Evil Plastic Pitch Lures England Stars To Shipwreck.

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The Sun has today lit the torches, raised the pitchforks, rounded up the impressionable villagers, and led the charge on the Luzhniki Stadium, bellowing “Burn the Pitch! Burn the pitch!! It’s disgusting!! It’s a freak!! It’s not even natural!!!” Occasionally wiping the frenzied drool from its chin.

The Sun today sparkled with a beautifully chiselled diamond of a headline:”This Moscow pitch is a bitch.” Yes, England have it made tonight; win or lose, come sunshine or snow, Robinson gaffe-orgy or Rooney hat-trick – they have a ready made excuse in the plastic pitch. Sun Reporter Ian McGarry even “sent a text warning the England players of the dangers before they trained yesterday”. Alas it was too late as John Terry succumbed to the cruel undulations of the evil Moscow bitch-pitch. McGarry is even pictured in The Sun article kneeling on the plastic pitch of death and you can see the stark fear in his panic stricken eyes.

McGarry writes: “I am not surprised the curse of the plastic pitch struck John Terry. The synthetic fibres at the Luzhniki Stadium are unusually long and studs could get caught.”

The Russians though are used to it, indeed they have probably invoked a Rasputin inspired incantation to prevent their studs getting caught or their knees getting grazed.

So how are our brave boys going to cope? Manager Steve McClaren has called on his team to make heroes of themselves, and we can but pray that England make it through this horrendously unfair and harrowing ordeal alive. Give them another 50,000 a week, they deserve it.