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Julio Baptista Hates English Football… And Northern Teams… And England.

Well, well, well. At last count we thought that, even though both Jose Antonio Reyes and Julio Baptista struggled to fully adapt to life with Arsenal and the Premiership – at least Baptista wasn’t moaning all the time about the weather or shops closing early.

[Cue predictable transition] But it seems “The Beast” is actually a big ol’ baby as well,

“The teams from the north of England are terrible,” said Baptista in The Times.

“When we play them I have counted their centre-backs booting up to 30 long balls upfield per game.

“The weather over here is killing me. We’ll get one day of sunshine for every 30 days of rain, and it is driving me to despair.

“My girlfriend and my mother are frightened about not seeing the sun in England. They miss being in Madrid.

“Premiership football is very hard. I am Brazilian and I enjoy playing the ball, making clever touches and taking bicycle kicks. Arsene Wenger does not forbid me from doing them, but the game is so fast I don’t even have time to think about them.

“The moment you stop to think, someone has taken the ball off you and knocked you to the ground. Over here they value a corner kick more than a fancy flick.

“I am lucky to be with Arsenal, as they are a team that likes to play proper football.”

Wah, wah, wah. If not being able to do bicycle kicks as often as he wants to is a major footballing complaint, then calling himself “The Beast” is simply false advertising unless it’s merely referencing how chufty he is. The bits about not having enough time for him to think and do fancy flicks or else be ‘knocked to the ground’ doesn’t bode well for Julio pulling off a spectacular second season like Didier Drogba did at Chelsea. It’s also impressive that Jules has been paying enough attention to know when he’s facing a Northern team, so that he can jot down how many long balls their centre backs play.

So now Arsene Wenger and the Arsenal face a nice dilemma, which moaner to keep – Reyes or Baptista?