COS Contributor Garry Bacon imagines an alternate reality where snow wasn’t enough to call off Sunday’s big game. Similarities to Dirty Tackle‘s excellent “If It Continued” series are coincidental and shouldn’t prevent lovers of football and inane humour from reading both!
In an alternate reality, where it never snows, Premier League games are never called off and the population don’t get hysterical about a bit of different weather (i.e. this authors mind) yesterday saw Liverpool and Tottenham play out a thrilling contest at Anfield, seen by a huge crowd of absolutely zero, so here for your delight is the full match report.
3.30 PM: Richard Keys welcomes us to Sky’s coverage which they’re calling: “Super Duper Armageddon Battle Biggest Match of the season Four Horseman of the Apocalypse will appear if our beloved top 4 are broken up this season, Sunday”
3.31 PM: Andy Gray surprisingly says something derogatory about Tottenham.
3.32 PM: Astonishingly Andy Gray again says something derogatory about Tottenham.
3.33 PM: This is getting silly. He again says something witheringly sarcastic about Tottenham’s chances today. I get the slightest feeling he may not like Spurs.
3.35 PM: Now they’re discussing whether Spurs, Villa, Man City or possibly even someone not in the “pack chasing Fourth” ™ could “break in”, “smuggle” or even “gate-crash” the above mentioned top quartile. Blimey, they’re quite negative terms they’re using You almost get the impression that Sky think it would be a BAD THING if that happened.
(Twenty five minutes more of pro Liverpool guff spouted by Messrs Redknapp & Keys follow)
3.59 PM: Rafa Benitez is seen in the tunnel handing referee Mark Clattenburg a cheque with Rupert Murdoch’s signature on it…Hmmm, that’s a bit weird.
4.00 PM: The game gets underway and Tottenham come out all guns blazing, on the attacking foot from the start, apparently forgetting their place in the grand hierarchy of the Premier League and the fact that they are playing a Top Four team away, usually the sort of thing that would have them shaking like a shitting dog.
4.05 PM: Bizarrely Steven Gerrard and Fernando Torres can be seen crying in the corner with a “Please Save Us City/Inter/Chelsea/Accrington Stanley” banner. But then typical Stevie G, he puts that away and whips out his “I’ll stay at Liverpool until it kills me” banner. The fans alternate between singing his name and burning his shirt. Fickle lot, these scousers.
4.15 PM: After a disappointing opening quarter of an hour, Martin Tyler can be heard muttering “Come on Liverpool!!!” whilst Sky Executives can be soon on the roof of the ground with what look suspiciously like sniper rifles.
4.16 PM: What seems like a bullet whistles past Gomes’ goalmouth. Sky will apparently do anything to keep that Top Four together!!!
4.44 PM: GOAL!!! And it’s Spurs who draw first blood. Looking up for one second whilst he pauses for breath, after all the pointing and shouting he’s been doing for 44 minutes, one Robbie Keane pops up and drills past Pepe Reina. He celebrates by doing 15 cartwheels, all the way up to Rafa Benitez, and then proceeds to pull his trousers down and comically slap his cheeks, before telling him over and over: “See, I told you I was worth 20 million”. Andy Gray cry’s in the gantry, and can be heard muttering: “We’re all doomed, doomed I tells ya” maniacally.
4.45 PM: And the mood in the Sky studio is nothing short of funereal. Surely, a figure of great importance has died during the advert break or a disaster has occurred somewhere…Worst than that, one of the Top Four are losing to a non-Top Four team. “Surely the stuff of sick twisted horridness that only happens in nightmares” Mr Keys assures us.
5.00 PM: The second half gets under way, and Steven Gerrard has set up a table in the middle of the pitch and appears to be meeting with a procession of interested clubs. The loyalist of loyals that Steve lad…honest as the day is long.
5.01 PM: Rafa’s called Lucas over to the touchline and appears to be scrawling ALONSO over his name on his shirt, maybe in a strange voodoo style ritual to make him play like the former Anfield man. Something that with all the will in the world will never happen.
5.15 PM: A sinister looking cloud has appeared over the ground; the Sky Gods are certainly not happy. In fact, it looks like a sort of Hellmouth, that you’d imagine would swallow the ground up if things don’t improve.
5.20 PM: Jermain Defoe blisters past Jamie Carragher so fast, that Carra’s hip seizes up, and Defoe is immediately cautioned for speeding. A common occurrence for the little England striker these days.
5.21 PM: A section of the Kop have started collectively crying, so Peter Crouch goes over and busts some moves for them. They all start shouting:”Come back Pete, we need you to get some goals la!!!!”
5.22 PM: Rafa receives a text from Fernando: “Hola gaffer, couldn’t take it anymore, am in Madrid, I will send for my stuff. Muchos gracias”
5.23 PM: Rafa sends on David N’Gog: Andy Gray and Martin Tyler play with the pronunciation of his name for 5 minutes: “Engo? Nagog? Nago? Ungog? Mmmmbop, do doo da daa daa Mmmmbop”
5.24 PM: Tom Huddlestone kicks Ryan Babel again in full view of the ref who wonders why he’s not doing anything about it. The ref explains that Ryan is wearing a “No one likes me or wants me here, Kick Me” sign on his back which Rafa stapled to him prior to kick off.
5.44 PM: A very bizarre decision by old ‘Arry. He replaces the excellent Wilson Palacios with the footballing equivalent of Marmite, Jermaine Jenas. He saunters on in his imitable style and whispers something in the ear of each of the Spurs team.
5.45 PM: GOAL!!!! Inexplicably whilst having control of the ball, Ledley King is approached by Steven Gerrard, and when he gets to King, he lies down and rolls over to have his belly tickled. Gerrard then takes the ball and slots past a Heurelho Gomes who is finishing some knitting behind his goal. Jenas must have told them to remember that they are playing a Top Four team, and not only that, but that they are away from home!!!! They then proceed to afford them too much respect, stop playing football and let the opposition ghost past them. Two seconds later, the horrific looking beast of a storm dissipates and the final whistle is blown. Martin Tyler screams: “F**king GET IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!!!!” Normality is restored.
5.46 PM: We see a room, full of shouting, jubilation, champagne bottles being popped and sprayed everywhere, surely we must be in the Liverpool dressing room, and they’re celebrating a vitally important saved point in their march to their inevitable Top Four finish….But NO!!! Richard Keys is there pumping his fists and mooning the travelling Spurs fans outside…This is the Sky studio. Phil Thompson arrives from the Sky Sports News studio…naked…apart from a Liverpool scarf tied round his head Rambo style and starts hugging Jamie Redknapp, who quite frankly looks ecstatic. “HA!!! Better luck next time. How dare you challenge the might of the Top Four cartel”
5.49 PM: Spurs fans console themselves on their way back to White Hart Lane and assure themselves that they’ll still make the Europa League…and quietly put their “Champions League here we come” flags away for another year at least.