The 10 traits all true Liverpool fans share…
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10) You know that there will never be a bigger achievement in football history than winning a Champions League final with Djimi Traore in the starting lineup…
Granted: the 3-0 comeback against AC Milan, one of the best teams of the generation, was pretty impressive… But the fact that it all occurred with Djimi Traore, unarguably the most technically deficient left-back of all time, makes it all the more special.
9) You violently scoff at any Gerrard/Lampard debate…
While you occasionally acknowledge a Gerrard/Scholes debate (not that it should ever last for very long) will take place – you flatly refuse to become involved in an argument over whether Chelsea’s round midfielder is better than the greatest player to ever play for Liverpool. It’s blasphemous. It’s obscene. It’s bizarre. While Lampard is good at scoring deflected 20-yarders and eating, Gerrard can do absolutly everything on a football field. End of discussion.
8) You firmly believe that Rafa Benitez was not dodgy in the transfer market…
Fernando Torres, Javier Mascherano, Xabi Alonso, Luis Garcia, Alvaro Arbeloa, Pepe Reina, Daniel Agger. ‘Nuff said. (Josemi and Jan Kromkamp were only meant to be squad players anyway…)
7) You’re adamant that long periods of aimless possession accounts to a moral footballing victory…
So you came to Anfield and won 2-0? You scored two quick goals on the break? Who cares… Liverpool had 61% of the possession, twice as many corners, and hit the woodwork three times…
Take the three points for all we care!
6) You will tell anyone that will listen: ‘It doesn’t matter if the ball didn’t go over the line – it would have been a penalty and a red-card anyway!!!!’
When Liverpool beat Chelsea 1-0 in the Champions League semi-final, Mourinho claimed the Reds’ goal never went over the line. EVEN if this was the case, the referee said afterwards that had the goal not been given by his linesmen, he would have sent off Petr Cech and award Liverpool a penalty anyway.
But everyone ignores that ever so crucial, vital, important piece of information. Sigh…
5) You think Jamie Carragher’s lack of England caps should be regarded as a national tragedy…
In 2005, Carragher was one of the best centre-halves in Europe, and yet countless managers picked permanent sick-notes like Ledley King and Jonathan Woodgate ahead of him. Strange. Carragher had just won the Champions League for goodness sake. Woodgate was on loan at Middelsbrough!
4) You will literally never, ever, ever understand Roy Hogson’s first summer in charge…
Ok. Prepare yourselves… Roy Hodgson decides to loan out Alberto Aquilani who cost Liverpool £18m the previous summer. Here’s the good part: The player was FINALLY fit after spending an entire year on the sidelines, but Hodgson LENT the player to Juventus, before BUYING Juventus’ hopelessly ageing midfielder Christian Poulsen for £5m as a replacement.
This actually happened.
(Hodgson also spent £4m on Paul Konchesky, and £3m on shockingly poor reserve keeper Brad Jones.)
He was sacked before January.
3) You know that there’s nothing a good striker can do worse than leaving Liverpool…
At Liverpool, Michael Owen won a Ballon D’or, and Fernando Torres was regarded as the best striker in world football…
After leaving, Owen sat on a bench or an injury bed for the next eight years, while Torres became the butt of virtually every football joke ever told.
Combined, Owen and Torres scored 239 goals in 12 different seasons for Liverpool.
Since leaving, they’ve managed 100 goals in 13 seasons.
You’ve been warned, Luis Suarez…
2) There isn’t a day that goes by when you don’t add up what you could by with the Carroll, Downing and Henderson money….
Combined, the three most average English footballers of their generation cost Liverpool £76m.
Around this time, this could get you, 2 Sergio Agueros, 3 Juan Matas or 35 Michus…
35 Michus would probably get most clubs in the top four, if you could keep them all happy.
1) You will pathetically, blindly, immorally, implausibly defend the indefensible actions of Luis Suarez…
Yes, we know he bit that player at Ajax. Yes, we know he handballed on the line against Ghana in the World Cup and the celebrated hysterically when they missed the penalty. Yes, we know he racially abused Patrice Evra. Yes, we know he dives the whole time, and even owned up to it. Yes, we know he bit Branislav Ivanovic.
Yes, we know he is a thoroughly unpleasant chap….
But did you just see that nutmeg…?
