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Three Easy Steps To Get Tottenham Into The Champions League

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This time, COS reader Lucas sends us yet another Tottenham-related article, this time looking at how the club should be pursuing a Champions League spot.

I’ve decided, as a Tottenham Hotspur supporter, to draw up a guidebook to breaking the chastity belt around the metaphorical vagina of Champions League qualification and breaking up the Premiership’s Big Four. So, then, let’s put on some Barry White, light a candle, and get making with the love. Football love, that is, you sick bastards.

Step One: Addition By Subtraction

One of the best ways to not be a mediocre team anymore is to get rid of the players who, well, make you mediocre. Anthony Gardner, you’re the first out. Portsmouth inexplicably want you, and quite frankly they can take you for free. Oh? What’s that? You’ll pay money for him? Outstanding. The man with one sad, solitary England cap (not unlike Fulham’s Zat Knight, in several ways) has no place in a squad with aspirations towards not sucking. Second, Mido. Oh boy will I be glad to see him gone. It’s incredible, really, that a man who is so obviously hungover at least half of the time he’s on the pitch can be a factor in a European squad. Also, the whole “not showering” thing really isn’t cool. Not at all.

Lastly, and this might come as a surprise, either Robbie Keane or Jermain Defoe has to leave. Aston Villa want Keane, and it seems like everybody’s interested in Defoe. Defoe won’t be happy unless he gets more playing time, and Keane can’t be pleased with coming off in the 65th minute of every game for Defoe.What these players will bring, and this is crucial, is cash. Even if you figure at most four or five million for Gardner and Mido combined, the sale of either Defoe or Keane would bring in something like ten million pounds. And if you combine that with what would probably already be there in the budget, we’ve got some serious spending money. And that is where the quality comes in.

Step Two: Addition by, ah, Addition

The way I see it, Spurs are pretty solid at most positions. We’ve got decent strikers, good midfielders, and we’re good along the back, and potentially great, with the exception of the left fullback. Lee-young Pyo is an attacking fullback who doesn’t attack well, and Benoit Assou-Ekotto is a defensive minded fullback who doesn’t defend well. We need quality- real quality- on this left side. We’ve been all over Gareth Bale, but he’s probably going to Manchester United. The names that have come up, however, have been Gabriel Heinze and Wigan’s Leighton Baines. I’m not a huge fan of Heinze, mostly because he doesn’t always seem to give the impression of giving a shit, but Baines is very good, can take a quality set piece, and, inevitably, is young and English. The other name that occurred to me, as far as attackers go, was Peter Crouch. True, he runs like a drunk baby, but the man has a knack for scoring against weak teams, which is something we’ve struggled in. His scoring record in European competition is outstanding as well, and with Liverpool looking to move him, I think we should bring that ungainly plonker back to Spurs.

Step Three: On-Field Production

I don’t think it’s too much of a stretch to say that this is the most important part of my three step strategy. We have the talent, surely, it’s just a matter off getting the right mix of players working together as a unit. Jermaine Jenas needs to throw himself around in the manner that he’s capable of, whoever comes in at left back needs to give us some width, and
of course Martin Jol needs to well, fuck off. Anyone, realistically, could do a better job than he.

So there you have it, ladies and gentlemen, three quick pieces to become a big club.

Agree with Lucas? Think he’s a fool? Let us know in the comments or write to editor[at]caughtoffside[dot]com.