TRANSFER RUMOURS: Aston Villa, Tottenham, Arsenal, Manchester United, Manchester City, Liverpool, Middlesbrough, Derby, Everton, Fulham and Bolton

Lets all take a hearty swig from these potent rumours and forget all about bumbling balding orangutan Steve McClaren.

Villa boss Martin O’Neill has sidestepped any links with the England job and is instead after a host of additions to his club team. O’Neill is looking to grab Peter Crouch and John Arne Riise from Liverpool, Defoe from Tottenham, and Tottenham striker Jermain Defoe and FC Porto’s right-back Jose Boswinga. (Daily Mail)

Arsenal, Spurs, and Manchester United are all scrambling for their chequebooks with the news that Jussi Jaaskelainen hasn’t put pen to paper on a new Bolton contract, the current one will expire in the summer (Daily Mail)

…Whilst Everton and Fulham target Justin Hoyte has said that he wants to stay at Arsenal and fight for his right-back berth. (Daily Mail)

Tottenham are at the front of the queue to sign Julio ‘The Beast’ Bapitista from Real Madrid but they may have to wipe the smirks from their faces at the delicious idea of nabbing a former Gooner as they can feel Sven’s hot breath down their necks. Yep, that’s right – Man City fancy a bit of ‘The Beast’ too. (The Sun)

…Sven and his noxious halitosis are also after Russian midfielder Marat Izmailov, but Italians Inter Milan are also sniffing around with intent. (Daily Star)

… And Ghana striker Asamoah Gyan has linked himself with a summer switch to Manchester City, claiming that negotiations with his current employers Udinese are at an advanced stage.(Asamoah Gyan)

… Not all the dosh seeping out of Thaksin Shinawatra’s porous pockets is going on fancy signings either; apparently Sven will be getting a £4m pay rise into the bargain. (The Sun)

Whilst Ledley King won’t be back until after Christmas, Spurs target Guti has claimed that he quite fancies a move to London. (Daily Mail)

This boring rumour remains lodged in the sole of our shoes like a belliegerent turd, Middlesbrough are after Blades striker James Beattie when the January transfer window springs open. (The Sun)

Cardiff want to nab facially challenged Derby striker Robert Earnshaw and bring him back to his spiritual home on loan. (Daily Mirror)

Just as enebriated orangutan McClaren is sacked Emile Heskey returns to fitness! The Hesk-meister should be back to face Arsenal at the weekend. (The Sun)

…Aston Villa boss Martin O’Neill doesn’t want the poisoned chalice that is the England post. (The Times), Fabio Capello seems attracted to the role (Various)…But we’ll probably be left with Shearer. (Various)

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