Menu

Who Would Win A Premiership Manager Fight Club?

Steve Sidwell reckoned his former boss at Reading Alan Pardew would have wiped the floor with Arsene Wenger if they’d been allowed to go at it. Though as an ex-Arsenal player he may just be dreaming.

Sadly we’ll never get to find out (unless there’s an ITV charity boxing special a la Ricky Gervais vs Grant Bovey) but it got us wondering: how would the Premierships bosses fare in a punch up?

Welcome to the Premiership Manager Fight Club ™…

Arsene Wenger (Arsenal)

Technically an excellent fighter but sometimes prefers to show off his fancy footwork when he should be landing that killer punch.

Special Move: Pretending not to see you. Then bam! Right in the bollocks.

Martin O’Neill (Aston Villa)

Consummate tactician, he can adapt his strategy to face any opponent. Wears glasses though.

Special Move: The law. O’Neill could use his legal learnings to have you
banged up post-fight.

Mark Hughes (Blackburn Rovers)

Sparky roughed up enough opposing center halves in his day, and we can only
assume those lethal Roberto Carlos like thunder thighs still lurk menacingly
beneath his suit trousers.

Special Move: Bicycle kick. To the bollocks.

Sam Allardyce (Bolton Wanderers)

After winning promotion battles and surviving numerous relegation dogfights,
chances are that Big Sam would be handy in a real scrap. Needs to lose the
poncy earpiece though.

Special Move: A vicious backhander

(allegedly).

Iain Dowie (Charlton Athletic)

Well, bit irrelevant now…

Special Move: Some sort of Medusa-like stare we imagine.


Jose Mourinho (Chelsea)

Will distract you with pre-match complaints about the referee and has the
best and most expensive weapons at his disposal. But can such a well dressed
man ever be considered hard?

Special Move: A dirty bugger. So a handful of sand to the eyes from a hidden pocket in his overcoat, then probably some sort eye poke.

David Moyes (Everton)

On a good year the no-nonsense Scot punches well above his weight, on a bad
year well below. Doesn’t fight well in Europe either.

Special Move: One phone call to Big Dunc and you’re dead.


Chris Coleman (Fulham)

May not look very tough – those dark Welsh locks dripping with expensive
product – but some thought Cookie Coleman would never walk again after
breaking his leg in a car crash. Not only did he walk, he made a brief but
brilliant return to football, playing a few minutes of Wales 1-0 win over
Germany.

Special Move: “The Cookie Cutter”. Don’t know what it is, but it sounds
dangerous.

Rafa Benitez (Liverpool)

You never know what Rafa will do next, and neither does he. A huge choice of
weapons at his disposal, but some think he doesn’t make the best use of
them.

Special Move: “The Rotater” where he spins his arms around wildly and
seemingly without reason.

Stuart Pearce (Manchester City)

They don’t call him Psycho for nothing, though all this Beanie

Horse business suggests he may have mellowed recently.

Special Move: He’s called “Psycho”. Does it matter?

Sir Alex Ferguson (Manchester United)

Don’t let the snooty title fool you, he’s still The man is from Govan. Maybe
getting on a bit, so the old reflexes aren’t what they were, but one Glasgow
Kiss and you’re down.

Special Move: The world renowned hair-dryer treatment, only with an actual hairdryer.

Gareth Southgate (Middlesbrough)

Doesn’t have a license to coach, but may have a license to kill. Secret
agents are always the most unlikely looking blokes.

Special Move: Deadly from 12 yards (to England’s tournament hopes).


Glenn Roeder (Newcastle United)

With all due respect to Roeder, he looks like a Geography teacher. In his
defence, Roeder looks more than capable of taking anyone down, no matter
they’re size and resources.

Special Move: Tough one as he has no personality whatsoever. Let’s say vehicular homicide.

Harry Redknapp (Portsmouth)

His wheeling and dealing down the years suggest that, like MacGyver, he could
construct a weapon out of whatever economical objects are at his disposal.

Special Move: Could give you a heart attack by signing Marco Boogers all over again. More than likely he packs a deadly Roundhouse Kick.

Steve Coppell (Reading)

Has already been knee-capped once, while playing for England against Hungary
(“it was like someone put a firework in my knee and it had gone off”) so
that makes him tough in my book.

Special Move: Not afraid to pull out the old Zenith Data
Systems Cup
and bash you over the head with it.


Neil Warnock (Sheffield United)

This outspoken individual must have talked his way into a few barfights down
the years, and the fact that he’s still walking suggests he knows how to
handle himself.

Special Move: Talking you to death, probably about crap linesmen or something.


Martin Jol (Tottenham Hotspur)

The Tony Soprano lookalike could have his goons fit you for concrete shoes.
Also unafraid to dish out black eyes, as Jermaine Defoe is (metaphorically)
learning.

Special Move: Remember the Zidanebutt? Now imagine that but with this.

Aidy Boothroyd (Watford)

Don’t be fooled by the smart suits. With his big jaw and broad shoulders,
Bothroyd can definitely take a punch, and can probably dish ’em out too.

Special Move: Deadly with a shoestring.


Alan Pardew (West Ham United)

Didn’t look scared of Arsene, and Steve Sidwell would fancy Pards’ chances.
Backs down and apologises too easily though.

Special Move: Repeated celebration style fist pumping to the mid-riff, followed by a bunch of dodgy Argies to finish you off.

Paul Jewell (Wigan Athletic)

Anyone with a Scouse accent that strong must be half-decent in a fight.
Knows a loser when he sees one too, ditching Bradford after keeping them in
the Premiership.

Special Move: Using wads of Dave Whelan’s cash to slap you about.