FA’s Advert For England Job Leaked!

Job Title

England Football Manager aka The Throne of Doom


The FA


Soho Square, London. Also required to be mobile at weekends, visiting workplaces in locations such as Manchester, Newcastle and Los Angeles.

Brief Description

The simple task of ensuring the England football team qualify and win the 2010 World Cup in South Africa. However, no worries if the team misses out – there’s always Euro 2012 – wahey!

Duties & Responsibilities

  • Must be able to manage expectations of a delusional nation who is largely told what to think by a powerful and influential fourth estate.
  • Regular attendance at Premier League matches is required; therefore time-keeping is essential due to the havoc created by the rescheduling of games for television purposes. Successful applicant will be allowed to leave early to beat traffic.
  • Occasional visits to the Los Angeles Galaxy training ground; in case of emergencies.
  • Ensuring a clean break is made from the former unsuccessful regime. Naturally, any decision can be reversed if initial results prove unsatisfactory.
  • Willingness to get drenched on the touchline if it’s raining; this is important for PR purposes and is demonstrates to influential general public that you’re ‘getting your hands dirty’.
  • Strong investigation skills a bonus; successful candidate encouraged to search ancestry of Petr Cech, Edwin Van der Sar and Gianluigi Buffon to discover English great-grandmother. Then worry about the ten outfield positions.
  • Take into account where each footballer plays their club football. Give preference to players affiliated to the so-called “Big Five” (Man United, Arsenal, Liverpool, Chelsea and, last but not least, LA Galaxy)

Hours of work

37.5 hours per year (flexible overtime may be required)

Rate of pay

You’ll be made rich beyond your wildest dreams, irrespective of performance. Providing we can get another NFL showpiece match at Wembley in 2008.