There are a few key ways to tell if your players are straying too far from the righteous path:
1) There are mounds and mounds of cocaine all over the dressing room.
2) Every training session ends with someone discovering a dead hooker behind the goal.
3) Kieron Dyer (above, punching a teammate) is lecturing them.
Given West Ham’s season thus far, all of the above probably wouldn’t surprise anyone, but only #3 has been reported,
Dyer told the Mirror: “You have got money and you can buy anything you want and it seems that you are more worried about maintaining your status off the pitch than doing it for 90 minutes on the pitch. I believed the hype. I was rewarded with good wages and you do take your eye off the ball. You do get wrapped up in it. For two years I went stale. I wasted it. I had a couple of good games here and there but never had the consistency.
“Alan Curbishley came out with the Baby Bentley quote a couple of months ago and I do think what happened to me is happening to some of the West Ham players.
“When you’re young, sometimes you have to learn the hard way. I have had to come full circle to get to where I am now.
“I was out of the game for 18 months with injuries and I want to make up for lost time. I want to be up there with the Stevie Gs and the Frank Lampards who do it week in and week out.”
We’ll admit we were pleased to see Dyer return for Newcastle, he’s one of those players who – on his day – can be just as frightening to face as Cristiano Ronaldo is for Manchester United these days. Hopefully he really has turned it around, and we’ll never have to see Andy Johnson playing on the right wing for England ever again.