Latest Transfer Rumours: Tottenham, West Ham, Newcastle, Manchester City, Liverpool, Manchester United, Arsenal, Everton, Chelsea, Reading, Portsmouth, Sunderland, Wigan, Fulham and Middlesbrough

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The world of Premiership transfer gossip is full of nonsense, but some nonsense is more interesting that the other nonsense. Speculation is rife in the likes of the Mirror, Daily Mail, Times, Sun and… err… Tribal Football all do their best to predict and/or completely make up the future.

Here’s our opinion on the Premiership transfer rumours we’ve read in the papers and around the net… and if you have any thoughts, pop em in the comments.

After losing his attempt to force United to allow him to move to Liverpool, Heinze said: “I am not anti-United but I have to consider that my stay at United is finished.” (Daily Mirror)

United boss Sir Alex Ferguson will tell Heinze he can languish in the reserves if the Argentine refuses to move abroad. (Daily Express)

CaughtOffside Says: Like we said, Sir Alex is punishing Heinze by making him choose between West Ham or the reserves? Bit harsh.

Everton have completed the 11 million signing of Yakubu from Middlesbrough, fending off West Ham and Portsmouth. (Various)

CaughtOffside Says: Can’t imagine a better striker set to epitomize Moyes’ style of play. Utterly direct, heads-down and goal focused. May not delight fans with amazing teamplay between the duo but should be plenty of goals. If Anichebe can be groomed into a proper target/link man, they’ll be laughing.

Portsmouth boss Harry Redknapp has denied that he has offered two of his players – Gary O’Neil and Matthew Taylor – as makeweights in swap deals. (Various)

CaughtOffside Says: We can believe that about Matty, but we’re guessing O’Neill was driven to Fratton Park by Redknapp himself in order to try and get Yakubu in.

Liverpool midfielder Yossi Benayoun “will think about moving to a medium-sized team” if his chances at Anfield remain restricted, says his agent Ronen Katzav. (The Guardian)

CaughtOffside Says: Well, this has to be a first. Moving to a ‘big club’ and fulfilling a dream, finding out that you might be too crap, so buggering off back to a ‘medium club’. Bloody footballers.

Chelsea hope to seal a deal for Sevilla defender Daniel Alves, even though they face competition from Real Madrid, because the Blues have upped their original offer of £21.5m by £3m. (The Times)

CaughtOffside Says: Yeah, because cash is a problem for Chelsea. It’s probably all smoke and mirrors.

Reading contract rebels Nicky Shorey, who has been linked to West Ham, and Leroy Lita, who is wanted by Portsmouth, will not be leaving before the transfer deadline. (The Sun)

CaughtOffside Says: Good, we’re sick of seeing players bugger off at the first sign of a decent season. Stay at Reading, prove you can be un-shite for longer than a year and maybe earn the right to demand a move for once.

Manchester City boss Sven-Goran Eriksson wants to take Anelka back to Manchester City. (Daily Express)

CaughtOffside Says: Smart man, Anelka is utterly wasted at Bolton (not to Bolton fans, but everyone else) and he’s a proven Premier League striker who will always get you goals. With Bojinov out for months, Sven would do well to get in someone who he knows will produce the goods.

Newcastle boss Sam Allardyce will allow striker Obafemi Martins to join Manchester United or Arsenal – if they table a £13m bid. (Daily Express)

CaughtOffside Says: Martins does not seem like a United player unless Alex plans to mold his raw striking talent the way he did with Andy Cole. But with so much money spent already we can’t see United making another move like this in haste, although Giuseppe Rossi probably looks quite useful about now. Oh, and the idea of Arsenal spending 13 million on Martins is just turd.

Liverpool midfielder Anthony Le Tallec is being targeted by Sochaux. (Various)

CaughtOffside Says: He still plays for Liverpool? How about that Pongolle bloke? No? Ok whatever.

Tottenham are chasing Juan Roman Riquelme, with Villarreal wanting £10m for the playmaker. (Daily Mirror)

CaughtOffside Says: Well, if Spurs hadn’t managed to polarise their fans enough then signing Juan “He’d Never Succeed In England” Riquelme will certainly push them over the edge. A supreme playmaker when he feels like and has the perfect team built around him, an utter waste of space otherwise.

Newcastle striker Albert Luque is being targeted by Feyenoord. (The Sun)

CaughtOffside Says: HE still plays at Newcastle?? Well, at least he’s been targeted by someone.

Sunderland are targeting Stoke defender Danny Higginbotham. (Various)

CaughtOffside Says: ROFLMAOLOLZ higgin”bottom” lolzlolz

Manchester City are set to revive their bid for Palermo midfielder Mark Bresciano and are also weighing up Livorno keeper Marco Amelia. (Daily Mirror)

CaughtOffside Says: And Sven started so well, too.

Sheffield United are poised to make an improved £2m bid for Wigan winger Kevin Kilbane. (Daily Mirror)

CaughtOffside Says: That’s the kind of move that gets you relegated “unfairly”.

Midfielder Seol Ki-Hyeon is staying at Reading, despite buying a house near Fulham’s training ground. (Various)

CaughtOffside Says: Good to see that choosing a nice area to live still qualifies as fodder for transfer rumours.