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How Much Money Do We Need To Offer Chelsea’s Israeli Defender To Play Well?

DEAR MISTA TAL BEN-HAIM,
ULLO DUR!
U R OUR ONLY HOPE! WOODJA PLEASE TRY YOUR VERY BESTEST AND HELP US SO WE DON’T ‘AVE 2 STAY AT HOME NEXT SUMMA AND PLAY GROTTY SKOTLAND AND WAYLES. I’D BE MADE UP.
TA WACK!
WAYNE R

See what some decent GCSE schooling can do for our finest footballers? The Sun is reporting that Tal Ben-Haim, Israel’s only remaining fit player that could possible be described as ‘good’, has vowed to bash the Russians this weekend, and in doing so save Chelsea owner Abramovich the small matter of £2million in victory payments promised to the Russkis.
Ben-Haim said:

“Hopefully we will get a result and I will save Mr Abramovich some money!”

Nice. So it is nothing to do with saving the Brave English Lions, and everything to do with saving Ambramovich some dosh. Or maybe not, a sleazy weekend in Ibiza is up for grabs too;
Ben-Haim continued:

“The last few weeks in training have been full of talk about the Russia game. The England lads have been piling on the pressure about Israel getting the result that will help them out. Joe has said I can choose a holiday if we can beat Russia. I’m not sure if he is kidding me on — but it would be nice to find out.”

Nice one Ben-Haim, so the tally is now 2 million quid and a free holiday, anyone want to throw in a washing machine? And more importantly, even if Tal Ben-Haim plays well, will it make any difference?