real Jose Mourinho.
I have been extremely distressed that in place of the cheeky trash-talking â€œfashionistaâ€ weâ€™ve been used to seeing these past few years, was a kinder, gentler, pudgier and balding version of Jose Mourinho. Who is this guy? Why is he still wearing those track suits? And what have you done with the old Jose? The â€œoldâ€ Jose would never have talked about the bad attitude of his team; the â€œoldâ€ Jose would never have complained about his heavy work load and lack of â€œqualityâ€ time with his players; and the â€œoldâ€ Jose would definitely NEVER have admitted to fearing any team, let alone a minimum of 10 teams in the Champions League.
Just as I was coming to terms with the idea of a boring boring Chelsea manager who would keep quiet and let his team do his talking for him, the â€œrealâ€ Jose Mourinho FINALLY emerged, and in true form declared that Chelsea are on the receiving end of a conspiracy theory by UEFA! I ask you, does it get any better than that?
Just to be clear, I think itâ€™s unfair to Jose to (1) think heâ€™s paranoid, or (2) give him credit for thinking up a â€œconspiracy theory.â€ Mourinho neither used the word â€œconspiracyâ€ â€“ that was the press; nor did he throw out any fighting words like â€œslavery.â€ Instead, he cleverly opened his stats file marked â€œThings That Make You go Hmmmm???â€ and referred to the following solid â€œfactsâ€:
â€¢ Chelsea was the only team to pick up a slew of yellow cards Tuesday night;
â€¢ Among the notable â€œoffendersâ€ in those yellow cards were the â€œunusual suspectsâ€ of John Terry, the Frank Lampard, Joe Cole and Didier Drogba. All of whom are now one booking away from the dreaded RED; and
â€¢ In the event of a â€œcrucialâ€ penalty, although there is 100 percent confidence in Frank Lampardâ€™s abilities, another, preferably German-born, player will take it.
Anyways, getting back to reality, I donâ€™t think anyone at Stamford Bridge should be concerned about this. It’s only the group stages; itâ€™s still a ways to go until you play Barcelona; and Chelsea bought enough brand names players (minus William Gallas) to warm the bench, so coverage for any deficiencies and Frank Lampard should be readily available.
Now that the whole Ashley Cole transfer ended as predictably as suspected, Ashley’s refusing to be quiet and concentrate on his footballing career at Chelsea, equally as predictable.
Not content with having publicly bitten off and savaged the hand that nursed and fed him at Arsenal, Coleâ€™s already off to a fine start with his new club by pointing the â€œliar, liar pants-on-fire at my inquiryâ€ finger in his new book at his new boss.
I have no idea why Premiership footballers write books about themselves, but in this case, God bless Ashley Cole! As if he didnâ€™t give us enough laughs with his fake wedding photos to Cheryl Tweedy, heâ€™s now giving us a book on his entire life, which contains deep thoughts such as â€œThierry Henry was the favourite at Arsenal â€“ that’s why I left.â€ With that in mind, I wonder what heâ€™s going to make of Romanâ€™s new friend, Andriy Shevchenko?