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Boo hoo hoo – another Chelsea target bites the dust

You have to feel sorry for the Blues. Don’t other clubs in Europe understand that Chelsea are the biggest and best there is, and that if they come calling for your multi-million pound assets, you should simply step out of the way and let them loot away? Milan are clearly not reading this script and it’s annoying when clubs such as this try to prevent Roman Abramovich’s world dominance. How are Chelsea supposed to ‘grow the brand’ when children in third-world countries can’t put two K’s and two A’s on the back of their blue shirt?

The Guardian report that Milan have effectively told the Stamford Bridge super-powers to ‘sod off’ in their attempts to sign Kaka for [insert a shedload of millions here]. The Italian club insist that their Brazilian jewel in the crown is staying at the club for the foreseeable future, shunning the chance to team up with former national manager Phil Scolari.

“It’s normal for a Brazilian coach to try to bring in Brazilian players,” said Milan technical director Leonardo. “But signing Kaka is impossible, because he is here at Milan and will be here until the end of his career.”

Chelsea will now spend millions building a robot who plays exceptional football. Why draw the line at human beings, especially if they’re under contract with another club? Better still to have a droid patented who can always shoot accurately and crush an opposition player (literally) if they try to ghost past him. After all, the FA allowed Thaksin Shinawatra to buy Man City and the robot would be more of a fit and proper person than this megalomaniac.

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