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Shevchenko Regrets, Bollywood Dreams

COS diarist SuesieG spins another web of news stories starring everyone’s favourite Premiership champions.

The second chapter of my continuing dirty affair with Chelsea,

This is my first year playing fantasy football manager, and to tell you the truth, I’m a unclear on a few things. I don’t get why this game is called “fantasy football.” First, it’s not “fantasy” when you can’t buy all of the big name players you want. Second, it’s not “fantasy” when you’re only given a limited amount of funds to work with in the first place! How the hell am I’m going to win in this “fantasy” league if I don’t have a ton of expensive world class players in my starting line up, my bank account is already in the red, and I have no wealthy oligarchs lining up to back me?

Anyways, my player selections were all going well right up until the time I had to pick a striker. The one player who I HAD to have, who I am unwilling to part with ever, and who cost me my entire fantasy fortune was Andriy Shevchenko. I was first smitten with Sheva when he graced Armani’s catwalk, and then again during that Champions League final against Liverpool. Arguably, that penalty kick against Jerzy Dudek of all people was not Sheva’s best, and could easily place him down the penalty-taking pecking order at Stamford Bridge, but who cares? If Steven Gerrard rates him, then so do I and, that’s good enough for me!

My friend Roy said “be sensible with your money Suesie – get Andrew Johnson instead.” Bah! What does he know about world class strikers anyway? “No,” I said snottily, “I’m taking Shevchenko – he’s class, he’s going to score zillions of goals, create super chances, and rack me up a whole lot of points.”

As of today, I have zero money in my “fantasy” bank account (strange, that’s just like my “real” bank account); I’m sitting 7th in a group of 12; Sheva is getting me an average of 2 points a game; and Andrew Johnson is the Premiership’s leading goal- scorer. And if that isn’t enough, I saw something today that made me cringe – today’s BBC “Do You Know” fact is: when master marksman Andriy Shevchenko scores, Chelsea lose.

JHOOM BARABAR JHOOM

Contrary to yesterday’s stories about the Chelsea-Bollywood connection, I’m disappointed to learn that there will be no colourful elephant dance scenes with Didier Drogba or any Cheryl Tweedy spin-off music videos coming to theatres anytime soon. The news out of Stamford Bridge today is that no actual Chelsea player (Ashley Cole notwithstanding) will be featured in the Bollywood movie, Jhoom Barabar Jhoom. Instead, we will be treated to a movie about a boy named Rikki, who wears a Chelsea shirt and claims to be a “loyal” Chelsea supporter. A documentary, then?

Hmmm…well, now that we know the movie is about something completely ridiculous, I think I’ll wait for Spike Lee’s film about Thierry Henry and Arsenal instead.