Guest writer @Timotei365 predicts 20 things that will happen to Premier League clubs this season and 20 things that will not…
BURNLEY
WILL HAPPEN: A new electric voice box to be installed for Sean Dyche now that the old one has past its three year warranty.
WON’T HAPPEN: A new statute to be written, giving Burnley the right to receive penalties as well as concede them
EVERTON
WON’T HAPPEN: Marco Silva to hold team bonding sessions at Nando’s a la Sam Allardyce. With a pint of wine.
WILL HAPPEN: Jordan Pickford to pick his fights on and off the pitch a little more carefully.
WATFORD
WILL HAPPEN: Javier Gracia’s team fall from grace after a secure mid-table finish and a runners-up FA Cup medal is followed by a paltry 12th place and no Elton John style Wembley day out. After all, its the club that’s important not the advisor who picks and improves the team.
WON’T HAPPEN: Troy Deeney compliments Arsenal on their strength of character.
MANCHESTER UNITED
WON’T HAPPEN: Ole Gunnar Solskjaer instigates military style barracks at Old Trafford and gets everyone to shave their heads to ensure togetherness. Apart from Paul Pogba who can keep the fringe.
WILL HAPPEN: Ole mentions 1999. Once.
MANCHESTER CITY
WON’T HAPPEN: A promise to give other teams a chance by ceding possession for 10 minutes so that the opposition can retrieve some of the three goal deficit.
WILL: The creation of an invincible empire, culminating in a first Champions League final won as Pep finally decides not to sabotage the team line-up. Kyle Walker’s hair to grow back.
LIVERPOOL
WON’T HAPPEN: Jurgen Klopp to tone down his shiny happy people persona after finally winning a trophy.
WILL HAPPEN: Mo Salah’s shoot on sight policy to become even more pronounced. Might as well have horse blinkers on when Mane and Firmino are in better positions…..
ARSENAL
WON’T HAPPEN: Mesut Ozil to commit to ten more years of purgatory so that he can walk off the pitch even slower when losing in a major final.
WILL HAPPEN: Nicolas Pepe scores one goal for every two conceded at the other end.
SOUTHAMPTON
WON’T HAPPEN: Pep Guardiola charges after Nathan Redmond and starts shouting at him for having the same haircut.
WILL HAPPEN: Ralph Hassenhutl forms a Teutonic Alliance with Norwich and Liverpool
WOLVES
WILL HAPPEN: Nuno Espirito Santo learns how to smile again after being crushed by his semi-final defeat to Watford
WON’T HAPPEN: Goal celebrations involving WWE masks.
BOURNEMOUTH
WON’T HAPPEN: Jurgen Klopp and Eddie Howe set up movie and popcorn nights to swoon over Harry Wilson.
WILL HAPPEN: Eddie Howe asks Liverpool for the money back on Jordan Ibe.
LEICESTER CITY
WILL HAPPEN: To continue to turn up against the big boys as former Premier League champions but turn their nose up at lower sides who “couldn’t do what we did”.
WON’T HAPPEN: Brendan Rodgers to enter into a non official whitening teeth competition against Jurgen Klopp.
CHELSEA
WILL HAPPEN: Frank Lampard to be given the freedom of Stamford Bridge and Fulham Broadway.
WON’T HAPPEN: Frank to take Ole on in the final of The Apprentice on Sunday.
WEST HAM
WILL HAPPEN: To lose Premier League status by recalling the spirit of Sunderland under David Moyes.
WON’T HAPPEN: Mauricio Pellegrini gets a haircut.
CRYSTAL PALACE
WON’T HAPPEN: Wilfried Zaha becomes the complete package rather than a non returnable, non refundable item.
WILL HAPPEN: Christian Benteke will rediscover the general direction of the net.
BRIGHTON
WILL HAPPEN: Glenn Murray wins prize for “(ugly) goal of the month”
WON’T HAPPEN: Brighton remain in the comfort zone. Graham Potter is the man who asked his Swansea charges before their thrilling performance against Manchester City in the FA Cup “How do you want to die?”
SHEFFIELD UNITED
WILL HAPPEN: Chris Wilder keeps it real with laddish singalongs in the dressing room and beer nights with the fans.
WON’T HAPPEN: Booting the ball upfield a la Warnock and winding everybody up.
NEWCASTLE
WON’T HAPPEN: January funds are provided to Steve Bruce after Mike Ashley wins a bet down the pub.
WON’T: Jonjo Shelvey admits that he has converted to Buddhism in a bit to control his anger on the pitch.
TOTTENHAM
WON’T HAPPEN: Harry Kane says “C’mon, Let’s Go” on social media when Lucas Moura scores a hat-trick in his absence.
WILL HAPPEN: Mauricio Pochettino is forcibly restrained from watching Toy Story 4 to prevent his Buzz Lightyear obsession leading to a fatal jump from the new main stand.
NORWICH CITY
WILL HAPPEN: The Daniel Farke effect to make Norwich the Yellow Wall of East Anglia. Heavy metal football? Maybe hard rock will do it.
WON’T HAPPEN: On the opening day of the season, Farke and Klopp will be treated to German sausages and schnitzel by Delia Smith after the game.
ASTON VILLA
WILL HAPPEN: Beating their previous Premier League haul by a Midlands mile. Well, it was only 17 points…
WON’T HAPPEN: The new mature Jack Grealish to be found flat on his back in a drunken haze after a Spanish bender. Not sure about that Phil Neville fringe though…