The Only Logical Next Step For Freddy Sheperd

Posted by

BubblyMickey reckons the writing is on the wall for Newcastle as Glenn Roeder’s “reign” at Newcastle looks less secure, even if they do win Europe’s redheaded stepchild of a trophy.

Current Newcastle United Chairman Fat Freddy Shepherd isn’t too popular right now, and Toon supporters site Newcastle-Online have pinpointed one of the many reasons why.

Though Freddy insults someone every time he opens his well-fed mouth (usually Newcastle fans, players or womenfolk) his biggest downfall has been hiring and firing managers. Just how did a club like Newcastle United wind up with Graeme Souness in the dugout?

Here’s how: Each of the 5 managers Freddy Shepherd has appointed thus far all have one thing in common; they were the exact opposite in style to their respective predecessors. Yes, the key to appointing a manager Toon style is to pinpoint the outgoing manager’s biggest flaw whether it be character wise or football management wise and pinpoint a manager who is quite good in those areas, or at least better than the outgoing man. If that fails check his birth certificate for the Geordie by birth stamp of approval.

What does this mean for Newcastle? If Glenn Roeder doesn’t turn things around in the Premiership then the next boss at the club could well be the fat man himself. Bear with me while I go through my long and most likely incorrect thought process…

Kevin Keegan, whose defence was apparently full of holes was replaced by Kenny Dalglish who was defensive minded and we were told, guaranteed to shore up that defence, and OMG, win the league. Didn’t happen and Dalglish’s dullness soon seeped into the team who at times, were as dull as their manager which just shouldn’t have been possible.

What does Freddy do? Appoints someone shexy to add some spice to the mix, Ruud Gullit. The Dutchman soon ostracised the dressing room, fans and star man Alan Shearer, however, with his aloof and foreign ways.

Out he went to be replaced by the antithesis of a foreigner, local man Sir Bobby Robson who wasn’t aloof at all, who players and fans alike could relate to. A big nice cuddly uncle Bobby.

A few years later…

Uh oh, Sir Bobby’s lost the plot with discipline, players are running amok. “I know”, thought Freddy, “lets replace him with a disciplinarian”.

So in came Graeme “Bastard” Souness who after a short while started to piss everyone off; fans and Toon players alike. And Blackburn’s Robbie Savage and Bolton’s Sam Allardyce.

What does Freddy do after promising everyone a world-class manager? He gives it to the caretaker because unlike the hated Souness, wor Glenn is a nice man. He nearly died you know, lost half his brain. What a guy. Arhh.”

Using this formula, and assuming Fat Freddy stays on, I’ve used a supercomputer so big you can see it from space to calculate who Glenn Roeder’s replacement will be. Roeder is thin, has coaching experience, he’s a nice guy, sometimes wears glasses and has never (to our knowledge) said that “Geordie women are dogs.” The supercomputer computed the information using it’s algorithms and spat out a printout that said…


… wait, that can’t be right can it? Well maybe. Sort of. There was a story in the Daily right wing xenophobic newsletter Mail last week that Shepherd was planning to buy out the Hall family and take full ownership of the club, leaving Newcastle fans and players alike under a Freddyocaracy, if you will. Fingers crossed that the rumoured Belgravia takeover happens instead.

Agree with BubblyMickey? Think he’s an idiot? Let us know in the comments or write editor@(remove)