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TRANSFER RUMOURS PART 1: Arsenal, Tottenham, Chelsea, Everton, Wigan, Derby County and Reading.

We are the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles (yes, we said “Hero” dammit!) of Transfer Rumours, living in the sewers below the gutter press lapping up the filthy rumour-ooze that trickles down to us. Here is part one of today’s double batch.

…Arsenal and Tottenham are set for an acrimonious tug-of-war session with both of them trying to bag Bayern Munich’s star Italian striker Luca Toni. (Daily Mail)

Ballack is back! The Teutonic King is targeting the 16th December Chelsea Arsenal game for a stunningly glorious return. (The Sun)

…Whilst forgotten Stamford Bridge man Paulo Ferreira could be swapped for Valencia’s Miguel. (Daily Mirror)

UEFA Madness Part 1: AZ Alkmaar, Everton’s rivals in their Uefa Cup Group, are comiserating with boss Louis van Gaal, whilst showing off his gymnastic flexibility on the pole vault, he managed to break both his ankle and fibula…Nice. (Express)

Wigan are desperate to formalise Ecuador midfielder Luis Antonio Valencia’s move from Villarreal in order to stop Racing Santander sniffing around. (Daily Mail)

Paul Jewell is now tipped to be the new Derby County boss, with all this Paul Ince stuff being bandied about a load of steaming tripe. (Various)

Reading’s Steve Coppell is ready to gobble up Cameroon’s George Elokobi and wants to keep hold of Nicky Shorey. (Sun)