What’s It Like To Be Frank Lampard?

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Ryan throws us his carefully researched evaluation of what its like to be Chelsea midfielder and Premiership super duper star Frank Lampard.


– ‘Show up late. Make sure all the reserves and youth players see me strolling in fashionably late, on me mobile, don’t look at them. I’m Frank Lampard, I can be late.’

– ‘Juggle the ball while Jose’s chatting. Nobody else would do it, but I’m Frank Lampard, I can do it. Cameras *will* be around, so ensure to pull up shorts and flex thigh muscles at any available opportunity.’

– ‘Play on same 5-a-side team as Cech, Makelele, Essien, and Drogba. Score all the goals, avoid all the tackles, take the limelight. I’m Frank Lampard’.

Match Day:

– ‘Look pumped in Tunnel for the Sky Cameras. I’m Frank Lampard and I’m ready for action. Feign interest in fat, disabled child that I have to hold hands with, but turn from doting sentimentalist to rugged winner in flick of a second.’

– ‘Touch the grass on entering the pitch. Kiss ring. All the Spaniards do it, and I *could* do it if I was at Barcelona. I’m linked with them all the time me. Nobody else in Chelsea line up does it, I’ll be the one standing out from the crowd on the Sky cameras.’

– ‘Stand, hand-on-hips staring at opposition ready for battle. I’m Frank Lampard and I’m pumped for this shit.’

– ‘Take the ball off Terry, and give it to Carvalho.’

– ‘Ball kicked out of play for an injury, make sure I’m the one to give it back to the opposition, even if I have to run from one corner of the pitch to the other to do it.’

– ‘Take all Free-kicks, and corners, and penalties. Anything that involves extra camera-time.’

– ‘Shoot’

– ‘If hair gets wrecked, don’t adjust it. I’m Frank Lampard and I’m not even thinking about my disheveled hair cos I’m so in the zone’

– ‘Adopt ‘Do I really have to play with these amateurs?’ attitude when SWP can’t control my cross-field pass that went 40 yards over his head’

– ‘Score via 8 deflections. Run to fans, pumped. I do this all the time me.’

– ‘Kiss ring finger. Even though I’m not even married’

– ‘Pump arms at fans. FURIOUSLY! “Are you gonna help me with this, or do I have to carry this team myself?” GRRRR.’

– ‘Match over. Get shirt off quicksmart. Fold shorts down. Ripped abs. Hair a mess. I look great.’


– ‘Accept another MOTM bottle of Champagne awarded to me by Jamie Redknapp, my cousin. Don’t say thanks, don’t look at the bottle, don’t look at the camera. I get these all the time.’

– ‘Report for England duty. Talk about self and goalscoring form in all pre-match interviews.’

– ‘Sit with frown on face at being rested. I’m Frank Lampard and I don’t do dropped’

– ‘Do Tesco ad’s. Britain’s biggest Supermarket chain gets Britain’s best footballer, Frank Lampard.’

[Piece also appears on Liverpool message board sixcrazyminutes.com]