If Manchester United could bottle that performance, they could make a fortune by selling it as a natural treatment for chronic insomnia.
Louis van Gaal was booed off as he walked down the tunnel after watching his side bore the hell out of their supporters during a lucky 1-0 win over Sheffield United in the FA Cup on Saturday.
Old Trafford’s flatness and the shear lack of intensity in the game perhaps contributed to Dean Hammond’s stoppage-time headloss, which saw him recklessly foul substitute Memphis Depay in the penalty area.
Wayne Rooney then did what he does best, converting from the spot to avoid a replay and book the Red Devils’ place in round four.
Rooney’s winner was not enough to save him from an awful score in our Man United player ratings v Sheffield United, which you can read below.
GK: David de Gea – 6/10
Had one save to make and it was easy. His evening was even more boring than that sentence.
RB: Matteo Darmian – 6/10
The Italy international was the only Man United player to register a shot on target, other than Rooney’s pen.
CB: Chris Smalling – 5/10
Spent most of the night sat in a deckchair on the half-way line. He did wander up front for a free-kick late on, only to nail a air-shot. Nice work, Mike.
CB: Daley Blind – 5/10
Like Smalling, Blind’s outing mainly consisted off him lingering around near the centre circle, pinging around pointless passes.
LB: Cameron Borthwick-Jackson – 5/10
Did OK at the back, although he had very little to do. But he is not exciting enough offensively to be a Man United full-back. The video below, in which he is caught offside during an unthreatening attack, highlights just how uncomfortable the teenager is in the final third of the pitch.
CM: Bastian Schweinsteiger – 4/10
As the deepest of Man U’s midfielders, this game was a total stroll for the German, who was barely closed down all day as the Sheffield United defenders sat back. Schweinsteiger made very little use of the ample space he was afforded. His passing was uninspiring, but so was the movement ahead of him.
CM: Marouane Fellaini – 4/10
Bumbled through the first half alongside Schweinsteiger, before spending much of the second period closer to Rooney. He was equally insignificant in both positions and was hooked in the 78th minute to make way for Andreas Pereira (6/10).
RAM: Juan Mata – 5/10
After a forgettable 60 minutes, Mata was replaced by Memphis Depay (7/10). The Dutch sub drew one of the biggest cheers of the night from home fans (although they were being sarcastic) when he had this hopeful shot at goal shortly after coming on.
Depay then won United’s penalty. The only moment of excitement on a dismal day in Salford.
CAM: Ander Herrera – 5/10
Only lasted an hour before being replaced by Jesse Lingard (5/10). Neither did anything of note.
LAM: Anthony Martial – 4/10
Looked thoroughly cheesed off on the left flank. Not that we saw much of him.
ST: Wayne Rooney – 4/10
Labelled as a “sh*t Billy Sharp” by cheeky Blades fans. On this evidence alone, they were being kind. Rooney took his penalty well, but that’s all he did. Is six figures a week for a good penalty taker a fair rate?