Offside News: Shevchenko lashes out, Newcastle’s shame, Gilberto’s sob story

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Welcome to the very first Offside News, where insightful thinking is firmly put aside in the name of taking the piss out of everyone. It’ll be coming every Friday, taking a look at the week’s biggest Premiership stories and quotes, and Monday, waxing nostalgic about the weekend’s action and post-match whinging.

If you have a story, quote or joke for Offside News just send it along to editor [at] and see your name in lights (or italic text).

That said, things won’t get anywhere near the shameful events in this weeks Big Brother. If you think anything the Offside News does is ill-advised, just take a look at Jade Goody’s career shattering decision to go back into the house. Doesn’t look like such a ‘Goody’ idea now, does it?

Oh no, they’ve begun…

Only a handful of home fans were there to witness Birmingham’s fifth, scored by part time disc jockey, ‘DJ’ Campbell, as the Geordie supporters were shown what would have been happening most weekends for last ten years had Shay Given not signed for them.

“That was the same starting line-up that went to White Hart Lane and won 3-2. I couldn’t be more shocked”, howay-ed manager Glen Roeder afterwards, clearly unaware that, just because your team fluked a win the previous week, didn’t mean it was going to happen every week.

“I had no idea a performance like that was going to come. I have to really apologise to our fantastic fans for having to sit through that”, added the Toon boss, cleverly disguising the fact that if the clubs fans were in fact ‘fantastic’, more than 26,099 would have turned up in the first place.

Meanwhile, Blues boss and self proclaimed Geordie fan Steve Bruce had nothing but praise for his side.

“The result’s shocked a few people, but it was no fluke – that’s for sure,” proclaimed Bruce, though he was barely heard over the sound of 26,000 Newcastle fans simultaneously rubbing there eyes in disbelief. “The lads have come up here and put on a really terrific performance. I never thought I’d bring a team to Newcastle and win 5-1. Coming back is always a bit special”, he added, before hurrying away to write a letter to Newcastle Chairman Freddy Sheppard entitled, “Can we play you every week?”

“A lot of things have been said which aren’t true. They have caused a lot of hurt to myself and my family. I am being made a scapegoat for things that have nothing to do with me”, sobbed the Ukrainian international, whose return of just three league goals from fifteen starts suggests that Chelsea current plight has everything to do with him.

“I am continuing to work to fit inside the team. I have been attacked from all sides but I intend to carry on. My contract runs for four years. I am here now and I am staying here”

Of his relationship with Russian owner Roma Abramovich, Shevchenko added, “My relationship with him is the same as every other player. He’s the president and I am a player – it is entirely professional. People are crossing the limits in what they are saying about me. It is bull***t”, he said, proving that while it may take foreigners years to learn how master the game in England, it doesn’t take them long to master the expletives.

“Sunday will be very important for us”, Gilberto told SkySports. “If we win, who knows what might happen. Maybe they could slip up, like we did in the 2002/03 season”, he added, before being distracted by a flying pig.

“We were 12 points ahead and then we dropped point after point and they caught up with us and won the league”, murmured a regretful Silva, while delicately strumming a violin and gazing longingly into nothingness.

“But first of all we have to make sure we win our games, because unless we do that nothing can happen”
, he concluded, before whipping a tear from his eye and insisting to the gathered press that he was ok.

Despite his pre-match optimism, Gilberto’s red card last week against Blackburn means the prolific goal scoring midfielder, who has already scored seven league goals this season, will miss the game.

“What really frustrated me was I was kicked by Savage when I was on the floor after the referee had blown his whistle and stopped the game”, he said of his dismissal at Ewood Park. “It’s strange, I get sent off after being kicked while I was on the floor when the game has stopped, yet the person who kicked me only gets a yellow card”.

Gilberto, son, you kicked him. We all saw it. How stupid do you think we are?

Offside News will be coming each Friday and Monday, via new CaughtOffside writer Toby Higgins.