How the “Big Six” Are Shaping Up for the Upcoming Title Fight…

Could be one hell of a roller coaster ride!

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HOUSTON - JULY 28: Javier Hernandez  of Manchester United celebrates scoring his first goal with the club during the MLS All Star Game at Reliant Stadium on July 28, 2010 in Houston, Texas. (Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images)

Manchester United finished their pre season with a truly impressive 7-1 drubbing of the Airtricity XI, sponsored by Ireland’s electricity company and reportedly made up of meter readers, except for the goalkeeper who won his place via a lucky ticket from a chocolate bar.

Although Ferguson is content with his squad, he is still trying to catch one more player and if rumours are to be believed is casting his net over the fish like features of Mesut Ozil. Ozil’s contract with Werder Bremen runs out at the end of the season, presumably he keeps forgetting to renew it.

Giggs and Scholes have spent close season at a secret laboratory in Switzerland reversing the ageing procedure. Apparently the previously interesting but useless Hadron Collider has been working overtime to re-age their particles and squeeze at least another season out of each.

Javier Hernandez has hit the ground running and has insisted commentators refer to him by his nickname of Chicarito, the ‘Little Pea’. A United supporter was asked for their views on the Mexican “Some of us were worried when we shelled out on Hernandez. They thought Ferguson’s mind had gone a bit mushy. They thought our attack would be a bit frozen. The supporters were split. We now feel Ferguson may have cracked it.’

Over at the Bridge, the current Champions have been busy making changes to their midfield. Out with England’s One True Creative Force™ and in with the Israeli Messi™. Apparently Benayoun is more intelligent than Joe Cole which some may say is like claiming butter is more fire resistant than petrol, especially after seeing the facial hair growth currently offending the Israeli’s face.

If I were a Chelsea supporter then I may be getting slightly suspicious. The ‘moustache’ looks remarkably similar to those sported by members of the French Resistance. Add this to the fact that for his Chelsea initiation song he belted out ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’ and you may have grounds for believing you have a double agent in the camp.

Keep an eye out for him misplacing passes and blasting shots high and wide. Damn, he’s made a career out of that so you’ll have to look for less obvious signs.

Arsenal have been preparing for the new season by bagging their yearly trophy. Arsene Wenger was heard to say ‘We’ve now won this tournament 3 out of the past 4 years and it does fill that space that seems to be lacking in the trophy cabinet.’ Fabregas was heard to say ‘Qué?’ whilst being dragged back into to his straight jacket, then down a seemingly endless staircase leading to a long dark tunnel with a dungeon at the end guarded by Martin Keown in a Real Madrid shirt.

Across North London Harry Redknapp has already proclaimed that Tottenham have no chance of getting in the top four unless he is allowed to sign a minimum of 27 players. His nervous twitch grows in frequency as each day without a new signing passes.

At the same time, master of inflated transfer fees, Daniel Levy has quoted Aston Villa £45m for Robbie Keane, Arsenal £18m plus Van Persie for Carlo Cudicini and is looking to broker a swap deal with Barcelona which will see Dos Santos going to the Camp Nou and Iniesta upping sticks to White Hart Lane.

Manchester City have offered to match all offers Levy receives, increase them by 10% and put a cherry on top.

Liverpool are bracing themselves for a Chinese takeover. The manager has been promised funds for new players and Hodgson has ordered number 24, 31, and either 22 or 23 depending on which will be quickest plus a side order of shredded steak to replace the beef Torres had with the club for a year.

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