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Chelsea Star Admits His Team Are Brain-Dead Morons

The Daily Mail is reporting that Chelsea’s Florent Malouda is unhappy with life at Stamford Bridge and has handed over a bulging list of complaints.

Complaint 1 – Training is an ultra-violent cripplefest and in actual games everybody plays like dunces. Malouda said:

‘Training sessions here are terrifying. They are just like matches and you go flat out. During the actual games it is as though everybody’s brains are switched off. People play by instinct, spontaneously, in the way they did when they first discovered football.’

Complaint 2 – The Chelsea team’s diet is rather similar to Jabba the Hutt’s. Malouda moaned:

‘The people at Chelsea don’t control what the players eat. You can help yourself to whatever you like, drink Coke or anything. It is a good job I have come over here at the age of 27 and so haven’t been following the same diet as the rest of the club’s players.’

Complaint 3 – Boredom, boredom, and more boredom, even getting a phone-line is a Herculean task. Malouda moaned:

‘I have only just had a phone line put in. Things are not as simple over here as they are in France. You can’t just go to a shop and, bingo, they come round the next day to instal your equipment. I’ve ended up watching DVDs in English. In a way I enjoy getting myself out of the s*** by myself, as I have often had to do in my life.’

Complaint 4 – London’s traffic is dire. Malouda griped:

‘The traffic in London goes at a snail’s pace at times, so sometimes I end up taking the Tube. If I don’t want to spend my life stuck behind the wheel in traffic jams, I phone for a taxi to get me something to eat, or whatever. Or I’ll hire a big chauffeur-driven car so I can take my kids out for a walk.’

So yet another Chelsea player registers his moans about the club. How do they stay so far up the table with such a bunch of unhappy moaners?