An Open Letter to Chelsea Striker Didier Drogba

New COS Writer David Knight, lifelong Chelsea fan, just has something to say to his Idol.

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Oh, hi, Didier. Come in. Take a seat. Great game on Saturday, great game. What a goal, yet again! You’re doing well, as always. Now, we, as your fans, have called you here for a reason. It’s quite a big thing, an elephant in the room between us.

Hooo. Okay.

This is going to be hard.

Look, Drogba, you know we love you, right? And we always will. I mean, some of those goals you’ve scored have been fantastic – and a fair few have been so important for us, just… so important. Liverpool, Barça, United… you’ve torn their defences to shreds time and again. You work hard, even though it doesn’t always seem like it. More than once we’ve all been caught out, thinking, “Drogba’s done nothing today,” and then realising you’ve scored a brace and teed up Frank for the third. And, like I said, we love you for it. You’re already a legend.

But, please. We’re begging you as your friends, your fans, your worshippers: please stop pretending you’re injured when you’re not. And moaning to the ref. And getting needless cards, before getting all mopey when you inevitably get sent off. And getting banned. It’s… you know, you don’t need to. Let me put this in perspective for you.

It’s all kind of like Mark Lawrenson’s commentary. You know what I mean? It’s unnecessary, but it always seems to be there, and, yeah, it can kind of be funny sometimes, but eventually it just gets annoying. When what you want is detailed analysis, he gives one-word answers, and when you want a one-word answer he tells an unrelated joke. Sometimes he can be insightful, but it’s just not worth it for all the bollocks that you have to put up with in between. You see where we’re coming from?

I know habits are hard to break, and, yeah, you’re right, a lot of players do it, but most of them tone it down every once in a while, you know, or – I don’t know – don’t. And recently, you haven’t been too bad. Kudos. You’ve been doing well. Maybe Nico has inspired you or something. But, the thing is, we know you. We know you’ll do it again, and we know you’ll do it at exactly the time when it pisses the rest of the world off the most, so we have to defend you again. They’ll say, “Oh, that Drogba, what a dick!” and we’ll say, “He isn’t!” and they’ll come back with the classic, “Is!”, and we’ll be forced to counter with the drastic, “Isn’t!”, and then we’ll take it in turns to say “Is!” and “Isn’t!” over and over again until eventually we try to throw them a curveball and say, “He’s a great player, though,” expecting them to get confused and say, ‘Is!” so we can say “A-ha! You agree with me,” but instead, they’re a bit too quick and they say, “He’s still a dick,” and then they’ll stick out their tongues at us.

WHAT DEFENSE DO WE HAVE AGAINST STICKY-OUT TONGUES, DROGBA? How are we supposed to counter wit of that calibre?

So, yeah. Good luck for the next match. I’m sure you’ll do well. Just… keep in mind what we’ve said, right? Don’t do anything stupid, that’s all we ask. It’s not too much, is it?

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