Russians Think The England Players Are Effete Wusses

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The president of Russian football Vitaly Mutko has accused England of being a bunch of sniveling wimps about the now infamous plastic pitch in Moscow. Mutko has snorted:

“Why do they make such a fuss about it in England? It’s a good pitch. Bayern, Inter and Celtic played good football on it. The English should just play on it and stop whimpering.”

Although Mutko thinks the English are fussing over a non-issue, several other people have stepped out of the shadows with horror stories about the plastic pitch probably ensuring that the England team shuffles out on Wednesday crying, holding hands, and sucking each others’ thumbs… Gordon Strachan, said that they put too much water on the pitch *GASP* when Celtic played there earlier this year : “They watered the pitch to make it far slicker than we expected. It certainly wasn’t the pitch we trained on and it caught us out for the first 20 minutes. The players couldn’t even keep their feet to start with.”

FC Nurnberg striker Ivan Saenko had added to the English plastic panic by withdrawing from the Russian squad after aggravating an injury during a training session on the plastic pitch.

Saenko wept:

“It was that artificial pitch. I realised I wouldn’t be able to play my best on it and that I wouldn’t be safe.”

ANd Russian spokesman Ilya Kazakov backed up Saenko’s story saying:

“After training on the Luzhniki pitch, Ivan Saenko aggravated his previous injury and had to go back to Germany for treatment.”

How will England’s coddled millionaires cope, they have to play in freezing cold temperatures and on a plastic pitch, I for one think these brave Lions need all the support they can get to pull through this obviously extremely distressing situation.