Normally we wouldn’t give two hoots about what professional footballers do with their genitalia in their free time; and we are very proud of the fact that this will be the first time we have mentioned Ashley Young’s sleazy webcam hotel monkey spanking session.
However, when someone’s nether regions mix both business and pleasure – Joey Barton’s nut attack on Dickson Etuhu, Mickey Owen’s troublesome crotch injuries, and the possibility that Sir Ferg could be out of action after having his gonads eviscerated by an assailant – then it is free game.
So when we heard the accusations that Chelsea’s Claudio Pizzarro has been engaging in Peruvian orgies before vital international matches, our ears swivelled round like a pack of German Shepherds with hearing aids on.
According to The Sun:
“Captain Pizarro was named, along with some of his international team-mates, in a TV programme which claimed players took women into their hotel rooms and drank long into the night. It is claimed the incident happened just days before Peru were trounced 5-1 by Ecuador in a crucial World Cup qualifier on November 21.”
And Juvenal Silva, the president of the Commission for Selection of the Peruvian Federation said:
“For those who are involved, this will be the last time they will wear the national shirt if the allegations are proved.”
The moral of this tale? If you do insist on sticking your jumbo sausage in a variety of orifices, don’t get caught.