Arteta: perfect player – crap hair! Rafa: annoying manager, rancid beard!

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There are two hair arrangements that have really pissed me right off this season.
As an Evertonian, the first is glaringly obvious; Rafa’s smugly kempt mini-beard. Its very existence winds me up, and I am beginning to think that it has a life of its own. Perhaps this is why Pako was ousted as the Spaniards assistant, and why it is rumoured that Rafa has vetoed any appointments – is little Chinny running the show? Forget about DIC and the Yankee bankers, Liverpool fans need to worry about Rafa’s chinbeard taking over proceedings,I have noticed that it is increasing in size; it could even launch a dramatic coup and engulf his entire face, leaving Rafa with no choice but attempt to carve out a singing career by singing Elton John numbers like this poor bastard.

Next up on my hairy hit-list is one of my own boys – Spanish demi-God Mikel Arteta. Whilst he is an obscenely good player, and his matador twists, free kicks, goals, and brilliant skills leave my gaping mouth drooling like Niagara Falls – there is one blemish on little Mikel’s cv. His hair, it simply doesn’t move – when he is in full flight it just sits their, a sticky parasitic coiffure which doesn’t add anything to the legend that is Mikky Arteta. I suggest either a skinhead, or better still a royal blue Mohawk, he could use it as a rudder when contorting around enemy players and – if the right product was applied – it could prove handy in a fight.

So there we have it, hopefully Rafa’s entire body will be eaten up by his facial hair, and fingers crossed – hopefully Mikel will get that blue Mohawk just in time for derby day.

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